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Monthly Archives: February 2008

How I Envy Oregon Voters

… who have an opportunity for vote for Steve Novick. Check out his party trick!

And he’s short, too!

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Hey Ma! Look! My Pubes!

pubic_big-763083.jpgHere’s some advice to our readers out there in QuizLaw land, and listen good: Don’t ever fuck with a restaurant cook. You’d think this would be obvious; you’d think it was just common sense. If your food sucks, eat it anyway. Or don’t. But don’t send it back. For the love of God, don’t ever send it back. You never know what you’ll get in return, but more times than not, there will be something in your food — saliva, semen, trace amounts of excrement —- that you shouldn’t be putting in your mouth.

Of course, most of the time, cooks/waitresses are smart enough not to make it obvious. Not so with a Wisconsin man, Ryan Kropp, a Texas Roadhouse cook who became displeased with a customer when the customer insisted on sending his steak back. Kropp refused to comp him, but he was nice enough to make him a new steak to send home. With his public hairs inside.

The customer took the steak to the po-po, and now poor Kropp — who was just doing what human nature requires — is facing three-and-a-half years prison. Apparently, placing foreign objects in edibles is a felony. But don’t think that’s going to dissuade your cook.

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Hypocrisy …

… thy name is douchebag (R-GA).

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The Daily Memo - 2/29/08

check.jpg“In a landmark judgement with far-reaching social implications, Italy’s highest appeals court has ruled it is a criminal offence for Italian men to touch their genitals in public.” (guardian.co.uk)

check.jpgAh Philly, I miss you more and more every day — this time, it’s because twin brothers who do online hardcore gay porn have been arrested for a rooftop burglary, and suspected of having done dozens more. (FindLaw)

check.jpgAnd again in Philly, a woman got a $12 million verdict because two of her doctors failed to diagnose her terminal breast cancer until it was past the stage of being curable. (Law.com)

check.jpgSuing those who schtupp your significant others? Discuss amongst yourselves. (LawInfo)

check.jpgThe Bluebook is online! The Bluebook is online! Great news, or the greatest news? (WT&E Prof Blog)

check.jpgWhy do BigLaw associates run for the hills after three to four years? Because that’s how long it generally takes to learn that even gads of money aren’t worth indentured servitude. (Law.com

I don’t like to laugh at the pain of others…

fake-leg.jpg…but what the hell else am I supposed to do when MSNBC gives me a headline like this:

Ex-Homecoming Queen Beats Sister with Fake Leg in Trailer

It gets even better when you read the article. Our queen also threatened to burn down a neighbor’s home during the incident. And she’s got quite a few prior arrests under her belt, including two DUI convictions. But here’s the clincher — during one of her DUI arrests, she was so shit-faced that she took the term literally and, while in the back of the cop car, she apparently smeared poo all over the car.

I wonder if Norwin High School has tried to get their crown back yet.

Florida - it’s like Italy, only with worse food and more old people

florida-italy.jpgI mean, seriously, check this shit out:

A Florida lawyer has been charged with assault after shaking hands with a federal prosecutor. … Kathy Brewer Rentas is accused of shaking hands too vigorously.

Italy - it’s like Florida, only with better food and less old people

italy-florida.jpgI mean, seriously, check this shit out:

A 34-year-old Italian man who had sex with a 13-year-old girl has had his sentence cut by a two-thirds because a court decided there was “real love” between the pair.

Yup — the court bought the argument of his lawyers, the there was “deep tenderness” between the perv and the little girl, an so Antonio de Pascale only got a sentence of a little over a year. For having sex with a 13-year-old!

Better/worse yet — because Italy has a general amnesty for sentences of less than three years, he may not even serve a single day.

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It’s a Good Thing Rodney King wasn’t Black AND Quadriplegic

rodneyking.jpgA few weeks ago, we showed you video of the Hillsborough, Florida police harshly dumping a quadriplegic out of his wheelchair, thinking — I suppose — that he was faking it. There was an investigation and, ultimately, I believe the police department apologized.

I don’t think they meant it.


Because cops at the very same prison did the same fucking thing to another wheelchair inmate. After discovering that a quad serving a 10-year-prison sentence had a crack pipe, the fuzz took the man to a holding cell and dumped him out of his wheelchair, leaving him there for over an hour (this guy, who tried to stab an officer with the glass crack pipe, may have arguably deserved it a little).

My favorite part: The incident report, which stated that deputies then “relocated Rayburn from his wheelchair to the holding cell floor.” Relocated? Ha! You can see the video here.

This is also the third case of alleged abuse at the jail in the last two weeks. In between the wheelchair dumping incidents, the cops also broke a woman’s arm. Here’s the video of that:

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The True Cost of War

iran-iraq_war.jpgI found a fascinating article in the UK Guardian written by a Noble-prize winning economist about the cost of the Iraq war for America, and it’s kind of mind boggling. He estimates that, all told, the war will cost America $3 trillion, and about the same for the rest of the world. Here’s a taste of some of the more eye-popping figures:

$16bn The amount the US spends on the monthly running costs of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan - on top of regular defence spending
$138 The amount paid by every US household every month towards the current operating costs of the war.
$19.3bn The amount Halliburton has received in single-source contracts for work in Iraq.
$25bn The annual cost to the US of the rising price of oil, itself a consequence of the war.
$5bn Cost of 10 days’ fighting in Iraq.
$1 trillion The interest America will have paid by 2017 on the money borrowed to finance the war.
3% The average drop in income of 13 African countries - a direct result of the rise in oil prices. This drop has more than offset the recent increase in foreign aid to Africa.

The article then adds this, by way of context:

Stiglitz and Bilmes list what even one of these trillions could have paid for: 8 million housing units, or 15 million public school teachers, or healthcare for 530 million children for a year, or scholarships to university for 43 million students. Three trillion could have fixed America’s social security problem for half a century.

Can you believe that? We could’ve funded 15 million school teachers for the cost of a meaningless war. But the number that pops out at me the most is that each family in America is spending $138 per month on the war effort — I’m not a mathematician, but that is, like, about one percent of the average income earner’s salary, right? And thanks to the Iraq war, that $138 would only be enough to fill your car tank full of gas twice a month.

Moreover, while the average soldier makes $40,000 a year, the average contracted security guard makes $400,000 a year in Iraq — and because of high health insurance premiums, the government is picking up the tab on the contractor’s health insurance, too.

George Bush has fucked us even more than I imagined. Anyway, do check out the article. It’s eye opening, to say the least.

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Another Reason to Stock Up on Duct Tape


We here at QuizLaw are always on the lookout for all the great uses of duct tape. You can use it for babysitting! You can use it for kidnapping! You can use it to conceal your face before committing a robbery!

And today, we learned yet another valuable use for duct tape: Suicide. Simply remove a couple of strips, tape them over your mouth and nostrils, and within minutes, you’ll suffocate to death!

You’re welcome!

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The Daily Memo - 2/28/08

check.jpg“Why the cops who shot Sean Bell aren’t getting judged by their peers.” (Slate)

check.jpgOk, look, I know The Signal is a scary movie and all, but that’s no reason to go and stab some folks. (LAist)

check.jpgMan, I’ll tell ya - that OJ Simpson, he just never gets a break from the judicial system. (FindLaw)

check.jpgVerbal contracts, schmerbal contracts. (May It Please the Court)

check.jpgDeal … or no deal? “Uhm, is class-action lawsuit an option?” (Nota Bene)

check.jpgJudges citing “South Park?” Yeah, that’s mmmmmmkay with me. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgIf anyone needs me, I’ll be in the corner weeping over the poor partners and their lower profits-per-partner because they’re paying us associates more money. (WSJ Law Blog)

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“Luke, I am your mayor.”

darth-vadar.jpgA Mayor in Australia is now serving a jail sentence, having lost an appeal seeking to overturn his conviction. That conviction? False accounting and theft from the city council. What he falsely accounted and stole? Almost three grand worth of stuff, including a refrigerator, women’s underwear and a Darth Vader voice modulator.

What’d the Australian teacher’s five fingers say to the student’s face?


“I’m legal, beeyatch!”

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Oh, come on - he’s just a romantic!

romance2.jpgSixty-year-old Warren Robinson was already having a bad day, coming into court to face a domestic violence charge. But things got worse when he wound up being arrested and charged with bribery. That’s because, when he showed up for his hearing, he handed an envelope to Judge Charles Cofer’s assistant. In the envelope was $100 and a three page letter asking for his case to be dismissed

During the first hearing on the bribery charge, the judge made light of the offer, asking the prosecutor: “How much favoritism did he reasonably feel he’d receive for only $100? … Was this more an inappropriate gesture than bribery?”

But here’s the thing — the note in the envelope also said:

Please accept this little token of gratitude and appreciation towards me. P.S. Take your wife out to dinner on me on Valentine’s Day.

So, what — a wife-beater can’t try to spark a little romance for a judge and his wife? What’s our world coming too?

Woah! McCain’s Daughter is a Hottie

Meghan McCain, ladies and gentleman. Total cutie, but a bit on the Valley Girl side.

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The Going Rate for Copping a Kiddie Feel? $5

j_goble_class.jpgWere these teachers simply dumb, or was there something more sinister at work:

A class of third-grade students at a western Kentucky elementary school was searched by a group of teachers after an envelope containing $5 disappeared, a school official said.
The students at Martin Luther King Elementary in Hopkinsville were asked to remove their shoes and socks during the search. School officials say four teachers had physical contact with the 17 students, and some were patted down.”The way they treat our students is ridiculous,” said Zlatko Skuljan, the father of a 9-year-old girl in the class.

What the hell? Pat downs for a $5 bill? How hard do you have to pat a kid down to determine if there is a slip of paper beneath the fabric? Why don’t you just ask the kids to empty their goddamn pockets? Man, I’d be pretty pissed if I was a parent, too.

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Sh*t or Get off the Pot

HomeToiletImage2.jpgSomebody really had to take a leak:

An 18-year-old man suffered five stab wounds to the stomach in a fight over how long he was taking in the bathroom of a home in the Linda Vista area, authorities said Tuesday. An argument between the victim and a 28-year-old man who lived at the home escalated into a fight in which three of the man’s friends jumped in and began fighting with the victim, Dare said.
A friend of the victim, a 41-year-old man, came to his aid and the two armed themselves with sticks, Dare added. During the fight, the man who lived at the home and his friends threw bottles at the victim and his friend, and one armed himself with a knife and stabbed the victim five times in the stomach, he said.

Damn! You know what you do when they won’t get out of the restroom? Pee in the sink, motherfucker. There’s considerably less bloodshed.

Worst Job Ever?

1_62_craig_larry_frontmug.jpgFor Immediate Release:

Idaho Senator Larry Craig is currently seeking intern applications for the summer term, which runs from May to August. The application deadline is March 15, however if more time is needed for the application process, please contact Senator Craig’s office for an extension.
‘“Interns have the chance to be an essential part of a working congressional office,” said Craig. “They participate in the legislative process as well as ensure that constituent services run smoothly. For those interested in politics, it is an incredible opportunity to get a behind-the-scenes look at how our government functions while serving the people of Idaho.”

It’s the “behind the scenes” part, actually, that troubles me the most.

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The Daily Memo - 2/27/08

check.jpgThe Jim Davis estate Jim Davis will probably make this guy take this site down at some point, but it turns out that the Garfield comic strip is actually kinda fantastic if you just get rid of the lazy, fat, lasagna loving cat. (garfield minus garfield)

check.jpgDon’t cry for the disbarred PI lawyer, Argentina, because he’s got a freaking $35 million mansion. (Above the Law)

check.jpgWhat’s the deal with that cookbook plagiarism lawsuit? (FindLaw)

check.jpgWhat’s the deal with law school grading curves? (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgNote to self — if I ever make counterfeit $100 bills, don’t put Lincoln on them. (WSOCTV)

check.jpgA woman has been charged with arson, and she says that she burned the building in question down because she was just tired of looking at it. (KXXI)

check.jpgI don’t get it, but a Washington state prosecutor is pissed off at Massachusetts because violent ex-cons leave MA to come kill people in WA. (Boston Herald)

check.jpgEven if it’s been shut down for a while, you probably don’t want to break into a police station to steal shit. (WISTV)

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“…and a bag of chips, and some sodas, and this gum, andthesecondoms, and a Snickers bar…”

condoms.jpgSure, guys can be nervous the first time they have to go get themselves a rubber. They hit the local 7-11 or CVS and purchase $50 worth of crap to cover up their condom purchase. Or, their first box of condoms surreptitiously winds up in the bottom of a backpack, because the embarrassment of getting busted for shoplifting is infinitely preferable to the embarrassment of buying rubbers (and so strong is male teenage lust, that they don’t think about the embarrassment of getting caught stealing condoms).

An Ohio man really let the hormones and embarrassment get to his head, and took shit to another level. A convenience store was held up by a guy holding a semiautomatic pistol. He asked the clerk to hand over a bunch of money and, perhaps trying to sneak it under the radar, also asked for a single condom. I mean, just imagine — so nervous about buying rubbers that even though you’re about to walk out of a convenience store with a pocket full of cash, you just have to get that lone rubber thrown in as well. That, ladies, is the male mind.

The gosh darn best insurance company this side of hell

health-net.jpgSpeaking of health insurance, 52-year-old Patsy Bates just got a hefty $9 million verdict against her former health insurance company, Health Net Inc. Back in 2005, she was undergoing cancer treatments when Health Net decided, “nah, we don’t want to keep paying for this nonsense,” canceling her policy and leaving with over $100,000 in unpaid bills (lucky for her, a state-funded program covered her treatments so she didn’t, you know, die).

And this Health Net place is shady as fuck. It’s admitted that it ran a program in 2002 and 2003 where it illegally paid bonuses as incentives to administrators who hit a target number of policy cancellations. And it’s also being sued by the L.A. city attorney for allegedly canceling 1,600 insurance policies illegally.

Health Net! A better decision, indeed.

I’m going to have words with my company!

health-benefits.jpgIn Pennsylvania, the state mailed out about 40,000 postcards to retired state workers telling them about some changes to their health benefits, changes which might not make them happy. A variety of health plan offerings were listed, along with phone numbers which could be called for more information.

But folks who called the number listed for the Advantra Freedom plan found that, instead of talking to an insurance rep or someone equally knowledgeable with all things health insurance, they were calling a phone sex line.

Seriously, why doesn’t my health plan include phone sex? That shit does wonders for your spiritual well being, you know. Shit should be included, with at least an 80/20 payment sharing, right?

… because there’s not enough road rage as it is …

50003~Confederate-Flag-Posters.jpgA Florida representative, Donald Brown (who I believe is a ranking member of the Dipshit Party) has filed a bill asking the state to add a “Confederate Heritage” license plate to the arsenal of specialty license tags in the state. The extra $25 fee for the plate — which would give motorists a way to “show pride in their heritage” — would go to the Sons of Confederate Veterans to honor those who had great-great grandparents who fought hard to keep slavery alive.

Jesus Christ: Why doesn’t the guy just ask the state to add a “I Hate Black People” license plate while he’s at it. Six of one, half-dozen of the other.

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ryan_reynolds_97.jpgNote to self: Next time I’m strapped to a gurney, resist urge to drool.

An FDNY emergency medical technician turned the Hippocratic Oath on its ear, slugging a restrained patient in the face during a ride to Kings County Hospital, a $2 million suit alleges.
Dennis Mathis, 25, was strapped onto a stretcher last Dec. 1 when he incurred the wrath of an EMT by drooling on him, according to the suit.
“My son was face down and the EMS worker was trying to put an oxygen mask on him, and I heard him yelling and screaming that he was choking,” said Mathis’ distraught mother, Stephanie Bethean.

What the suit doesn’t say, however, is why the patient was drooling: Apparently, Ryan Reynolds was walking by. I hope this guy doesn’t have children; I’d hate to see what he did to a teething infant.

Duck duck goose

duck-duck-goose.jpgA train conductor for CSX Transportation is now suing the company for negligence after an accident in a railyard. Aaron Richards was performing a brake test on a train when things went bad.

You might be thinking that the brakes failed, causing the train to wreck. …You’d be wrong.

You might be thinking that the brakes worked too well, causing Richards to lurch forward and injure himself. …You’d still be wrong.

You might be thinking that he was inspecting the train when a goose attacked him. …You’d be right.

Richards says that CSX knew that this goose nested in the train yards, and was therefore negligent in not protecting him when the fiercest of the animal kingdom sprung out from underneath a train and attacked him so viciously that he fell right the fuck over.

When asked for comment, the goose in question said: “Yeah, I attacked the guy. I feast on the blood of humans, what can I say?”

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And You Thought Your Labor Contractions Were Bad

_149107_childbirth_300_%2811-08-98%29_elvis.jpgLadies: I know how hard it is to deliver a child into the world; I’ve seen it, without drugs (my wife didn’t have them either). I know about the “ring of fire.” It didn’t look like a pleasant experience. Believe you me, I could never be a woman — I could never imagine my pelvic bones shape shifting.

But can you imagine what it might be like to give birth to a baby while you’re hanging from a tree!

A pregnant woman in Papua New Guinea who was hung from a tree after being accused of sorcery gave birth to her baby while struggling to free herself.
Nolan Yekum and her husband Paul were dragged from their house and hung from a tree by fellow tribesmen who accused them of sorcery after the couple’s neighbour suddenly died.

Errrr — If you can give birth while hanging from a rope, I don’t think that sorcery charge is too off the mark.

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The Daily Memo - 2/26/08

check.jpgDo Californians want to get high? (The Chronic Corner)

check.jpgMmmm … sexual corruption scandal in Australia. (Independent.co.uk)

check.jpgProstitutes of the world Canada, unite! (stuff.co.nz)

check.jpgA Cali state Senator representing parts of LA and surrounding areas has submitted a bill seeking to protect various factions of the entertainment industry because, well, Cali loves it some Hollywood. (LAist)

check.jpgYou know what? Even if the guy wasn’t actually mentally ill, doesn’t he deserve credit for smearing shit on his face and slicing his wrists in the courtroom anyway? (SPTimes)

check.jpgGuys showing up to their DUI hearings drunk is old hat. But showing up plastered? That’s fantastic. (Jacksonville Journal-Courier)

check.jpgA dude got busted for running a major marijuana grow house when a clerk noticed that the cash he used to pay his taxes stunk of skunk. (KGW)

Them’s Fightin’ Words!

0225081ortiz1.jpgI fucking love this: The presidential campaign has provoked a stabbing! From to the Smoking Gun:

According to cops, Jose Antonio Ortiz (pictured), 28, stabbed Sean Shurelds last Thursday night in the kitchen of an Upper Providence Township home. According to a criminal complaint, the 41-year-old Shurelds, an Obama supporter, told Ortiz that the Illinois senator was “trashing” Clinton (apparently in regard to recent primary and caucus results). Ortiz, a Clinton supporter, replied that “Obama was not a realist.” While not exactly fighting words, the verbal political tiff led to some mutual choking and punching. And, allegedly, a stabbing in the abdomen. Ortiz, pictured in the mug shot below, was charged with a felony aggravated assault count and two misdemeanors and jailed in lieu of $20,000 bail.

You just knew the Clinton supported was gonna play dirty, didn’t you? Leave it to a Hillaryite to pull out a knife.

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Look ma - one hand!

chain-o-lakes.jpgLast week, a Florida man got himself good and drunk. And this Leroy Meredith, well, he knows how to have a good time when he’s three sheets to the wind — so he did what any good drunk Floridian does:

Titusville police said Leroy Meredith climbed a lookout tower in Chain of Lakes Park … he then took off all his clothes and began urinating.

But god bless Mr. Meredith — he kept drinking all the while, and was still tossing back the beer when the cops showed up.

Needless to say, Meredith has a fine indecent exposure charge coming his way, and probably some public drunkenness to top things off.

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Wang + Urinal Sensors = Not What You Think

mercedes.jpgIn Taiwan, Wang Chi-sheng was recently busted stealing a urinal sensor from the restroom of a closed gas station. The first question is, of course, why the hell Wang would want to steal a urinal sensor.

According to what he told the cops escorting him out of the gas station, he planned to use the sensor to test out some sort of design he has for improving his Mercedes. The cops laughed at this, and a local Mercedes technician says Wang’s plan was “unbelievable,” with a zero probability of success.

But the more important question here is, what in the hell is Wang doing in his car that he needs it custom fit with urinal sensors in the first place? Maybe he’s building a new version of K.I.T.T.

“Michael, I believe you are pissing yourself.”

…Actually, given Hasselhoff’s current condition of late, he very well might need a car to tell him when he’s pissing himself.

In Case You Missed It …

Mike Huckabee actually managed to be funny on “SNL” over the weekend. Like, for reals.

In other late-night political video goodness, has anyone seen John McCain’s “Secrets” series on Conan O’Brien? This guy is the presumptive Republican nominee, and he’s making cheap — but hilarious — jokes on a late-night talk show. Reagan never would’ve done this; in fact, I think it’s Bob Dole’s self-deprecating sense of humor after his loss in 1992 which opened the door for other G.O.P. candidates to actually show their funny side. The Republicans may get walloped in November (rightfully so), but so far anyway, they’re a lot more amusing. Check it out:

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Nader Throws Hat in Ring; Forgets To Take It Off First

RalphNader_aj.jpgEverything this man has been widely respected for, and his once decent reputation, continues to plunge into an abyss of self-indulgence.

Consumer activist Ralph Nader launched an independent campaign for the White House on Sunday, criticizing the Republican and Democratic candidates for not addressing issues “that are supported by a majority of the American people.”
“You go from Iraq to Palestine/Israel, from Enron to Wall Street, from Katrina to the bungling of the Bush administration, to the complicity of the Democrats in not stopping him on the war, stopping him on the tax cuts, getting a decent energy bill through,” he told NBC’s “Meet the Press,” and you have to ask yourself, as a citizen: Should we elaborate the issues that the two [parties] are not talking about?”

Give it up, Ralpie. Every time you run, you lose a little more credibility. Nobody wants to vote for your ass, man. Go lobby for some better car safety regulations and leave the politicking to those who have a goddamn chance. Numnuts.

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Max Karson: First Amendment Champion or Fucktard II

YetiNoFeelingsSmall.JPGMax Karson, our favorite First Amendment douchebag, is back in the news this week. Last year, some may recall that — the day after the Virginia Tech shootings — Karson, when asked about how he felt in one of his University of Colorado classes, stated “if anyone in here says that they’ve never been so angry that you wanted to kill 32 people, you’re lying,” and that he was “angry about all kinds of things, from fluorescent light bulbs to the unpainted walls, and it made him angry enough to kill people.” Karson was also reportedly asked: “Would you kill all of us?” His response: “No. Not all of you.”

Karson — who has a history of free speech douchebaggery — was suspended but, apparently, he made it back, because this year he’s a student editor for the college newspaper. This week, he wrote a column for the paper which, once again, prompted an apology from the school’s administration. The piece in question was titled, “If it’s war the Asians want … It’s war they’ll get.”

In his commentary, Karson called for all Asians to be rounded up for a “reformation” that involves forcing them to drink, dance and eat bad sushi.
“They hate us all,” Karson wrote. “And I say it’s time we started hating them back.”

The piece, which was rife with Asian stereotypes, obviously offended a large segment of the student population. It was, as the administration wrote, “a poor attempt at satire.”

I see where Karson is coming from, and I even appreciate his testicle size, to an extent. He has a history, dating all the way back to high school in Massachusetts, of writing or saying horribly offensive things and using the First Amendment to excuse them; his father, an attorney, always saves the day, too. And while I applaud the sentiment, I don’t know why the dude has to be such a tool bag to get his point across. It smacks of sophomorism and that sort of misguided shock wankery that attention whores indulge in (I oughtta know).

But there are better ways to defend the First Amendment without being a racist jackass or terrifying half your classmates. And I’m hoping that Karson eventually uses his obvious writing talent toward something positive, rather than trying to make a stupid point that doesn’t need making in the first place.

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High School Pranks - Let’s Hear Some Stories!

hens.jpgEarlier this month, in Northeast High School in Philly, some kids went into the school over the weekend and unleashed dozens of chickens and hens. Hilarious? Not so much. But definitely amusing. Although it wasn’t so amusing to the school, which had to cancel classes that Monday and spend a nice bit of money cleaning it all up. While security cameras have video of those responsible for the senior prank, they were wearing hoodies, and investigations into kids buying chickens and laying hens haven’t turned up any strong leads.

That reminds me of a senior prank that took place my senior year where, right in the middle of a May school day, five guys in black, complete with ski masks, started running through the halls, hucking eggs into classrooms and, occasionally, at the more tortured and abused students. It was sorta amusing, although you had to feel bad for the poor kids who themselves got egged. It was also really stupid, because the five guys in question were all football players, and despite the ski masks, were pretty identifiable. One dude, who had to be a good 250 if he was a pound, also had this pin-sized head, so everyone knew who he was immediately. Not the best laid plan. They weren’t arrested or charged with anything, I don’t think, but they were banned from graduation.

When my mom was in high school, she said that some seniors pulled off the oft-talked about prank of putting a cow up on the school roof (although I think she said they managed to get it down without having to helicopter it off, despite the fact that cows supposedly can’t walk down stairs).

Got any good senior prank stories? Please share.

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The Daily Memo - 2/25/08

check.jpgIf Barack gets the nomination, is his vice-presidential candidate likely to die on election night? (North Star Writers Group)

check.jpgApple and Starbucks are finding themselves on the backend of a patent dispute. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgThe IRS is suing Nic Cage because he allegedly tried to write off over a million bucks in personal expenses between 2002 and 2004, and the IRS thinks he owes them some coin. (Zap2It)

check.jpgA fantastic recitation of facts from an unpublished 1995 Illinois decision gives me major flashback to my nerdy D&D days. (Above the Law)

check.jpgFor our law student readers, a head’s up — next year, you 2Ls are going to have to be quicker in accepting summer associate offers. (Law.com)

check.jpgRepresenative Rick Renzi (R-AR) just had a 26-page federal indictment opened on his ass, an indictment for extortion, wire fraud and money laundering, among other bad things, revolving around a sale of land in Arizona. (The Raw Story)

check.jpgThe “most Dictalicious circuit in the country” turns its opinions to meth cases involving a guy living and cooking in a rented storage unit. (Supreme Dicta)

A great holiday, or the greatest holiday?

braless.jpgYou can have your President’s Day and Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that. Whatever. Because deep down, you know that St. Patty’s Day is truly the best holiday of the year. Trouble being, of course, that it’s not actually a national holiday.

Well Guiness would like to change that with “Proposition 3-17,” an online petition looking for a million signatures between now and March 16th. Of course, this is nothing more than a marketing and publicity stunt, but it’s working, because I’m linking to it and talking about it, aren’t I?

But here’s the thing — it’s not St. Patrick’s Day that we need to be a national holiday. Rather, we need National Day After St. Patrick’s Day, because that’s the day we really need off work. At least, if we’re celebrating properly.

(And in related news, it seems that places like my home state of Pennsylvania are finally starting to get rid of their idiotic beer laws.)

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Florida Gets Something Right!

jack-thompson-cartoon.jpgWe’ve talked about Florida attorney Jack Thompson a couple of times on this site. He’s the asshat who blames everything bad in the world on video games, who submitted gay porn to a court, and who got into a comment fight with fellow blawger Alan Childress. During that battle, he proudly pronounced: “I’m not going to be disbarred. Deal with it.”

Well the Florida Supreme Court may not be ready to disbar him just yet, but they’re still not too happy with him. Last week the Florida Supremes issued what’s called an Order to Show Cause, requiring Thompson to come before them by March 5 to explain “why this Court should not find that you have abused the legal system process and impose upon you a sanction for abusing the legal system” because of the “numerous frivolous and inappropriate filings” he has submitted. That sanction would include a mandate that Thompson not file anything with the Florida courts unless another Florida attorney signs the pleading.


And Thompson issued his usual piss-and-vinegar douchebag response, saying:

This is the single greatest gift that any court has ever given me in my 31 years of practicing law. I shall now, through a new federal lawsuit, deconstruct The Florida Bar…
Thank you, Supremes! You have given me the weapons I need.

Better yet, he also said:

This is a brazen attempt by this court to repeal the absolute right of every citizen, under the First Amendment, to “petition the government for a redress” of grievances…
The [Florida] Bar threatens a whistleblower with retribution because he dares to keep blowing the whistle? This court has threatened Thompson. He does not threaten back. He hereby informs this court that he will see it in federal court. This court has just thrown Brer Rabbit into the briar patch.

If Thompson is Brer Rabbit, I hope he repeatedly pricks himself in that patch.

(Hat tip to Gamer Andy for the image.)

Frakking Hell

bsg-gals.jpgThis is some bullshit right here. If I told you a legal blog was going to interview the producers of “Battlestar Galactica,” you’d just assume QuizLaw was the blog in question, right? I mean, our sister site does TV reviews and I’m the god damned TV Whore for Christ’s sake. And yet, we’re not the legal blog hosting audio interviews with Ron Moore and David Eick. No sir. Instead, that honor goes to Concurring Opinions, a collective of law professors and other legal wonks.


One of the interviewers is even a cat I went to high school with, and who was my debate partner and co-captain in high school (yes, Mildred, I was a fucking nerd in high school). Anyway, they’ve got the first two parts of their interview up now, and they’ll be posting the other two parts of their interview today and tomorrow. …Bastards.

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…On the road to victory!

As with many of our Friday videos, this has nothing to do with the law. Except that it should maybe be illegal for one’s precious memories of some of their favorite childhood athletes to be tainted so.

Man, kicker Luis Zendajas needs to be on “American Idol” post haste. That guy’s got it all!

Hattip to The 700 Level.

Run For Your Lives! You’re Already Dead!

black_superman.jpgI sort of thought the GOP had backed off a little from their fear-mongering tactics, what with Barack Obama’s hope kryptonite eating away at their effectiveness. I guess I was wrong; they’ve got a new ad running kvetching about expiration of The Protect America Act that basically steals whole cloth scenes and adverts from “24”. As Glen Glenwald at Salon.com amusingly writes:

The ad uses the typing-in-progress computer font and a Heritage-like stopwatch counting the seconds before we’re all dead, as popularized by “24” and scary Terrorist movies … The whole thing is set to blood-pumping, They’re-coming!! music. It’s very uplifting, very exciting, and not at all manipulative or exploitive. We just need to be safe. That’s all that matters. Please, anything for that. Spy on us with no warrants. Give everything to the telecom industry that they demand. Just please protect us in your strong and loving arms.”

Glenwald has also dug up clips from Season 7 of “24” to show the style and substance similarities, but if you just want to watch the video and judge for yourself, here it is — try to refrain from running to the nearest bunker when it’s over:

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But your honors, it looks like a dead snail!

snail.jpgIn Minnesota, the Court of Appeals has ruled that a mother can’t sue the local hospital for medical malpractice just because she doesn’t like the way her son’s wee-wee looks following a circumcision.

Seems that mommy checked the “cut my son” box on her prenatal form, which of course gives the hospital authorization to remove his turtle neck. But her lawyer says she should’ve been consulted before the snip anyway because “isn’t the mom allowed to change her mind?”

Shut up, asshat. This simply sounds like a mother looking to get a payday off her poor kid’s little manhood (and she already settled her lawsuit with the doctor — a lawsuit claiming assault, battery and negligence — so she has probably already pocketed some coin she doesn’t deserve).

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The Daily Memo - 2/22/07

check.jpgBraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains. “Lazarus had it easy. Not so for Laura Todd, who has been trying to come back from the dead for nearly a decade.” (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgMan, I miss Philly TV. (Law.com)

check.jpgDon’t just arrest the paparazzi —- if there’s anyone deserving of a good tasing, bro, it’s these guys. (FindLaw)

check.jpgThe latest in law school students proving that law school students are a pain in the ass. I mean, so what if the dean was a little funny with the money and the grades and all that. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgMan, I would pay tons of money to watch Sly Stallone on the witness stand. (Lawinfo)

check.jpgThe NFL loves the churches now because, well, everyone knows there’s no football in hell. (Overlawyered)

check.jpg“Kirkland & Ellis: We love minorities! (But don’t dare take us to court if you are one.)” Hee-hee. At my real job, we’ve been schooling Kirkland a little lately, so stories like this just make me titter. (Above the Law)

Jon Stewart on Election ‘08

… because he always says it better than anyone else.

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Well at least he didn’t beat her

vomit.jpgGina Boyd was driving with her 3 year-old-daughter when things got bad. We’re talking little girl puking in in a Dodge Caravan bad. So Boyd understandably tried to rush home, making an illegal U-turn in the process.

A cop happened to see this and pulled her over. That part’s understandable. But when Boyd explained that the reason for the incident was the, you know, puking, the cop didn’t bat an eye and gave her a $123 citation anyway. Sympathy because she’s a stay-at-home mother of three whose husband is serving in Iraq right now? No sir.

A sheriff’s spokeswoman said that Boyd made an illegal turn and that’s that.

True enough, but I’ve been pulled over for speeding, which is just as illegal, and have gotten a simple warning on multiple occasions, because the cops have this thing called discretion. And in appropriate circumstances, they can, you know, use that discretion to be reasonable. But in Florida, reason was given up a long time ago, so I guess this shouldn’t surprise me.

And the headline of the week award…

dont-be-a-wanker.jpg…Goes to “The Local,” which is “Sweden’s News in English.” The Swede’s, it would seem, have a very solid grasp on the English language, throwing this headline up, on Valentine’s Day of all days:

Police get a grip on serial masturbator

A woman found this dude yanking it in a stairwell and she called the cops. They showed up and arrested the naked man, and here’s the best part: he spent the 40 minute drive back to the police station continuing “with his manual labour.” One assume the cops got him to finally stop at the station, which is where they discovered that he’s known in the area “for holding his own in difference churches and other public places.”

First of all — god bless this man. I’m not sure that I could keep it up while in the back of a cop car in the first place but, if I could, I’m especially not sure I have the stamina or wherewithal to keep it going for 40 minutes. That’s some tantric Sting shit, right there.

Second off all, as much as I love the headline from The Local, I love the end of the actual html link to the story even better:


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Barack the White?

gollum2.jpgQL friend, Jonathan V. Last (from the illustrious Galley Slaves), made a very interesting observation in the Weekly Standard this week, and it’s worth sharing for our Lord of the Rings fans:

Tolkien was obsessed with the power of voice throughout his Lord of the Rings series, particularly in the person of Saruman the White. Saruman’s voice is so powerful, we’re told, that it is able to suggest and shape the actions and thoughts of men. Here’s Tolkien’s description of “The Voice of Saruman”:

low and melodious, its very sound an enchantment … it was a delight to hear the voice speaking, all that it said seemed wise and reasonable, and desire woke in them by swift agreement to seem wise themselves … for those whom it conquered the spell endured while they were far away and ever they heard that soft voice whispering and urging them.

Listening to Barack Obama speak, for example at his victory speech tonight, it strikes me that this passage might just as easily describe him.

I guess, then, that Hillary’s voice is like Gollum’s: Hoarse, garbled, screechy, and desperate, with a slight note of evil beneath. “My… preciousssss.”

Snot Rockets

barackobanacigarettcopyph6.jpgAbout a half-hour into a speech in Dallas, Texas, Barack Obama announced that he had to take a quick break.

“Gotta blow my nose here for a second,” Obama said.
Out came a Kleenex (or perhaps it was a hankie), and he wiped his nose.
The near-capacity audience at the Reunion Arena, which his campaign said totaled 17,000, broke out in a slightly awkward applause.

So much for Hillary’s theory that Barack is style over substance: The man can produce substance on command, y’all.

I bet that hankie goes for thousands on EBay, too.

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President Bush Succeeds in Failing!

15_61_011007_bush_iraq_speech.jpgGeorge Bush, arguably (but only slightly) the worst president in the history of the country, has finally achieved — after nearly eight years — something no other U.S. President has achieved: American Research Group’s lowest approval rating ever:

Overall, 19% of Americans say that they approve of the way George W. Bush is handling his job as president, 77% disapprove, and 4% are undecided.

Congratulations, President! No one likes you! Yes: Even Jesus disapproves of the way you are handling your job as president.

In a related story, the Bush administration is now comparing itself to Abraham Lincoln.


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The Daily Memo - 2/21/08

check.jpgA local asshole was arrested for breaking his puppy’s back legs and jaw after breaking up with his girlfriend. (LAist)

check.jpgBush signed a good law, making the Do-Not-Call Registry permanent. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgI’m no Hillary supporter, but to ask if she’s got an unfair edge because she’s married to a “super-duper-delegate?” …Please. The more important question is why we haven’t gotten rid of this stupid system in the first place. (FindLaw)

check.jpgA whole buttload of Supreme Court decisions rolled off the bench yesterday. (SCOTUSblog)


costanza.jpgIn Germany, a 21-year-old man has been convicted for distributing pornographic materials, for which he must pay a 150 euros fine. His actual crime? He sent a photo of his dick, via his cell phone, to a random woman. She called the cops, who tracked the man down and found evidence that he might have done this to other random ladies as well.

Meanwhile, Judge Christian Kropp said what no man wants to hear:

We all had a bit of a laugh when we saw the thing.

Now that’s just going too far

television.jpgOk, Australia. Hear me now and hear me good. I’m all for parental responsibility. You got kids who are getting into trouble and making repeat trips to youth camps and juvey? Absolutely you should try to get the parents involved and, at the least, make them accountable.

But there’s holding parents accountable and there’s just being ridiculous. Now if you wanted to throw the parents in jail for the crimes of their children? I’d be ok with that. But seizing their televisions? That’s out of fucking control!

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Legal Math


(Man + hotel whiskey + tastes like piss + fight with employee + kicked out) * (fired from job + lost new job) = $30,000 lawsuit

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Just Give It Up Already

It’s as though the Hillary Clinton enthusiasts are in a battle royale to see who can suck the most. First, there was Hillary4U&Me video, and now some enterprising tone-deaf woman has decided to bring a little “Laverne and Shirley” flavor to her campaign.

I really wish she wouldn’t have.

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Can’t we all just get along

philly.jpgThe new Mayor of Philadelphia, Michel Nutter, thinks people need to stop being assholes to the city workers. He said that Philly folks aren’t always “as nice as they could be when they encounter a public employee…. Treat people the way you want to be treated.”

Man, if Nutter thinks that’s all it takes to turn Philly into a nicer place, he’s got a long administration ahead of him.

Christ, next thing you know, Mayor Nutter will be asking Eagles fans to start being nicer to the Cowboys and the Giants. And for Phillies fans to sing kumbaya with Mets fans.

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Small-Time Politicians Generously Donate Stupidity for our Benefit

gaymodel.jpgThree current and former politicians around the country are in trouble this week for being dumbasses. In Colorado Springs, Robert Ptasy — an ex-councilman — is facing a felony after he dropped a pill into a date’s drink. The pill: Valium. The problem: His waiter saw him do it and reported it to the police.


Meanwhile, in Louisiana, Rep. Charmaine Marchand continued to improve the reputation of politicians when she raised a fuss over a bill that would limit lobbyists from spending more than $50 on meals with individual lawmakers. Marchand insists that the limit should be raised, fearing that “if it’s $50, I think we’re going to be eating at Taco Bell.’ That’s a lot of tacos, Representative. Consider this: Buy your own fucking lunch!

You lose.

Finally, in Birmingham, Alabama, Mayor Larry Langford and his friend/businessman John Katopodis are in some hot water after it was revealed that a lot of tax-payer money meant to provide computers to children ended up in the hands of a gay porn star.

Documents show $30,000 went to actor Marc Anthony Donais, who was known as Ryan Idol when he was a star in the gay porn industry in the 1990s.
Katopodis has denied misusing the money and computers given to the charity. Court documents show that Katopodis said in sworn testimony the actor received $5,000 from the computer charity and $25,000 from the Council of Cooperating Governments, which Katopodis headed.
Besides being a porn star, Donais is a businessman who worked for the charity and fixed computers despite lacking any formal training in the area, Katopodis said.
“He, as I say, helped us, he traveled helping to try to set up computer programs in other areas among disadvantaged communities,” Katopodis said.

And by “disadvantaged,” of course, he means: Gay, horny, and unethical.

The Daily Memo - 2/20/08

check.jpgNot exactly law-related (unless/until CNN gets its ass sued), but friend of sister-site Pajiba has posted the details on his blog-related and unceremonious firing from CNN. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

check.jpgJessica Simpson and her pops are being sued because they hate fatties. (Webster’s Is My Bitch)

check.jpgJapan’s Supremes love them some naked Mapplethorpe photos. (FindLaw)

check.jpgThe Federal Circuit is going to review business method patents, and the Law Blog’s new blawger is super excited. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThe Supremes are letting Montana sue Wyoming. (FindLaw)

check.jpgBut they’re going to pass on a review of Bush’s warrantless wiretapping program. (Nota Bene)

check.jpgA USA Reporter may be held in contempt, and not over her paper’s incessant use of charts and graphs. (LawInfo)

check.jpg“Your tacos or your life!” Shit man, you can take my life, but you can never take … my tacos!!! (FindLaw)

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Racist Dipshit Sticks Foot in Mouth; Bites It Off

3197673.jpgRemember last week, when I told you about the classy Utah Senator, Chris Buttars, who said of a bill he opposed: “This baby is black … It’s a dark, ugly thing”? Well, Buttars wanted to make amends with the NAACP after the incident; unfortunately, he doesn’t know how to shut his racist mouth.

See, first: After agreeing to meet with the NAACP, Buttars backed out after learning that the media would be present because, well, the media does this weird thing where they report what you say, and since Buttars can’t help but to say dipshit things, he probably wisely backed out. Of course, that didn’t stop him from saying dipshit things — in fact, Buttars told the Salt Lake Tribune that he had become the target of a “lynch mob.

Duuuuuude! If African-Americans start accusing you of racism, among the top five stupidest things you could say is that you’re the target of a lynch mob. Appropriately, the NAACP took umbrage:

“The man knows nothing about what a lynch mob is,” said Edward Lewis Jr., the former regional president of the NAACP, holding an article about a lynching in 1925 in Price. “It’s an insult for the man to say he’s being lynched when we know what real lynchings are.”

And what does Buttars do in response? Jams that fucking foot of his through the back of his throat:

“Lynch mob is a Western term. You wouldn’t find one person in 10,000 in Utah that thinks that’s a racist term,” Buttars said in a phone interview Tuesday evening. “That’s not a racial term in my opinion. How do I know what words I’m supposed to use in front of those people?”

First of all, you are an idiot, Buttars. A third-degree bigot without an ounce of decency, you dumb fucking git. (Sorry, Senator Git). And second of all — I’m just guessing here, but if you’re trying to say the right thing, maybe you ought’nt refer to African-Americans as “those people.”

You assdrink. Quit your fucking job and go hide in a hole and die.

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Uhm, no you won’t

Seriously Hillary, don’t try to play Obama’s game, because you won’t win.

(Feel free to stop watching after the 35 second mark, although there is a bizarre bit of crowd interaction at around 1:30 — I don’t know if there’s anything worth watching past that, because I just couldn’t stick with it.)

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Send us the bill

smart-money.jpgThe Massachusetts Department of Environmental Protection has decided that the city of Fitchburg needs to beef up its local wastewater facility. So it issued a mandate that the city install a new facility at the plant, a facility that will cost almost $10 million to build. City Council President Thomas Conry thinks this mandate, without any money from the state, is hogwash.

State and federal governments continue to push unfunded mandates on cities and towns and we just can’t afford to do them.

The nearby city of Worcester has flipped the bird to similar projects mandated by the state without funding, and Fitchburg has decided to join them. This stand doesn’t come without a price, however, as the mandate includes a $1,000 per day penalty starting next March. But Fitchburg figures it’s cheaper to just pay that fine than to spend the $800,000 per year it’ll take to build the plant, money which would come from a sewer tax hike to residents.

Of course, that still adds up to $365,000 per year, so one wonders where the city will get the cash. But whatever, cause there’s a part of me that definitely loves seeing a whole city stand up the man.

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The Slate Roundup

slate.jpgI found so many interesting links at Slate yesterday, that instead of just tossing them in the Daily Memo, they’re getting their own entry (how you like me now, Slate?!).

First up, Jack Shafer contemplates Barack Obama, the Plagiarist, looking at the media’s quick defense of Obama and then concluding that he is not, in fact, a thieving thief. Shafer even makes a comment similar to what Dustin said yesterday, noting that Harvard would’ve smacked the shit out of him had he included his words in a student paper (and he also mentions Biden’s 1988 presidential run). Look at you Dustin, offering critique like the big boys!

Then there’s the lovely Dahlia Lithwick, who gives us the latest in her Supreme Court Dispatches, this time telling us that “the Supreme Court squints at America’s elderly federal employees.” Yesterday morning, the Supremes heard oral argument in a case that looks at whether federal age-discrimination laws should be extended to protect federal works from retaliation for being whistle-blowers. And her conclusion pretty much tells us how this decision is going to play out:

That sound you’re hearing today isn’t just the courthouse door closing on thousands more Americans and their lawsuits. It’s also the sound of a very energized conservative bloc on the high court that seems to grow younger every day.

Two more quick links. First, in discussing the DVD release of Michael Clayton, we learn about the film’s “devastating critique of the legal profession.” And lastly, Jeff Greenfield offers some guidance for how the Democrat superdelegates can figure out who to vote for at the Democratic National Convention.

Well yeah, that’s a no brainer

law-students.jpgLast week, Above the Law asked if lawyers should date lawyers, and I gave the rather simple and undetailed response of “no.” In the comments, three elle touted the joys of law school students dating each other, which made me realize that I should clarify last week’s post.

Yes, lawyers totally shouldn’t date other lawyers.

But law students absolutely must date other law students.

Not for their own health and well-being, mind you, but for the entertainment of everyone else. That resulting drama is endlessly amusing and really helps you get through the whole law school thing. Plus, if it gives rise to learning about how one of your section-mates is into auto-erotic asphyxiation, a revelation that comes out in the middle of a crim law class, well, all the better.

Bubba Will Smite Your Ass

whichisit.JPGA couple of things: First, as I’ve stated, I am fully on the Obama bandwagon — that said, I’m not keen on the way he’s been blowing off this plagiarism charge. He’s admitting to borrowing parts of this speech from his friend Deval Patrick, but he’s not really taking much responsibility, saying he probably should’ve attributed it to Patrick, but not doing so isn’t a “big deal.” That’s not what Joe Biden said when he was forced to drop out of the 1988 Presidential race because of charges that he’d stolen lines from a UK politician. I mean, lookit: Seth and I went to law school with someone who was suspended for an entire year for failing to appropriately footnote her law school thesis; Barack went to freakin’ Harvard Law School — hell, he was a law school professor, so he knows just how serious this is — you don’t fuck around with plagiarism. Likewise, Hillary can’t steal lines from her husband without attribution and then claim, as she’s been doing, that it’s different because they are husband and wife. That’s just bullshit. Attribute, people.

However, while we’re on the topic, Bill reminded me once again over the weekend why, by marital association, I had so much difficulty giving up on Hillary, as he got all self-righteous and red faced when a heckler went after him. I realize it turns a lot of folks off, but that Clintonian temper is one of the many things that turned me on to him — that’s fiery passion, motherfuckers. Check it out:

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Somebody Best Be Getting They Ass Canned

Go to the 00:35 second mark. Register shock. Forward to friends.

That ain’t OK, folks. And it ain’t even subtle. Somebody needs to get fired. Today.

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Suck My D**k F**k Face

_44437628_ruderbill_two203.jpgMan: I dig the audacity of the waiter responsible for the bill to the right. Unfortunately, the restaurant manager is, apparently, an unforgiving dick who felt obligated to apologize to the ten patrons who received the bill after they complained about poor service.

Ms Watkin said: “I couldn’t believe it. The bill read ‘fish cakes’, which one of us had for a starter, and it was written right above it — absolutely disgusting language.
I think that the way that we’ve been spoken to is absolutely outrageous Clare Watkin.
She added: “I’d like a written apology from the restaurant and I’d also like some compensation.”I think that the way that we’ve been spoken to is absolutely outrageous.”

Give me a break — lighten the hell up, f**k face.

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Wrong Number, Dumbass


How playing a video game can lead to one’s arrest for cocaine possession:

The Louisiana State Police arrested Thomas Ballard, 29, of Delhi, after a concerned citizen called authorities saying she received a call shortly after midnight saying, “I have killed them all.”
Ballard’s telephone number was on her caller ID.
When troopers arrived at his house, Ballard reportedly said he had killed the “bad guys” on his video game and called a friend to share the news. After searching his home to ensure no one had been murdered on the scene, police found a 5-year-old warrant from Baton Rouge for failure to appear on a possession of cocaine charge.

The Daily Memo - 2/19/08

check.jpgKeith Olberman thinks Bush is guilty of his own brand of terrorism. Wait, Olbermann doesn’t like Bush? Get outta here! (The Raw Story)

check.jpgOuch. Local tagger Gustavo Romero has been charged with 72 acts of vandalism for throwing his “Guser” tag up all over the city. (Metroblogging LA)

check.jpgYou think your tax bill is bad? Exxon paid about $30 billion last year. Of course, if I made almost $70 billion, I wouldn’t cry as much about a $30 billion tax bill. But still. (Seeking Alpha)

check.jpg“Ok, yes, I’m going to resign from the state legislature over this whole ‘exposing myself and making lewd comments to a female lobbyist’ business, but for the record, it was consensual. She asked to see my junk!” (The Denver Post)

check.jpgWell alright! According to one poll, Al Franken is leading his chief rival for the Democrat ticket in Minnesota’s Senate race. (Fox Noise)

check.jpgMan, Rock’em Sock’em Robots were the shit! (Likelihood of Confusion)

That’s not illegal … that’s love

Snuggly the Security Bear loves you!

(A big ol tip o’ the hat to Concurring Opinions.)

Oh Dana, why gotta come at us like that?

dana-perino.jpgDana Parino, the White House Press Secretary, is pointing the blame for why Congress is standing up to President Bush and his desires to “keep us safer.” She says it’s the fault of “left-wing bloggers.” That’s right — troublemakers like your very own QuizLaw are going to bring down this country:

The “people’s House” should reflect the priorities of the American people, not the fantasies of left-wing bloggers.

Oh Dana. If the House were really catering to my fantasies, well, let’s just say that you’d be here in Los Angeles with a lengthy receipt of items from Frederick’s of Hollywood.

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Wake up people!

chillin-obama.jpgYesterday’s pair of Obamatroversies taught us that Obama is a thieving wordsmith and that he likes to get hummers from rednecks. (Well to be fair, who doesn’t? I mean, they give the best gum, know what I’m saying?) Well whatever with all that — yesterday’s news, sir.

Look at this shit — Obama is now wearing a wristband given to him by Tracy Jopek last weak, in remembrance of her son, Sgt. Ryan David Jopek, who died in Iraq back in ‘06. The temerity! You know what this means? Only a matter of time before the spin machines come out tell us he he’s trying to ride the backs of dead soldiers into the White House.

And worse than the whole bracelet business, check this shit out — he’s the only candidate who was unwilling to pander for Wisconsin votes! McCain went to fish fry, Hillary was at a bratwurst-and-beer place, Hucakbee was bowling. And where, oh where, was Obama during all this? In a convention hall stealing the words of his friend Deval Patrick.

This madman must. be. stopped!

“One shot?” “Two is pussy.”

deer-hunter.jpgI’ve never understood the allure of hunting. I mean, I’ve shot guns before and will admit that shooting can be pretty damn fun. But I’m totally ok with shooting cans and clay whatchamacallits and other non-living things. No desire whatsoever to pump lead into Bambi. That being said, I don’t have any particular issue with hunting, either, so long as it’s being done legally.

Michael Wayne Hart doesn’t seem to care about the technicalities of that whole legality bit, though. Which could be a problem, seeing as how he’s, you know, a lawyer.

Late last month, a complaint was filed against Hart by the Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission. Seems Hart was hunting with a buddy who managed to bag a deer. And I guess your permit only lets you kill one deer, so Hart gave his buddy his son’s permit to tag the deer, and then they both lied when they took the deer to a check station, claiming that Hart’s son had killed the deer. A son who wasn’t even with them. There was an investigation, and Hart repeatedly lied about the whole thing, and he was eventually busted for obstructing the investigation and illegally loaning a permit. Schmuck.

The best part of this story is pointed out by Alan Childress over at the Legal Profession Blog:

How bad a lawyer do you have to be that you cannot talk your way — legitimately — out of an investigation into this? He must have changed his story four times, or licked his lips constantly while he and Boo Boo recounted the tale to Ranger Smith.
I can just see Jon Lovitz in the role of the lying lawyer: “the license belongs to my wife, eh, Morgan Fairchild, yeah that’s the ticket.”

Seriously. Whatever with discipline for lying and the permit loaning and all those shenanigans. Any lawyer who can’t lie his way outta this shit probably shouldn’t be a lawyer in the first place.

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Obamatroversy II

Oh, it’s on. The smear campaign is in full force, y’all. First, Obama is accused of plagiarizing one of his speeches. And now, in this video, Larry Sinclair — voter, upstanding citizen, civic kook — reveals that he performed “oral sex on [Obama] in the back of his limo” in 1999.

Really? I’d like to think that Obama could do better.

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Plagiarism? Borrowing? Right-wing conspiracy? Coincidence?

You be the judge:

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Less Filling! Tastes Great!

Bud-Ice.gifThe less filling/tastes great controversy took a violent turn last week, when a scuffle broke out between two men over a case of beer.

A 60-year-old Redding man has pleaded not guilty to a charge that he attacked a friend with a machete in a dispute over a case of beer. James Henry Smidt is accused of attacking Randall Jackson after the two men argued over a case of Bud Ice on Tuesday night. Police say the 57-year-old Jackson suffered gashes on his neck, arm, head and face.

Bud Ice? Come on, now. Schmidt’s punishment for wielding the machete, actually, should be that he must drink the entire case.

The Daily Memo - 2/18/08

check.jpgA class action lawsuit on behalf of Rams fans because the Patriots are cheaters? Well, as much as I hate the Pats, I still have to hate stupid lawsuits more. (Deadspin)

check.jpgDecades after breaking up the Beatles, Yoko Ono is up to her old tricks again, trying to ruin the musical career of another Lennon. (LA IP Trademark Attorney Blog)

check.jpgSure, I’d love to see Larry Lessig run for Congress. Although, as we learned last week, the role of “best Congressman ever” has already been filled. (Download Squad)

check.jpgTo opinion or not to opinion, what’s the Bashman’s opinion? (Law.com)

check.jpg“$6.5 million to driver not wearing seatbelt.” See people, it does pay to be an idiot. (Overlawyered)

check.jpgThe Naked Cowboy, he hates those M&Ms. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgA California bill would require public schools to teach about climate change. (Mercury News)

check.jpgThe DOJ would like the Supremes to put the kibosh on a lawsuit against a bunch of companies which helped support apartheid by doing business with South Africa. (Law.com)

“Oh, we’re supposed to try to stop that sorta thing? Our bad.”

utah.jpgCarol Kline used to work for a state agency in Utah, until she was fired in 2005 after seven years of service. Kline has now filed a federal lawsuit against the agency, claiming that she was fired because of three complaints she made between 1999 and 2003 regarding discrimination and harassment, complaints which were upheld by the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

The irony here is that the agency she worked for was Utah’s Antidiscrimination and Labor division.

“Devil’s Den.” …tee-hee

hell.jpgThis little Valentine’s story from last week has nothing to do with the law whatsoever. But the link was sent to me by a lawyer/reader of the site (who kindly requested that no hat tip or flowers be given to him, so no hat tip shall he get). And it also makes me think I definitely chose right when I thought about maybe going to med school over law school.

But what, god damn it, is the story about, you ask.

Let’s just say there are six lessons at the end of the story, number three of which is “Porcelain is a very porous stone and will absorb and retain every vile odor known.”

…Happy Valentine’s Day indeed.

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I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T!

smrt.jpgWith a hattip to friend of the site Coffee from a Cardboard Cup I found an interesting op-ed in Sunday’s Washington Post. Called “The Dumbing of America,” it’s about, well, the dumbing of America. Author Susan Jacoby talks about how anti-intellectualism, anti-rationalism and low expectations are damaging the fuck out of our country.

To the extent QuizLaw has a fanbase (and this is absolutely true for the much larger fanbase of sister site Pajiba), I think it largely comes from what feels like a growing minority in this country — people who aren’t afraid of their own intellect, despite the “snob” and “elitist” tags that get thrown their way by a growing number of the dumb and intellectually ignorant. I won’t try to speak for anyone else, but despite the often elitist comments I make both here and on Pajiba, I don’t generally think that I’m better than folks (except for most of Florida, naturally) simply because I may be more aware and curious about “smart” things. After all, I know that there are plenty of people who would rightly recognize that the extent of my knowledge on most subjects is of a very base level, and I would hope they’d refrain from pointing their nose down at me for not digging deeper. Similarly, I don’t honestly point my nose down at most of the general public which has become complacent in its ignorance.

Anyway, I don’t necessarily agree with everything Jacoby says — for instance, I don’t know that the shrinking public attention span is a problem, per se, it simply means folks need to be engaged in a new way — but the article is well worth the time for those who like to think about things. But if you’d rather catch up on some celebrity gossip, I’d totally understand.

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Sometimes there are no words…

…other than “what the hell, it’s Friday.”

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That’s-a spicy meatball!

spicy.jpgThat Justica Alito, he-a no likka “Da Sopranos.” He-a say the show spread-a stereotypes about Eye-talians.

Whas he-a talkinabout?

“Da Sopranos” … that’s-a spicy TV show.

But-a this, I get — Alito say “Da Sopranos” make-a folks think all Eye-talians are from-a Jersey. And that’s-a not a spicy state.

…A tip-a da fedora to Above-a the Law. That David Lat, he’s-a spicy blawger!

C … O … N … G … R … E … S … S … CONGRESS!

dawkins.jpgEarlier this week, in my other blogosphere role, I went on a little bit of a rant about the Eagles chant. Well it seems that Representative Patrick Murphy is one Congressman who doesn’t probably need to be told about the chant.

On Wednesday, the House considered a resolution to congratulate the (god damned) New York Giants on winning the Super Bowl. The resolution called their accomplishment “one of the most remarkable postseason runs in professional sports history.” And these type of resolutions congratulating world championship teams usually pass unanimously — for instance, that’s what happened with the recent Senate resolution sucking the NY Giant’s big blue cock.

But this House resolution? No unanimous. It passed, sure. But with a 412-to-1 vote.

The one “no” vote came from Representative Murphy, who said:

As a former 700-level security guard [at the sorely missed pit that was Veteran’s Stadium] and lifelong Eagles fan, I couldn’t, in good conscience, vote for the New York Giants. The only thing worse would have been a resolution honoring the Dallas Cowboys.

A-fucking-men, Congressman. Ladies and gentlemen, Representative Patrick Murphy — truly the best Congressman ever.

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The Daily Memo - 2/15/08

check.jpg“Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about delegates and superdelegates.” (The Huffington Post)

check.jpgYeah, legislation to “allow for police to withhold misconduct reports the public,” that’s a brilliant fucking idea. (KUTV)

check.jpg“Unfair competition triggers advertising injury coverage.” (43(B)log)

check.jpgThe NFL would like that ruling that Michael Vick gets to keep his $16.5 million overturned, thank you very much. (SI)

check.jpgSome folks aren’t happy with Comcast’s recent filing in relation to the FCC’s challenge to the Cable company’s P2P shenanigans. (ars technica)

You’re out your damn mind


Above the Law asks.

“Should lawyers date lawyers?”

QuizLaw answers.


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Yeah, but isn’t everyone in rural Wisconsin always drunk? So of course they’re all drunk driving!

wisconsin.jpgSometimes, listening to your drunk boyfriend will get you nothing but trouble:

A rural Fox Lake woman early Sunday was able to give a detailed description of a suspected drunken driver and the suspect ‘s vehicle to a Dodge County sheriff ‘s dispatcher.
That ‘s because the woman was calling from that vehicle — a tan 2002 pickup truck — and she was driving it, Dodge County Sheriff Todd Nehls said.
The woman ‘s boyfriend in the passenger seat suggested she call 911 to report her own drunken driving, so she did, Nehls said. The boyfriend was not driving, she said, because he was too drunk.
The call came in at 12:29 a.m. Sunday on the county 911 line as a hang-up call from a cell phone, Nehls said.
Dispatchers used a reverse 911 directory and called the phone, which was answered by a woman who identified herself as Patricia Dykstra, 51. She said her boyfriend made her call, because “somebody seems to think I can ‘t drive home straight.”
When the dispatcher asked her why, she said, “He seems to think I ‘m too intoxicated to drive.”
During a relatively pleasant conversation with the dispatcher — a recording of which Nehls released Monday — Dykstra gave her name, location and vehicle description before saying she should probably hang up because “I don ‘t like being on the phone while driving.”
Asked by the dispatcher if she had too much to drink, she said “I don ‘t think so, ma ‘am.”
She said she was almost home and gave the intersection. Throughout the 3 -minute call, however, the dispatcher did not suggest the woman pull over. Nehls said the dispatcher assumed the woman had already stopped, although her last advice to Dykstra was, “So Pat, drive carefully, OK? “
Deputies went to her home, where Dykstra met them on the porch, Nehls said. She had consumed a six-pack of beer, she said, and her boyfriend a 12-pack. She was ticketed for drunken driving, her first offense.

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zombies.jpgGod bless this Reuters headline: “Man struggles to return from the dead.”

Seems a man who drowned last August was wrongly identified by Polish police as a perfectly alive 38-year-old. Piotr Kucy showed up at “his funeral” and has since tried to get the government to change his official status from “dead” to “not dead,” with little luck. But the article points out an interesting plus to this whole thing — he doesn’t currently have to pay taxes. In fact, a government registry official has put it quite bluntly: “This citizen does not exist.”

Dipshit Much?

douche1.jpgI’d like to welcome Benjamin Straight, a 2L at the University of Florida, into the blogging world. Benjamin has started a blog entitled, “Big Daddy Thunder,” and though he’s only written two posts so far, I can already tell that this guy is going places. Probably the clink for domestic violence assault. But, whatevs! He totally nails the female law school personae in his post, “I am a law school girl.” Here’s a taste:

I am a law school girl (snatch, gunch, clam, whisker biscuit — pick your subject synonym).
In the end, I am only really here to catch a good dickin’, or hot beef injection. You see, my biological destiny is to whelp out a few puppies and use them as excuses as to why I never made it in the legal world. The law world is a man’s world, and I will continue to remind people in class discussions that women make 75 cents on the dollar that a man makes, even though the areas of law I am concentrated in (Family, Pro Bono) are the lowest paying. And I will leave the workforce to shit out a few kids, feel my calling as a mother, stay out of work for 5 years, and then expect to come back as if I had never left (especially after my husband is sick of not getting blow jobs and trades me in for a newer and less-broken model). I figure that any guy that throws me a dick here will at least be on the hook for child support and will make enough money, by default, to pay me a modest monthly salary for purposely skipping my birth control the night he spent 200 bucks on me at the bar and then took me home. But I got Cosmos out of it, and Miranda and Charlotte love their Cosmos while out on socialite scene of 13th Ave.

Benjamin: You are a classy fella. You know what’s gonna be awesome? When you return to school, and those “law school girls” in your class beat the ever living fuck out of you. I bet Crim Law is gonna be tense tomorrow. And you know what’s great about it? They’re law students, so dollars to donuts, they know how to kill you and get away with it.

(H/T Jezebel)

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This Man Has Clearly Never Seen a Black Baby

BLACK%2BBABY%2BGIRL.jpgA Utah State Senator apparently believes that only babies from his master race are cute.

Republican Sen. Chris Buttars compared Senate Bill 48, which addresses equalizing school construction funds, to a black baby, calling it “a dark, ugly thing.”

Oh, but don’t worry. He “felt bad” afterwards, though there is no indication as to whether he “felt bad” for being a racist prick, or if he “felt bad” because other people now know he’s a racist prick.

Well, at least he didn’t call the black baby a slut.

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The Daily Memo - 2/14/08

check.jpgDildos in the headline of a blawg entry. Need I have more excuse to throw a link Lat’s way? (Above the Law)

check.jpgA Charleston, West Virginia radio station is celebrating Valentine’s Day by offering to give some lucky romantic listener a divorce, lawyer, money and hassle free. (FindLaw)

check.jpgWe scored an 8.8, which is pretty nice. But as a Jew, I don’t like folks throwing “88” my way, I gotta say. My tribe is sensitive like that. (Blogged.com)

check.jpgCome on! Everyone knows a lawyer worth half his/her salt would do a helluva lot more than spit in it! (Legal Antics)

check.jpgWhat’s the latest in the legal mess caused by the death of Captain America? Glad you asked, nerd. Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd. (WT&E Prof Blog)

check.jpgSay the Scalia: “Hey, some folks just need a good bitch slap, know what I’m saying?” (WSJ Law Blog)

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Oh yeah? Well. We. Can. Better.

Whatever with Obama and his Yes.We.Can. nonsense. This right here is the real video of the election. And if you can make it past the 55-second mark, you’re a better man than I. Even if you’re a woman.

Hat tip to friend of our sister site Beckyloo, who’s seen the error of her stumping-for-Obama ways, over at If a TV Falls in the Woods.

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Again, so soon?

busch.jpgIt was only a mere matter of weeks ago that I told you the asshat who got in a bad car accident, with all appearances that his beer was safely buckled up while he was not. Well now comes a story from Florida (naturally) where Tina Williams decided to take this story to its next horrible level.

On Super Bowl Sunday, Williams was busted for alleged drunk driving, and while her case of beer was carefully strapped up behind a seat belt, her one-year-old daughter was free ranging in the back seat.

I don’t know what’s more appalling about this story, that Williams is just an absolutely terrible mother, or that the beer in question was Busch.

Well you kinda have to be blind to eat at Taco Bell — I mean, have you actually seen the shit they slop into taco shell?

taco-bell.jpgA federal appeals court has suggested that the Americans with Disabilities Act just might require fastfood workers to be polite to the disabled. Last week, a federal court in NY overruled a lower ruling, saying that Alice Camarillo could sue various chains under the ADA. Camarillo, who’s legally blind, is suing Burger King, McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Wendy’s, among others, because employees made fun of her when she asked for help reading the menu. Said the appeals court:

While restaurants are not necessarily required to have on hand large print menus that Camarillo would be able to read, they are required to ensure that their menu options are effectively communicated to individuals who, like Camarillo, are legally blind.

Seems reasonable enough. I mean, the poor lady is already dealing with the one-two punch of being legally blind and eating crappy fast-food. She doesn’t also need to be mocked for the whole thing.

Barack Obama - Traffic Scofflaw!

barack-obama2.jpgDid you know that while he was living in Somerville (Somerville, represent!) and attending Harvard Law School, Barack racked up a strong 17 traffic violations, including seven in an eight-day stretch? And better yet, while this was from 1988 through 1991, he didn’t actually pay those violations until last year, almost two decades later.

My high-school buddy Dave Hoffman asks the valid question of “how did Obama pass his character and fitness evaluation,” when folks always say that past-due tickets are one of the big things that the Bar focuses on. Because if you didn’t pay a parking ticket when you were in college, you might not have the high moral fiber so many lawyers proudly share with the public each and every day.

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Because We Here at QuizLaw Love Our Readers …

… here’s 46 seconds of your life you’ll never get back. You’re welcome!

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Further Misadventures of Awesome Cops

Two days ago, we featured a video of a drunk woman getting groped and photographed by police officers; yesterday, we featured a douchebag cop (now suspended) berating a 14-year-old skateboarder; and today, we bring you video evidence of a cop helping a quadriplegic out of his wheelchair. By tipping it over.

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Live Free or Starve Slowly and Whither Away to Death

Betty%20Hall%20United%20Way.jpgBetty Hall, an 87-year-old, 14-term New Hampshire State Representative, has not only introduced a resolution to the state house to impeach Bush and Cheney (who knew state legislature’s had such power?), but she apparently refuses to eat again until impeachment proceedings begin.

“I’ve had a good life. I can’t think of any better way to end it.”

Considering that starvation often results in anemia, beriberi, pellagra, and scurvy, which may then may cause diarrhea, skin rashes, edema, and heart failure, as well as irritability and lethargy, I reckon I can think of quite a few ways to better end one’s life, starting with diabetes shock brought upon by cake. Chocolate cake. With vanilla frosting. And ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s cinnamon bun ice cream. Goddamn, that’s good.

You hear me, Betty. Pick up a goddamn fork, lady.

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Lesbians = Animal Pornographers?

faithnomore.jpgI can’t decide if this story suggests that Sweden is a progressive country or a backwards one.

The court confirmed an earlier district court ruling in favor of a lesbian who had sought damages from a kennel owner who refused to sell her a puppy because of her sexual preference.
The kennel owner must now pay the woman 20,000 kronor ($3,000) in damages for subjecting her to discrimination and harassment.
The incident began when the woman called the kennel, based in the Stockholm suburb of Värmdö, to inquire about an advertisement for a puppy.
But when the kennel owner learned that the woman’s partner was also a woman, she put a stop to the sale.
In her explanation for denying the woman her puppy, the kennel owner made reference to earlier contacts she’d had with transvestite couples, saying she’d read that transvestites are connected to animal pornography.

On the one hand, the American legal system has very few laws prohibiting sexual orientation discrimination, but on the other hand, most Americans (I hope, but I’m sure I’m wrong) don’t conflate lesbians with animal pornography, do they (save for Rick Santorum, of course)?

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The Daily Memo - 2/13/08

check.jpgPhooey! A current California state bill would allow the cops to start putting up speed cameras. My lead foot is already crying at the thought of all the tickets coming my way. (LAist)

check.jpgWho do I have to blow for a bonus like this? Transmeta Corp. has been sued over the fact that it gave it’s in-house general counsel a $10 million bonus. (Law.com)

check.jpgOh, nevermind, it’s “not that kind of penal law.” (Legal Antics)

check.jpgIf it talks about a human orifice well, yeah, it might just be the “best law review article sentence ever.” (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgA $431 million patent verdict? Man, fuck the GC bonus — who do I need to blow for this kinda cash? Hell, I might even go bottom for half-a-billion. (WSJ Law Blog)

The Fourth Estate Just Evicted an Upstanding Member

bwbroadwaychezh.jpgChez Pazienza, a friend of the site and occasional contributor on our sister site, Pajiba, was fired today as a senior producer on CNN’s “American Morning.” Why? For blogging, of course. He was dumped unceremoniously, with no severance, for writing about his (mostly distasteful) opinions on the media on his blog Deus Ex Malcontent. Nevermind that he worked under a pseudonym, and nevermind that he never actually mentioned his employer’s name: CNN has a policy in place, damnit. And that policy is to squelch unsanctioned speech.

Pazienza’s blog actually rose to prominence a couple of years ago thanks to his brilliant post, “2006: The Year of the Douchebag.” Well, I suppose we know who will be crowned 2008’s Douchebag of the Year.

Way to go, CNN.

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“The Wire” is right — it’s just impossible to get good po-lice work done anymore

bunk-mcnulty.jpgYou know, this is ridiculous. Throughout our country, the police are vastly underpaid and largely overworked. And yet, they’re still able to put some good cases together now and again. But what do they get for their ingenuity and initiative. Judicial declarations that they’re being “outrageous,” with perfectly good criminal cases thrown out. Bullocks!

But that’s just what happened in Jersey, where a case against a woman allegedly running a prostitution ring out of her spa has been tossed out of court. Turns out that the cops paid an informant $180, plus expenses, to go to the spa four times in the summer of ‘06 to buy himself some sex. Sounds like a win-win for the informant, as he got paid, got his dick wet, and got to be a good citizen. But Judge Robert L. Steinberg sees it otherwise:

We conclude that the decision to send the citizen into Shiatsu Spa on four occasions for a smorgasbord of sexual activity violates the principles of fundamental fairness. Neither the prostitution activity inside the Shiatsu Spa nor the police decision-making is to be condoned.

…If I ever start a band, I’m totally calling it Smorgasbord of Sexual Activity.

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Lawsuit Day, Part 2!


Earlier, I gave you Lawsuit Day, Part 1! Well, we’ve got two lawsuits to cover in Part 2. Turns out that Defamer reported on many of these same lawsuits, and even dubbed yesterday “Everybody’s Suing Everybody Day.”

…Damn it. That’s totally a better name than “Lawsuit Day.” Balls.

Anyway, another lawsuit Defamer reported on was Nic Cage v. Kathleen Turner. Seems that Turner has an autobiography coming up and Cage is pissed that she tarnishes his sterling reputation in it. So he’s sued her for defamation, libel and slander over in the U.K., denying her claims that he’s a drunk dog-snatcher. Interestingly, his lawsuit doesn’t deny the fact that he’s a shitty overactor in 98% of his films. Maybe because that’s my take on him, not Turner’s, but still.

And lastly, going back to the movies, again, Mel Gibson is being sued over The Passion of the Christ. Benedict Fitzgerald (really? there are still people with the name Benedict?) claims that he wrote a movie about the crucifixion of the Christ for Mel, and that Mel said it would be a little-bitty movie. Of course, Mel made a bit more than $1 per lashing, and Fitzgerald wants his piece. Which begs the question, who would Jesus sue?

…Yeah, I agree. He’d totally sue Mel Gibson.

Lawsuit Day, Part 1!

lawsuit.jpgMan, there were so many stories about lawsuits yesterday that it was like a friggin holiday, I’ll tell you what.

First, I read a story about 20th Century Fox suing Warner Brothers over the upcoming Watchmen flick. Seems 20th Century owned the movie rights from 1986 through 1990. Things got a bit complicated after that, but Fox says it still owns the rights, thank you kindly Mr. Warner Brothers, and one imagines Warners is going to have to pay a pretty penny to get rid of this pesky lawsuit before the flick’s slated March 6, 2009 movie. Otherwise, the answer to “who watches the Watchmen” might be “nobody.”

(See what I did right there, with that? That’s why I pay myself nothing to write these stupid entries. And I’m worth every last damn penny!)

Meanwhile, a DC lady has sued Best Buy for a hefty $54 million. Seems that she took her laptop to a local store in ‘06 to have some work done under her extended warranty. And while she was away on a business trip, wouldn’t you know it if the store lost her ‘puter. After some fussing and feuding, Best Buy offered her a $900 gift card. She said, “thanks but no thanks,” and filed a lawsuit. Best Buy then offered her $2,100 plus a $500 gift card but, hell, she’s got a lawsuit for $54 million now, and that’ll buy a whole heckuva lot of laptops, so she’s going to stick with the lawsuit. The guys at Engadget summed it up thusly:

Campbell says she’s not dropping the case until she finds out what happened to her machine — and she wants ol’ Blue to train its employees on privacy issues and revamp its warranty policy. Honestly? We’d say she has a better chance of getting the $54 million.

In more movie lawsuit news, the estate of J.R.R. Tolkein, who wrote a little book trilogy called “The Lord of the Rings,” has sued New Line Cinema over the movie trilogy. The estate says it hasn’t been paid cent one yet of the 7.5 percent of the films’ gross revenue due to it, despite the movies grossing about $6 billion (with a B) worldwide. All they’ve allegedly gotten is a measly $62,500 upfront payment, which is just a touch less than 7.5% of $6 billion. If the estate gets the $150+ million it’s seeking, I think it should use some of that cash to build a real shire, you know?

Ok, I’ll have two more lawsuits for you in a bit. Gotta’ get some real work done for a change.

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No fatties allowed

the-bride-grab.jpgFrom Australia comes this great bit about the latest crazy bride trend:

Some brides want bridesmaids to sign contracts promising not to put on weight or get pregnant before the big day, a survey has found.
More than one in five women planning weddings would ask their maid-of-honour to sign a written bridal “pre-nuptial agreement”.
Almost half of those questioned said they would sack a bridesmaid who broke the contract.
The survey, commissioned by the UK magazine You & Your Wedding asked 1000 women what clauses they sought in a contract.

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Stop Calling Me Dude!

One of QuizLaw’s illustrious readers, Diablo, pointed us toward a Baltimore cop who clearly doesn’t know how to deal with children. Dude: Step off, motherfucker. Power-trip much? He’s freakin’ 14-years-old? Maybe you could use your non-douchebag voice, huh?

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Kierkegaard in ‘08

I am officially withdrawing my support for Barack Obama in 2008, and endorsing Kierkegaard. He’s the only candidate that supports an “attainable objective morality.”

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A QuizLaw Retrospective: John McCain

mccaincaptor.jpgIn our hard-hitting, continuing coverage of Election ‘08, we look back today to 1998 and unearth this bon mot from John McCain:

“Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.”

Funny? Or tasteless? And while we’re on the subject of McCain, how about this quote, from 2000?

“I hated the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live.”

As a prisoner of war for over five years, does McCain have the right to refer to his Vietnamese captors as “gooks”?


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The Daily Memo - 2/12/08

check.jpgBlawg Review #146 learns us that February 11th is National Inventor’s Day. Who knew? (The Invent Blog)

check.jpgBack in ‘98, John McCain apparently tried to bring the funny at Chelsea Clinton’s expense. All class, that guy. (Crooks and Liars)

check.jpgA former cop in Ohio admits that he elbowed his pregnant lover in the throat but no, he did not kill her, because hitting a woman is just hitting a woman, you know? (FindLaw)

check.jpgIf there’s some admiralty law in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now. (Is That Legal?)

check.jpgThree armed robbers jacked $163 million of art from a Zurich museum, snagging a Cezanna, Degas, van Gogh and Monet. (FindLaw)

check.jpgThe writing in law reviews is atrocious? Well when the articles are so bloody interesting, who cares? (WSJ Law Blog)

Yes I’m still bitter the Giants won the Super Bowl, damn it!

eli-manning.jpgIn Richmond, Virginia, state legislators have little to do with their time. So Senator Patricia Ticer has introduced a bill that would remove all statutory references to the terms “mentally retarded” and “mental retardation,” instead replacing them with the oh-so-friendly and feel-good “intellectually disabled” and “intellectual disability.”

Are you fucking kidding me? How is “intellectually disabled” that much better than “mentally retarded?” Now if you really want to put a positive word-spin on things, how about replacing “mentally retarded” with “Eli Manning?” Then, you’re not only equating the intellectually disabled with a (god damned) Super Bowl MVP, but you’re showing them just how handi-capable even the dimmest of bulbs can be.

This is the biggest bunch of bullshit ever

bacon-wrapped-hot-dog.jpgIn LA, it’s currently illegal for cabs to stop and pick folks up in places other than designated areas, cab stands and loading areas and the like. It’s ridiculous — when I left court last week, I had to walk five blocks to get a friggin cab, instead of being able to hail one of the dozen empty cabs that zoomed past me during that time (serves me right for not just driving, like every other Angelino). But whatever with that.

The real travesty in my city is that bacon-wrapped hot dogs are illegal. Food carts and trucks aren’t allowed to sell meat other than hot dogs (which we all know aren’t really meat), and even then, they can only boil or steam the dogs. No grilling. And you have to grill to make bacon-wrapped hot dogs.

This is ridiculous. Now, I’ve never had a bacon-wrapped hot dog, but I want to live in a world where I know I can go to a food cart and get one if I’m so inclined, damn it. More importantly, in college, I fucking lived on the wondrous food trucks on campus. Cheese steaks, Indian, Chinese, burgers — honest to Jeebus, it was some of the best food in the city. Was it dirty and unclean? Probably. But when shit’s that good, who cares? So I’m imploring you, Los Angeles, lighten the fuck up and let the food trucks bring the grills and meat!

(Hat tip to Overlawyered)

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This has me thinking — maybe it’s Danny Devito who’s really supposed to be the California Governor

twins.jpgFrom my fine home-city of Philadelphia comes a wonderful tale of brotherly love:

A traffic judge apologized to a man who was hounded for 17 years by officials trying to get his similarly named twin brother to resolve $1,800 in unpaid tickets and fines.
The problems all started for 40-year-old Edward Stanley Harris between October 1990 and May 1991. During that period, his twin brother, Edwin Shelby Harris, received eight tickets for moving violations.
Edwin Harris pleaded guilty in traffic court in September 1991 and was ordered to pay $1,501. But Edwin Harris never paid. He hit hard times, drifted south and lost touch with his brother.
In the fall of 1992, the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation gave Edward Harris a painful reminder of his twin: The agency, confusing him with his brother, told him his license would be suspended for nonpayment of tickets.
Eventually, PennDOT got things cleared up and withdrew the suspension threat. But Edward Harris’ fight against bureaucracy was only just beginning.
Every year or so, between November 1992 and June 2007, PennDOT would rediscover Edwin Harris’ unpaid tickets and threaten to suspend his twin’s license. Each time, Edward Harris would return to traffic court, and the suspension threat would get lifted.
The cycle dragged on until November, when Judge Willie Adams refused to look at the paperwork that showed Edward Harris was innocent, then told him to start paying the tickets or go to jail. That led him to take his story to the Philadelphia Daily News.
After a column Monday, a different traffic judge, Bernice DeAngelis, caught wind of the story. She apologized and said the court would give Edward Harris a refund.
“I’d like the chance to look him in the eye and apologize, from the bottom of my heart,” DeAngelis told the newspaper for a story Thursday. “I see what we do in this court as a sacred trust. That might sound corny, but I truly believe it. I’m sorry for everything he had to go through.”

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Police Take Advantage of Drunk Girl

There were no criminal charges filed, of course, because groping a drunk woman in a police station is perfectly legal.


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I’m a Bandwagon Poseur!

abc_barack_clinton_070425_ms.jpgI want to thank JMW for taking the bait and responding to my challenge last week to address Barack Obama’s perceived weaknesses — that his soaring rhetoric lacks policy substance. I encourage those still on the Hillary/Obama fence to check out the entire post, but here’s a taste:

Sometimes elections — if they’re between candidates who aren’t radically opposed — really aren’t about policy. I especially feel this way about someone like Clinton, who has yet to tell me there’s a single tough decision to be made about her dream plans, as if they will be smoothly enacted on her favorite day, “day one.” Sometimes elections should be about vaguer notions — this country’s built on a few of them, and their vagueness doesn’t mitigate their power. We’re looking for someone to lead us, after all. If Hillary Clinton’s grim view of political trench warfare was the only good option for Democrats this year, I could understand her being nominated, though I wouldn’t vote for her. But with Obama available as an option — someone with similar positions and a broad, bipartisan base of good will directed at him — I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’m not saying that as an apostle, I swear to Obama.

After he posted it, I posited a theory: Maybe some folks (like myself) have been somewhat reluctant to jump on the Obama bandwagon because, like anything else with that amount of hype surrounding it, the contrarian in all of us doesn’t want to be a part of the screeching masses. But you know: Fuck it. I’m gonna be another of the faceless millions throwing their bras at Obama. And if that makes me a bandwagon poseur, then at least I’ll be a bandwagon poseur supporting the best candidate.

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Lost in Translation?


H/T to the Manhattan Offender, via Gawker.

The Daily Memo - 2/11/08

check.jpgThe Oregon Supremes thumb their noses at the real Supremes, reinstating the whole $75.9 million punitive damages award against Philip Morris, an award the Supremes overturned last year. (Law.com

check.jpgBut your honor, it is total bullshit! (Legal Antics)

check.jpgTwo civil liberties groups are taking it to the Department of Homeland Security over excessive searches/screenings of folks’ laptops and cellphones, with agents snooping through people’s data. (Nota Bene)

check.jpgHmmmm … I’m suddenly finding the new voice of the WSJ Law Blog to be a dubious one indeed, what with him declaring that ABC’s latest turd, “Eli Stone,” is “a feel-good romp.” (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgNote to self — don’t drive past police barricades with a gun and drugs in plain sight. (KOMO-TV)

check.jpgShit. The Ninth Circuit is moving to e-filing, which I’ve found to largely be a disaster down in the Central District, so far. (Nota Bene)

check.jpgNow smokers are being sued by their neighbors. (Overlawyered)

check.jpgJesus — a homeowner pulled a shotgun on a Dish Network repairman “and threatened to kill him if he didn’t fix the TV.” (Consumerist)

ZERO Tolerance, Motherf*ckers!!!!

brown20702_228x279.jpgThe people of Dubai can rest easy knowing that the eternal vigilance at their airport has once again brought down a drug smuggler and criminal mastermind.

A father-of-three who was found with a microscopic speck of cannabis stuck to the bottom of one of his shoes has been sentenced to four years in a Dubai prison.
Keith Brown, a council youth development officer, was travelling through the United Arab Emirates on his way back to England when he was stopped as he walked through Dubai’s main airport.
A search by customs officials uncovered a speck of cannabis weighing just 0.003g - so small it would be invisible to the naked eye and weighing less than a grain of sugar - on the tread of one of his shoes.
Dubai International Airport is a major hub for the Middle East and thousands of Britons pass through it every year to holiday in the glamorous beach and shopping haven.
But many of those tourists and business travellers are likely to be unaware of the strict zero-tolerance drugs policy in the UAE.

How dare he have a speck of an illegal substance on his shoes. This is how they do it, people. One tedious milligram at a time. That shit adds up.

Frankly, the mandatory four-year sentence is too damn light for this ruffian. See this, America? This is how a freaking war on drugs should be run.

Ugh. The sight of this scum disgusts me.

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It’s like a nightmare come to life

hail-bush.jpgThe CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference, is a GOP stronghold, and Bush was there last Friday, ostensibly stumping for McCain, without actually saying his name. And when Bush walked onto the stage, it was not only to raucous applause, but to chants of: “Four more years! Four more years!”

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with these fucking people?

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Does IRAC apply to love?

lawyers-in-love.jpgYes, in general, men in love can become idiots. Happens to the best of us. But when you mix sex and love and sexual shenanigans into the world of law school, shit goes to new levels of idiocy. If you ever meet Dustin or I in person, we’ll have a beer with you and throw some stories from our own experiences in law school that’ll make you just shake your head and cry for the future of this country (or just wait until the movie, which will be coming one day not-very-soon to a theater near you).

The latest example of this comes from Above the Law, where a former law student at UT ratted out a buddy of his by sharing an e-mail said buddy sent to his gal pal. It’s a full-blown memo, with the issue at hand being whether their relationship “should be terminated?” You can read the memo/e-mail for yourself, although you should be warned — it’s long, and ridiculous.

I know we’ve got a few law student readers here in these parts — any fun stories to share?

Political wonking

hillary2.jpgI eat lunch with the same group of folks at work almost every day, and without fail, the conversation turns to politics at some point during every lunch conversation, which has two amusing results. First, one of the people immediately tunes out from the conversation, as she is simply not all that interested in political wonking. Second, I find myself in a rare situation, being the sole liberal voice in a room full of conservatives (it should come as little surprise that the vast majority of BigLaw lawyers are Republicans, because high salaries mean that the “typical” liberal tax raises hit them/us harder). In any event, one thing we often talk about is how the Democrat side of things is going to shake out. And we’re all generally in agreement that it will almost certainly be undecided before the DNC Convention this summer, which leads most of us to the conclusion that Hillary will win, even if Barack’s populist appeal increases two-fold between now and then.

And The Wall Street Journal has now highlighted the number one reason why this will be the case — it’s because of the friggin’ superdelegates — the 796 Governors, Senators and Representatives, and other Democratic big whigs — who each have as much power as the “normal” state delegates. With Barack and Hillary each unlikely to have the requisite delegate vote before accounting for the superdelegates, it’ll be these party insiders who will likely wind up deciding things and as a UVA political scientist puts it: “To the public, that looks like a throwback to the old, corrupt system of smoke-filled rooms.”

If this is indeed how it all shakes out, Hillary almost assuredly wins, because the Clintons are just more plugged into the machine. Almost half of the superdelegates have already made announcements of who they support, and while they could certainly change sides, that support is almost two-to-one in favor of Hillary. Now I’m of two minds here. On the one hand, I’m a Barack supporter (although I agree that the concerns Dustin talked about last week are valid, to an extent), so I’d rather see him get the nomination over Hillary. On the other hand, if this is how shit goes down, maybe it’ll get enough people up-in-arms that we’ll finally see a change to this whole stupid system. Delegates, electoral college, it’s all so fucking antiquated and archaic. Fuck campaign finance reform — I think the number one election-related agenda should be fixing the god damn backbone of the system.

Of course, I’m an idiot if I think things will ever really change, but according to the spin, “change” is what this election is really all about, right?

(As an aside, again at The Wall Street Journal, Peggy Noonan has an interesting commentary on whether Hillary even knows how to lose.)

Those astronomers … nothing but trouble

lex-luthor.jpgDown in the Florida Keys, the local authorities are on the hunt for a stolen space rock. Seems there was an amateur astronomer gathering earlier this week, and by the next morning, a green-brown meteorite worth ten grand was missing.

First of all, that’s what they get for letting amateur astronomers hang around the rock. If it’d been real astronomers, this never would’ve happened. I’ve worked with real astronomers. Friends of mine are real astronomers. And frankly, real astronomers wouldn’t know how to steal something if it was put in their pocket and they were escorted out. They’re way too busy living in their own little world to think about such shenanigans, even taking into account that it’s a space rock.

But more importantly, let’s think this through. A greenish rock from space with crystals.

Uhm, hello Monroe County Sheriff’s Office. Clearly you need to be talking to Lex Luthor!

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Sincerely Yours, The Breakfast Club.


Congressional Representative Larry Liston, (R-Colorado) bitched on Wednesday that society not only condones premarital sex, but that there’s no longer a sense of shame in unmarried teens having children.

“In my parents’ day and age, they were sent away, they were shunned, they were called what they are. There was at least a sense of shame,” Liston said of unmarried teen parents. “There’s no sense of shame today. Society condones it… . I think it’s wrong. They’re sluts.

After thoroughly denigrating high-school sluts, Larry Liston plans next to create public policy legislation aimed at loners, stoners, princesses, cheerleaders, geeks, jocks and dweebs.

Real mature, Larry. Real mature.

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The Daily Memo - 2/8/08

check.jpgHere’s a quite interesting take on how Obama works with other law professor types and how he might go about picking judges (and Hillary’s talked of a little, too). (Slate)

check.jpgAnd what of McCain and his judicial picks? Seems that Alito isn’t so neato. (Slate)

check.jpgAmerica’s Next Top Law Review? Hell, it’d be better than “ANTM” simply by not having the mighty forehead, Tyra Banks, on it. (Above the Law)

check.jpgA California appeals court says that an anonymous internet poster doesn’t need to tell folks who he is. (Nota Bene)

check.jpgWell look — BigLaw lawyers don’t charge enough to work extra hard at ensuring they don’t break the attorney-client privilege. Let’s be fucking reasonable people. (Overlawyered)

check.jpgBoston scumbum lawyers have been disbarred over their attempt to get dirt on a judge by scamming the judge’s law clerk. (WSJ Law Blog)

Tacky Headline of the Day


… from the Sun Online. *groan*

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The Real Quote of the Campaign

mitt-romney.jpgEarlier this week, Dustin proclaimed that Mitt Romney was responsible for the quote of the campaign. Well he was right, he just spoke too soon. Look at the shit that spewed out of Romney’s mouth yesterday, when he announced that he was suspending his campaign:

If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.

So consider yourselves all warned — a vote for Hillary or Barack in November is a vote for surrendering to terror.

Fuck you Mitt. Fuck you long, fuck you hard, fuck you with the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith, Jr.’s golden plates.

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henny-penny.jpg“The economy is failing. Recession. Recession I say!!!”

Calm down, Chicken Little. Things may have been looking a little rough there for a while, but you don’t need to go around throwing that nasty *whisper* r *whisper* word anymore. No-siree-bob. Because Congress is here to fix all our economic woes!

That’s right - economic stimulus is on the horizon, as the House and Senate both passed a bill that’ll send a $600 rebate to everyone who makes less than $75,000 a year (and couples making less than $150K will get $1200), plus $300 for each kid. Now I don’t mean to scoff — six hundred bucks is certainly better than no bucks. But is it really going to fix the troubles of our economy?

Nancy Pelosi says this is putting money “into the hands of those who will spend it immediately, injecting demand into the economy and therefore creating jobs.” Oooooooh, alrighty then.

…If anyone needs me, I’ll be over in the corner with Henny Penny and Cocky Locky.

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Department of F$#%ing Awesome

I have no words, except to say that videos like this one are the reason why QuizLaw exists.

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Crush on Obama Does Not Extend to Actual Vote

obama-girl.jpgOh, Obama Girl.

“I didn’t get a chance to vote today because I’m not registered to vote in New York,” she said.
So where is Obama Girl registered to vote?
“New Jersey.”
Um, but didn’t New Jersey also hold a primary?
True. The problem, she explained, was that she was sick in New York City and was unable to get back across the Hudson River to the polls in Jersey City.

Of course, she wasn’t too sick to attend a party that night or roam the streets of NYC the day before to conduct interviews. So disheartening — you put your faith in someone wearing short shorts and a belly-exposing mid-riff, and she lets you down every time.

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I’m already placing an order for some new business cards

loophole.jpgOver in England, “celebrity lawyer” Nick Freeman has trademarked his nickname.

Wait … celebrity lawyer. *quick Google search commences* Well, looking at his Wikipedia page, I recognize a few names (Sir Alex Ferguson, Becks and Wayne Rooney), so ok, whatever.

Anyway, the British tabloids apparently dubbed Freeman, who is famed for getting celebs out of various driving convictions, “Mr. Loophole.” And now he’s trademarked it, saying: “The media coined the term for me and, while some might not know the name Nick Freeman, they usually have heard of the name Mr Loophole.” And he’s all ready to sue anyway who tries to trade on his good name. So you British lawyers better watch the fuck out.

Best thing I found on Loophole’s Wikipedia page, by the by? This little nugget about Stephen McFadden, who’s apparently famous for his role on “East Enders,” a BBC soap opera:

Steve McFadden: who “had a remarkable capacity for drink” and was examined by a police surgeon, who had drunk the equivalent of nine double vodkas, and was found “for all intents and purposes to be quite sober.” McFadden was banned for 18 months, which is a fairly lenient sentence for the amount of alcohol in his blood.

A “remarkable capacity for drink?” Man, fuck Mr. Loophole. I wanna be known as Mr. Remarkable Capacity for Drink!

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The Daily Memo - 2/7/08

check.jpgBus gets in accident and man jumps on afterwards, claiming injury. Great opportunist or greatest opportunist? (Overlawyered)

check.jpgNew Mexico legislation involving the roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote. Great state legislation or greatest state legislation? (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgMmmmmm … body parts. Oh wait. Body part market. Uhm, nevermind. (WT&E Prof Blog)

check.jpgMan, I totally misread this headline, and it had “come and knock on our door” stuck in my head for two hours. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgPoor, poor Dr. Phil couldn’t get the defamation lawsuit against him thrown out of court. (LawInfo)

check.jpgThe Third Circuit is asking the Pennsylvania Supremes for some help in a case where a little girl had her foot chomped up by her grandfather’s rider mower and wants the mower manufacturer to pay. (Law.com)

Yes. We. Can. … What?


On Super Tuesday, I ultimately followed through on my threat to toss my Hillary loyalty aside and vote for Obama (a lot of good it did), though not without a small amount of reservation. I still can’t quite get past the notion that I might be relieved if Hillary ends up winning the nomination (I am, if anything, one of those obnoxious bastards that changes his mind from one day to the next).

JMW, a friend and writer over on Pajiba, writes frequently about his love of Obama and his distaste for Hillary on his own blog, frequently pointing out all of Hillary’s flaws, while lauding Obama’s positives. But, to my recollection, he hasn’t really addressed Obama’s perceived weaknesses, which I think James Wolcott summed up brilliantly:

Perhaps it’s my atheism at work but I found myself increasingly wary of and resistant to the salvational fervor of the Obama campaign, the idealistic zeal divorced from any particular policy or cause and chariot-driven by pure euphoria. I can picture President Hillary in the White House dealing with a recalcitrant Republican faction; I can’t picture President Obama in the same role because his summons to history and call to hope seems to transcend legislative maneuvers and horse-trading; his charisma is on a more ethereal plane, and I don’t look to politics for transcendence and self-certification.

So, JMW: What about that? The “Yes. We. Can.” speech gave me as many goosebumps as the next guy, but I can’t help but notice that he didn’t say anything about health care or the economy in that speech.

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Way to suck the fun out of it

florida-county-map.gifFlorida strikes again, with a little help from their friends in the Golden State.

Hundreds of Florida voters called officials Tuesday, asking when and where do they vote for the Super Tuesday primaries. Now this would have been an example of good citizenship. Except, this being Florida, these callers screwed up. Their particular primary was last week. That’s right. These folks called in a week late for their own primary.

Elections offices across the state are reporting hundreds of calls from voters wanting to know where they can vote today. The answer is that Florida already had its presidential primary — last week.
“We’ve had over 100 calls at least over the last two days,” said Kathy Adams, a spokesperson for the Palm Beach County Election Supervisor.
Closer to home, Orange County elections officials say they are dealing with a combination of confused voters from Florida and California.
“One of my staffers has figured it out,” said Orange County Election Supervisor Bill Cowles. “They are California voters going online and looking for the Orange County [California] election office and calling us instead.”

I just can’t make fun of Florida here. It is like they are trying to be mockingly ignorant, instead of the fun and often alcohol-fueled stupidity that usually crosses us. But I am sure a few commenters can find something to say….

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beer.jpgWhatever man. Just cause a few college kids can’t hold their booze, you gotta take away the fun for everyone?

In Minnesota, four kids have died since last fall in alcohol-related incidents, so a state legislator wants to get rid of drink specials, putting the kibosh on bottomless beer cups and drink specials for ladies. Which is just ridiculous because what the hell is one supposed to do in the cold winter months in Minnesota but drink themselves stupid? And some college kids have to drink on a budget, so if you cut them off at the knees like this, where is that going to leave them?

Out in the damn cold, that’s where. Representative Morrie Lanning hates the kids!

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Georgia on My Mind Part 2

image_6588035.jpgIn the kind of event that truly makes us “Florida’s Canada”, two police officers are recovering after being caught in a shootout. With each other.

At about 1 p.m. Friday, authorities say, Fulton County police officer Paul Phillips, 37, was on his way home in suburban Sugar Hill. He was in uniform and driving a marked car. He stopped to help a woman who was leaning out of her parked car and yelling for help, according to Gwinnett police.
That’s when police say a man in civilian clothes, later identified as Duluth police officer Jay Daily, 42, jumped out from behind the woman’s car and began shooting at Phillips, hitting him once. Phillips returned fire, police said.
The unidentified woman who cried for help was arguing with Daily before Phillips pulled over, according to Kathy Santry, who witnessed the event. Santry said the driver’s side window of the woman’s car was shattered and the woman had blood on her hands.
An arrest warrant was issued for Daily, said Cpl. Illana Spellman, a spokeswoman for the Gwinnett Police Department, which is investigating the shooting. Daily is charged with aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer.
“We don’t know the motivation for what [Daily] did,” Spellman said Saturday.

Silver lining: At least one of the cops was actually doing his job. Oh, and there were no old ladies or baby-cradling mothers caught in the crossfire.

Glass half full, folks.

(Oh, for those of you wondering, level 40 and climbing, and I chose Ashley, at least for this go-round.)

But the Corpse Never Said No

09b_05_Sally-Anne_415x275.jpgA man accused of biting and knifing a model to death so that he could have sex with her in her own driveway has offered up a defense worthy of Perry Mason, if Perry Mason were drunk, deranged, and ass-crazy desperate:

[Mark] Dixie admits having sex with Miss Bowman as she lay in a pool of blood — but claims she was already dead when he found her. He claims he just happened to be in Blenheim Crescent in the early hours of that morning under the influence of drink and drugs when he chanced upon her body and took advantage of the situation.

So, Mr. Dixie — is this a common practice? Do you regularly approach bloody corpses and try to sex them up? Or were you just feeling adventurous that night?


Stripper Outwits Horny Moron

prostitute234324.jpgDamn dirty thieving prostitutes — they’re so untrustworthy.

A 19 year-old man recently called the Merced County Sheriff’s Department for assistance after a woman he was going to pay for sex allegedly stole his money.
Sheriff’s spokesman Tom MacKenzie said the man called the sheriff’s department at 4:54 p.m. on Jan 27 from his home on the 8000 block of Cameo Way. The man told the sheriff’s department that he had paid a woman $180 to come and perform a strip-tease.
MacKenzie said the woman arrived at the home with another man for security purposes. After performing the strip-tease, MacKenzie said the woman offered to perform sexual acts for another $80. The man accepted, giving her the money — although the woman told him to retrieve a condom before the sexual act could occur.
The man walked out of the room to get a condom — but when he returned the woman had left with his money, MacKenzie said. “He came out and she was gone,” MacKenzie said. Upset that he had just been robbed, the man then called the sheriff’s department.

For some reason, the dude decided not to press charges after the cops informed him that he just committed a criminal act by paying for sex. Hmph.

The lesson here: Always keep a condom on your person.

What Does Anal Poisoning Even Mean?

nm_limbaugh_070622_ms.jpgIf you’ve paid attention to the Republican presidential campaign at all over the last week or so, you no doubt know about both Anne Coulter’s and Rush Limbaugh’s distaste for John McCain. I know that Coulter has avowed to vote for Hillary before McCain, and I believe that Limbaugh has suggested that he’d rather see a Democrat blamed for the direction the country is heading toward (thanks G.W.) than vote for McCain. But, yesterday on his radio show, he dropped this little bon mot:

Limbaugh was ranting against Sen. John McCain on his radio show this week when a caller asked whether he thought McCain would pick Sen. Lindsey Graham as his running mate. Limbaugh doubted it, though he admitted: “I may be wrong … Lindsey Graham is certainly close enough to [McCain] to die of anal poisoning.”

What does that even mean? Is anal poisoning contagious? Apparently, the term is common on porn websites, and given the way that Rush has acted in public lately, perhaps that’s where he picked it up.

The Daily Memo - 2/6/08

check.jpgDerek Jeter (swallows!) has settled his little tax case with New York. (ESPN)

check.jpgWhich BigLaw firms are like which presidential candidates? (The New York Observer)

check.jpg“Should your personal online chronicles jeopardize your career?” Lest the TV Whore spell the end of my own BigLaw career, I sure as hell hope not (unless someone wants to start paying the TV Whore what BigLaw pays, that is!). (Law.com)

check.jpgPeter Lattman is passing on the WSJ Law Blog torch, as he heads to greener pastures on the print side of things. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgGood news for same-sex couples — a New York court has ruled that the state must honor valid marriages from other jurisdictions, and Oregon is now accepting applications for same-sex domestic partnerships. (WT&E Prof Blog and some more WT&E Prof Blog)

check.jpgThe Ninth Circuit has given a thumbs up to an Arizona city which fired a police officer for running a sex site with his wife. (Nota Bene)

Kids steal the darndest things

kid-and-pizza.jpgStoned college kids everywhere understand this 11-year-old’s motives:

An investigation into an armed robbery in which cheesy bread and buffalo wings were taken from a pizza delivery driver in LaPlace last week led authorities to an unlikely suspect: a hungry 11-year-old boy.
The boy confessed Thursday to the robbery, which occurred after he called Domino’s pizza and ordered a $35 takeout dinner of pizzas, Buffalo wings and cheesy bread, authorities said. When the driver arrived at his house, the boy took the order from the driver and pulled a handgun when she protested, authorities said. No money was taken.
Detectives with the St. John the Baptist Parish Sheriff’s Office booked the boy, whose name was not released, with armed robbery around 12:40 p.m. after he was questioned in the presence of his mother, said Maj. Mike Tregre, Sheriff’s Office spokesman. The charge is considered a felony.
Tregre said the driver told authorities the boy had been sitting on a vehicle in the driveway and began questioning her about the order as she got out of her car. When she placed the food in her car to confirm what was inside, the boy reached in and took the entire order, along with a $250 heating bag.
When the driver protested, the boy pulled out a handgun and began walking north on Virginian Colony, according to a Sheriff’s Office report.
His reason for carrying out the crime: He said he was hungry, Tregre said.

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Well better this than their version of of Hawkins v. McGee!

Courtesy of The Billable Hour, with a hattip to Legal Antics, comes the Beavis and Butthead version of the classic law school case Palsgraf v. Long Island Railroad:

(And Hawkins, for you lucky non-law students who don’t know such things, is a case lovingly referred to as the “hairy hand” case.)

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What the Christ? It’s cold out — open up already!

wisconsin-cheese.jpgAs you surely know, folks all over this great land hit the polls yesterday for Super Tuesday, with 24 states holding caucuses or primaries. But not everything went as smooth as one would hope. In Wisconsin, Ethel Goodwin and a handful of others were lined up outside of their polling place nice at early, at 6:30 a.m. (dear Lord!), only to find that the doors didn’t open at 7 as scheduled.

“You can’t vote oldey, cause you’re too old!”

…Nah, that’s not what happened. Actually, just turns out that Goodwin and company weren’t a half-hour early, but two weeks early, since Wisconsin doesn’t hold its primaries until February. Oopsies.

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On Super Tuesday, Porn Stars Endorse …

… the mixed white-black guy?

Quote of the Campaign

Mitt-Romney-10.jpg“I am definitely the underdog compared to Sen. McCain, a number of people have proclaimed that… But the nice thing about being the underdog is they typically win.”

… Mitt Romney, clearly displaying a misunderstanding of the term “underdog.”

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Just Let It Go Already

ritter.jpgLosing a loved one is painful, even moreso when your loved one is as beloved as John Ritter was, and when that loved one dies so unexpectedly.

But, come on. The family of John Ritter — his wife and four children — have already received $14 million from several medical entities, including the hospital where he was treated. But, that’s not stopping them — four years after his death — from bringing another lawsuit, this one for $67 million, against radiologist Matthew Lotysch and cardiologist Joseph Lee for negligence.

Ritter had an aortic tear, the symptoms of which mimic a heart attack. He was thus treated for a heart attack, which may have hastened his death. But — after receiving $14 million, and probably enough money from “Three’s Company” royalties and his estate to survive comfortably for 400 years — why drag all this up again? Just let it go, folks. $67 million ain’t gonna bring the man back.

We’re here! We’re bigots! Get used to it!

rainbow.jpgLast week, the ACLU filed a lawsuit against Ponce de Leon High School in Florida, alleging that the school is stomping on students’ First Amendment rights. Specifically, the school has allegedly told students that they can’t put rainbow stickers on their notebooks, because anything showing support for the gays is disruptive. Better yet, according to the ACLU’s complaint, the attorney for the school board went so far as to claim that having a rainbow sticker on your notebook could suggest that you were part of “an illegal organization.”

Apparently, the fountain of youth is for heterosexuals only.

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The Daily Memo -2/5/08

check.jpgArrrrrrrrrrr, matey. Ye can’t beat pirates with copyright laws! (BBC News )

check.jpgYou think your landlord sucks? At least he doesn’t unload rounds into the ceiling from the apartment below you. (WTAM)

check.jpgWell it was only a matter of time before the paths of the Supremes and “Saved by the Bell” crossed paths. (Above the Law)

check.jpgAsshole dog-lover Mike Vick gets to keep most of the $20 million bonus he got from the Falcons because fortune shines on the bottom-dwellers. (SI)

check.jpgWhat does it mean for the Supremes if McCain wins? …That they’ll be spring chickens by comparison. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgNew Delaware legislation would make organ donation the default, and folks would have to actively opt-out, rather than the current opt-in system. (WT&E Prof Blog)

These stories never cease to amuse me

Mxyzptlk.jpgAdrian, Michigan is where we find Frank Kozumplik.

…Kozumplik? Isn’t that the imp from the fifth dimension who fucks with Superman until Supes can trick him into saying his name backwards?

Anyway, Kozumplik loves him some booze. Specifically, wine. And after tossing back two bottles of wine, what’s a drunk to do when he needs more wine? Why, hop onto his lawn mower and try to get to the liquor store, that’s what.

And Kozumplik did, indeed, get to the booze store. But on his way back, lawn mowing his way through a snowstorm, the cops busted him, four bottles of wine in tow. Kozumplik said he had to take the mower because his wife had the car. Which is a fair point. But that didn’t get him out of a DUI arrest anyway.

QuizLaw’s crack investigative team has learned the truth behind this story, however. Kozumplik’s wife didn’t have the car. That was just his cover because he was embarrassed by the truth. Which is that Superman actually stole the car, hoping for this very outcome. He’s crafty, that man from Krypton.

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Yes. We. Can.

I don’t even care about the star wattage in this music video, inspired by a Barack Obama speech. I’m just floored that goddamn campaign speech could inspire it. Bless you, Hillary, but there isn’t a speech you could give that would inspire this. I give up. You win, Barack. You win.

Vote today, folks. For whoever. Just vote.

Give it up for the goosebumps, folks.

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Well, obviously, she just needs to move to Dollywood

dollywood.jpg‘Cross the pond in Jolly Ole, the courts have upheld the eviction of Diane Duffin for ignoring multiple warnings from the local Environmental Services department. Those warnings? To stop blasting her damn Dolly Parton tunes. It apparently got so bad that all her TVs and stereo were seized, yet she still managed to blare her music, and and least one of Duffin’s neighbors has since moved out, with the house remaining empty since then.

Duffin, meanwhile, blames it all on her kids, saying they’re the ones who kept playing the loud music. Because we all know how much the kids love Dolly Parton.

Must Drive … 55!

Find out what happens when a group of rebelliously law-abiding college students decide to attempt a brave legal experiment: Drive the speed limit. No matter what.

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That’s It — We’re Done Hillary

20_hillary_lg.jpgGoing into tomorrow’s Super Tuesday election, I have to concede that, for the last few weeks, I’ve been back-and-forth on Clinton and Obama. I thought, around the time of the Iowa caucus, that I was firmly in the Obama camp. But, despite several setbacks, and despite the inspirational fervor of Obama, I’d finally come to terms with the inevitable: I was going to vote for Hillary anyway. Loyalty trumps all, and I’m a Bill Clinton guy first and foremost. I worked his campaign in ‘92, when I was too young to vote, and again in ‘96, when it was largely unnecessary. Hillary served admirably as governor’s wife of my home state and First Lady for over half of my life. I just couldn’t get past that.

Until today.

Sen. Hillary Clinton teared up this morning at an event at the Yale Child Study Center, where she worked while in law school in the early 1970s.
Penn Rhodeen, who was introducing Clinton, began to choke up, leading Clinton’s eyes to fill with tears, which she wiped out of her left eye. At the time, Rhodeen was saying how proud he was that sheepskin-coat, bell-bottom-wearing young woman he met in 1972 was now running for president.
“Well, I said I would not tear up; already we’re not exactly on the path,” Clinton said with emotion after the introduction.

Goddamnit, Hillary. The weepy gimmickry will work once, but twice? That’s just sad. It’s akin to Bush raising the terror alert every goddamn time an election was imminent. It’s pathetic. Is this what you’re going to do in the White House every time your poll numbers drop? Cry?

You just lost a vote, Hillary.

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Bunk Moreland Has His Job Cut Out for Him


Damn: No wonder the Homicide Department on “The Wire,” hates its job. You hear about the staggering murder rate in Baltimore, but when given a visual of it, it kind of blows your mind. Those are the murders in 2007 alone, boys and girls. And the flags in red: Those are the shootings.

The things you can do with Google Maps, though. Nicely done, Baltimore Sun.

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The Daily Memo - 2/4/08

check.jpgThe DOJ is a touch curious about the possible Microsoft-Yahoo deal. Translation: “where’s our piece of the pie, Mr. Gates?” (FindLaw)

check.jpgRare is the meter maid who is cheered on, but that’s what happened in jolly ole England when a traffic warden slapped a sixty-pound ticket onto an illegally parked Bugatti (which is a million pound car). (The Sun)

check.jpgA federal class action lawsuit is all about braaaaaaaaaaains. (Washington Post)

check.jpgThe way I read this, Chief Justice Phil Jackson can’t be far away, and I’m ok with that as long as he doesn’t bring Kobe with him. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgAn Ohio man busted from stealing from a Salvation Army kettle opted out of a 90 day jail sentence by spending 24 hours as a homeless man. (The Plain Dealer)

check.jpgAn online poll found that only two-thirds of people called for jury duty actually bothered to show up. Civic pride! (EarthTimes.org)

check.jpgTwelve Angry Men — conservative hooey, liberal claptrap, or just a classic flick? (Overlawyered)

check.jpgWhen sandwiches attack. (43(B)log)

That’s not a robbery, this is a robbery!

croc-dundee.jpgIn Australia, a judge recently referred to a pair of thieves as “the keystone robbers,” on account of their big heist going stupidly awry. Seems that Donna Hays and Benjamin Jorgensen were hoping to score $30,000 last April when they robbed a Melbourne restaurant. But — whoops — instead they wound up with a bag of rolls. Then, to make matters worse, Benjamin accidentally shot Donna in the hip, putting her in the hospital for four weeks.

And then, there’s the double-irony in the story: the name of the restaurant they stole the rolls from was the Cuckoo Restaurant, and the botched robbery actually took place on April Fool’s Day.

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Georgia On My Mind Part 1

krystal_logo-792893.jpgHello again. I have managed to separate myself from my latest unholy addiction to Mass Effect (sweet, sweet, sexy Mass Effect) to do some new posts. In honor of my home state (which, despite Stephen Colbert and his SC comrades, will always be the TRUE Peach State), I have quite a few stories involving Georgians.

First up: The city of Winder, Ga., where four employees of a neighborhood Krystal’s restaurant were fired after complaining about their managers’ method of dealing with suspected thieves. The method? Strip searches.

For those of you not familiar with Krystal’s, it is basically White Castle in the Southeast. This is allegedly how it happened:

Herbert Hunter, Daphne Hill and Shannon Jackson were fired after they complained that only the black employees were strip searched. Quinthony Brown did not return to work after he was searched.
According to the EEOC, a white cashier left work on June 29, 2005, without asking a manager to count the money in her register. The register later came up $100 short. Two white managers immediately questioned three black employees and forced them to undress to prove they were not hiding the money.
The cashier was never questioned about the missing money, the EEOC said.
Hill and Jackson were fired after complaining that they were singled out for the search because they are black and Hunter was fired because he told his managers their actions were discriminatory, according to the EEOC.

Really, regardless of the color of the participants, what would possess a manager to demand his employees be strip searched? What the hell do they teach these management trainees anyway? That the franchise is their own little duchy, and that all under their bad florescent lighting are under their sway?

I wonder if anyone put a golden chalice on the counter there, would anyone steal it, only to be left hanging from the Krystal’s sign as a warning to others.

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The QuizLaw Challenge!

wayne-law-review.jpgFrom the good folks over at Concurring Opinions, I’ve come to learn that the even better folks over at the Volokh Conspiracy and Balkinization are finding their blogs getting cited by law review and journal articles in an increasing amount with each passing year. In 2007, Volokh got cited 43 times, while Balkinization got cited 49 times (and Concurring Opinions had 28 of their own).

And QuizLaw?

A big fat mother fucking donut. Not one god damn citation to QuizLaw, ever!

I mean, sure, we may not get all serious-like all that often, and there’s probably not a huge call for citing to some snarky article about a stupid Florida criminal, but whatever with all that — I wants me a QuizLaw citation.

So consider this an open call to the vast number of legal scholars who read this site … or, more realistically, to the law school students with a good sense of humor who also happen to be working on notes which may soon be published. Throw the old QuizLaw crew a bone, would you? One citation, that’s all I’m asking for. Hell, the very first citation in my own Law Review note was to a quote from “The Simpsons.” …Could be that’s why my note wasn’t published, but whatever with that.

So if QuizLaw eventually shows up as a published citation in a Law Review or Journal article, the author responsible for such goodness will get some as-yet-to-be determined prize. But it’ll be big and fat. However, this is actually the dirty step-child of the true QuizLaw Challenge, ‘cause I like to dream big.

Here’s the real QuizLaw Challenge — if you happen to be reading this and you’re a judge, well let’s just say reference to QuizLaw in a published opinion would get you an even bigger, fatter prize (if we’re allowed to do so ethically — if not, I dunno, we’ll make a donation to your favorite charity or something heartwarming like that).

So that’s it — ball’s in your court fine readers. You got us voted the rooty-tooty-best-and-fruitiest Generally Speaking blog the ABA done ever seen, now let’s see if one of you can get us some citation love.

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Stop! In the naaaaaaame of looooove … before you act like a racist, misogynist pig!

the-supremes.jpgI’m no transvestite — not that there’s anything wrong with that — but I’ll freely admit that I enjoy a good excuse to put a dress on every once in a blue moon. Halloween, a play, etc. In fact, in law school, Dustin and I hosted a Halloween party with our other roommates where we both wound up in full drag (I was a renaissance maiden while he was dirty, dirty hooker). Anyway, the very first time I threw on a dress was when I was wee lad of about 10 or so. I went to a day camp (Camp Arrowhead, represent!) where each of the bunks put on a little musical/theatrical performance. This particular year, for example, I recall one bunk doing AC/DC’s “Big Balls,” complete with basketballs, volleyballs, etc., stuffed down their pants. The folks in charge weren’t so impressed. But my classy group of bunkmates decided to go with The Supremes’ “Stop! In the Name of Love,” including a few of us in full drag (thankfully, we had the common sense not to do blackface!).

It was a smash hit and we handedly won the competition. I still remember one small bit of the dance routine, in fact, and the song has always held a warm spot in the black, callous mass that is my heart.

All of which is a long way to get to the story of our latest asshat judge, one W. Kennedy Boone III. With a name like that, you know he’s a racist prick, right? Right.

So last April, he thought it’d be a good idea to refer to three female, black public defenders as “the Supremes,” and to tell a criminal defendant that he might want to get himself an “experienced male attorney” instead. Well the Maryland Commission on Judicial Disabilities finally got around to dealing with this incident, and recently ruled that Boone’s comments were “undignified and disparaging” (you think?). Boone, for his part, says he has no defense (you think?).

And the extent of his punishment? A whopping reprimand. But don’t worry, because it’s a serious reprimand — it’s published!

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Well 18-and-1 is almost as good, right?

eli-manning.jpgThis Super Bowl game was hell for me, because I hate the Patriots, but I hate the Giants, so I was left rooting for a good game which somehow wound up with neither team winning. But of course, the G-men pulled it off. Congrats to Eli, I guess (but, as was said repeatedly at the party I just returned from, he still looks like an unkempt cleaning lady).

Anyway, the ever-obnoxious Patriots had already applied to register trademarks for “19-0” and “19-0 The Perfect Season.” Well over at The TTABlog, Marty Schwimmer sums it up perfectly:

Well, you get three years to file a statement of use on that 19-0 application.


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Just Cause

Sometimes, I find videos that aren’t legally related that are just so … strange … the I feel compelled to share them anyhow. If you think that American reality TV is awful, wait until you see what they show in Japan.

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Baseball Cards Now $3 per pack; Suck

0131081inside1a.jpgI’m not a particularly old person; I came of baseball-card collecting age in the late 80s/early 90s, back when there was such a large influx of cards that they are all mostly worthless today. In my day, you could buy a pack of Topps baseball cards for $.40 and, if you were lucky, you got a Cal Ripken, Will Clark, or even a Mark McGwire rookie card (I also remember vividly snatching up all the Sam Horn and Mike Greenwell rookie cards I could find — what the hell was I thinking?)

Those were good times — nothing beat the thrill of opening up a brand new pack of cards and carefully scanning through to see if my favorite players (John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, Steve Avery) were included.

But now? $3 a pack. And you know what you’re likely to find in your baseball card packs? Mike Huckabee. Or Ron Paul. Or even Fred Thompson trading cards. That’s right: Topps, in their infinite (fucking) wisdom has decided to include a dozen cards featuring presidential candidates. Can you imagine ripping open a pack and frantically searching through for a Daisuke Matsuzaka card and running across a Hillary Clinton trading card? Oh, man: That’s enough to turn any kid to Yi-Gi-Oh cards.

Now, if there was an Obama girl card — that, I could get behind.

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The Spin Doctors Must Feel So Proud

little_miss_cant_be281x211.jpgAmazingly, the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals had the good sense yesterday to uphold a lower court’s decision to toss out a lawsuit brought by a couple of parents against the Lexington, Massachusetts school district, which (shamefully) subjected their child to a children’s book which featured (*gasp*) two princes. As in, two princes who liked to go down on one another (illustrations not included).

In a ruling Thursday, the 1st U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals agreed with a judge who ruled in February 2007 that parents’ rights to exercise their religious beliefs are not violated when their children are exposed to contrary ideas in school.
Public schools are not obliged to shield individual students from ideas which potentially are religiously offensive, particularly when the school imposes no requirement that the student agree with or affirm those ideas, or even participate in discussions about them,” the court said in its ruling.

Gay people in storybooks. Nooooo! The next thing you know, they’ll start introducing African-Americans into fairy tales, and then where will we be?

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The Daily Memo - 2/1/08

check.jpgATL’s new sports law columnist profiles an old-timey sports lawyer. (Above the Law)

check.jpgTivo gets a green thumbs up for a the Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit. (FindLaw)

check.jpgLawyers can’t socialize? Well, I just don’t know what to say to that. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgThe Navy would like to have its sonar training back, environment be damned. (FindLaw)

check.jpgDo such a good job of recycling that you can cancel your trash service, and then get sued for not paying for weekly trash service! That you don’t want or need. (Celsais)

His folks might want to get a tuition refund

college-tuition.jpgNineteen-year-old Joseph Burzynski goes to Indian River Community College. He’s a diligent student who is all about getting his papers handed into class on time. Unfortunately, his diligence doesn’t extend to showing up to class sober.

When you drink before class, you do stupid shit. Like drive to the police parking lot instead of your community college campus. And almost hit a sergeant. And get busted for DUI for being twice over the legal limit.


That karma’s a real bitch

my-name-is-earl.jpgFrom down under:

A psychiatrist known as a “hired gun” in court cases has been ordered into treatment by medical authorities after being accused of a dubious diagnosis.
Yolande Lucire has been reprimanded by the NSW Medical Board after its professional standards committee disagreed with a diagnosis she made in a medico-legal case and questioned her professionalism.
The eastern suburbs forensic psychiatrist is well-known in legal circles and her testimony in a criminal trial last year sparked a NSW judge to slam doctors for creating a generation of “Ritalin kids”, who were now committing violent crimes.
Dr Lucire said she could not defend herself because of a non-disclosure order, but said the matter “did not relate to patient care”. She can continue to practise.

…or are you just happy to see me?

cash-register.jpgIt’s a joke we’ve all heard 1,000 times before. There was a recent burglary, where some criminals stole a cash register from a business. Shortly thereafter, the cops pull a car over during a routine traffic stop. There are three men in the car.

Says the cop to one of the men: “Is that a cash register in your lap…”