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Monthly Archives: December 2007

Ed Helms’ New Year’s Resolution? To Kick Your Ass

Santa Claus is Going to Kick Your Ass

You know what the true spirit of Christmas really is? When Santa Claus not only catches a shoplifter fleeing from police, but when Santa gets in that extra kick to the ribs there in the end.

That’s Not Annoying, Damnit. That’s Art!

refrige.jpgTeachers do the craziest things:

A Foothill High School teacher will be in court Friday after he was arrested amid allegations he offered to trace his genitalia for two underage girls.
Tom Adame faces two counts of annoying a child, a misdemeanor charge that could put the history teacher in prison for a year.

Seriously, what student wouldn’t want a traced-outline of her teacher’s penis? You get some crayons and some glitter, and that puppy would be tailor made for your parent’s refrigerator door!

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The Daily Memo - 12/31/07

check.jpgLast week, my hometown Philadelphia Inquirer ran an interesting op-ed piece from Representative Robert Wexler, explaining why he thinks Darth Cheney needs to be impeached. (Philly.com)

check.jpgAnother Representative, meanwhile, thinks it will be a waste of time for ballplayers to testify before the Congressional panel investigating baseball doping. (FindLaw)

check.jpgA NY judge has ruled that a driving instructor is responsible for the damage caused by a driving student. (Law.com)

check.jpgGo to court pro se and you still may wind up paying the lawyers. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgAfter a test run in Philly, the FBI is planning to roll out digital billboards in 20 cities. (Engadget)

check.jpgA 60-year-old man is suing an 8-year-old, because kids these days are no damn good. (The Rocky Mountain News)

check.jpgJesus Christ. These kids are dying for our country, and Congress doesn’t even want them to play some slots? (CNN)

check.jpgAmersterdam cops are pissed off that they can’t get high while off-duty anymore. (The Daily Mail)

Never piss off a Trekkie

trekkies.jpgIn 2006, Ted Moustakis dropped six grand at a Christie’s auction to purchase a poker visor which Data wore in an episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” (Yes, six grand for a poker visor.) Trouble is, when he took it to a convention this August to have it signed by Brent Spiner, he who played Data, Spiner told him the visor wasn’t the one he wore in that episode. Rather, said Spiner, he had personally sold that visor some time back.

Moustakis sued Christies over his ensuing humiliation, seeking a refund plus millions of dollars in punitives. The auction house claims that the item is, in fact, authentic, and that Moustakis’ case is worthless. Moustakis responded by saying that when his case goes to trial, it’ll be like he’s some strange planet’s monster and Christies is the red shirt sent down to investigate.

I wonder, though, how Moustakis is going to prove that his purchase of the allegedly false visor is more humiliating than the fact that (a) he’s a Trekkie and (b) he spent six grand on a friggin poker visor?

The Bush administration makes stupid legal arguments? Get outta here!

bush-cheney.jpgLast year, Slate’s Dahlia Lithwick put together a list of the Bush administration’s worst civil-liberties violations and “[t]he grim truth is, not much has changed.” So this year, Lithwick offers the top 10 stupidest legal arguments Bush and his cronies gave us in 2007. At number 10 is the claim that the NSA eavesdropping was limited in scope, when recent revelations show that it wasn’t exactly narrow at all.

My personal favorites are item number 8, which is Cheney’s retarded claim that his office isn’t part of the executive branch, and item number 4, which is that “[n]ine U.S. attorneys were fired by nobody, but for good reason.” I’ll save numbers one and two for you to find out for yourself, but I’ll tell you that neither is Alberto Gonzalez, although he does find himself in sole possession of the number 3 slot for being “the lying-est attorney general in recent history.” Even int he realm of stupid legal arguments, Gonzales is still a loser. Congrats, Alberto. Congrats.

All I Want for Christmas is Porn

santa57.jpgA 10-year-old girl in Tennessee was thrilled on Christmas morning to discover that Santa had left her an MP3 player. However, her parents weren’t so thrilled to discover that the MP3 player, which they had purchased from Wal-Mart, contained lots of music with drug-related lyrics and video clips of violent war scenes and XXX porn. You’d think they’d welcome all the free media, but, noooo — they are hiring a lawyer and threatening legal action against Wal-Mart, which repackaged a used MP3 player and sold it as new.

You’d think they’d be grateful that, now that she’s got firsthand knowledge, they’ll never have to bother explaining the birds and the bees to their daughter. Ingrates. Nobody ever sees the glass half full anymore, especially when it’s half full of porn.

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I’m guessing he didn’t look like that

grim-reaper.jpgI dunno about you, but if I’m a cop (or a “Bobby,” since this story comes from England) and I see Death hanging around outside the police station, I’m not arresting him. I’m getting the fuck out of that station quick as a fiddle. That’s not what happened in Morecambe, however. I’d tell you myself, but The Visitor does an excellent job writing the thing up:

A man standing outside Morecambe police station dressed as the ‘Grim Reaper’ was arrested after a drunken night that went from bad to worse.
Christopher Kelly, 31, had come to Morecambe on October 5 with a group of friends from Nelson and got extremely drunk on lager and vodka.
Kelly lost his mates, who were celebrating a friend’s birthday and were also drunk, and wandered onto the beach where he got stuck in boggy sand and lost his shoes, trousers and jacket.
Cold and wet, he staggered across the road to Morecambe Town Hall where, seeing a window open, he climbed inside.
There he went in various rooms, took a camera and a mobile phone which he tried to use to call his friends. Then he soiled his underwear which he threw into a black bin bag.
He found a ‘Grim Reaper’ fancy dress outfit and put this on before leaving the town hall and wandering down Lord Street towards Poulton Square where he eventually arrived at the police station which was, at that time, unmanned. He stood there for three hours, still in the Grim Reaper gear, until police arrived.

Got stuck in the sand. Lost his shoes, pants and jacket. Shit his underwear. This story has everything.

The prosecutor, that Bardsley chap, says that Kelly couldn’t remember why he snatched the camera and phone, adding: “He was cold and very drunk.”

I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. But how many of us have seen those nights end up with soiled drawers and Grim Reaper get-ups? Not enough, that’s what I say!

In any event, Kelly fessed up to everything and the local magistrates took it pretty easy on him, giving him the equivalent of six months probation and ordering him to pay the prosecution fees. Pretty fair, you ask me — I mean, having to air your dirty laundry, so to speak, is punishment enough in this case.

The Daily Memo - 12/28/07

check.jpgWelcome to L.A. County jail, bitch! Mischa Barton done got herself a DUI arrest, complete with a pot possession charge and driving with a suspended license. (LAist and Defamer)

check.jpgPlaintiffs lawyers may just be able to get their grubby little hands on some interesting internal reports in backdating cases. (Law.com)

check.jpgThere’s a legal angle to the whole simulcast thing going on with the Pats/Giants game this weekend. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgA judge has scolded Sean Connery and his wife, accusing them of “blunderbuss” legal shenanigans. (LawInfo)

check.jpgLA’s city attorney, Rocky Delgadillo, has opened himself up to quite a few defense funds thanks to all his troubles. (LAist)

check.jpgA city-wide smoking ban in Louisville has been struck down as unconstitutional. (NKY.com)

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Dude, you are beyond ridiculous

ladies-night.jpgLast week, Manhattan’s Lotus filed papers in response to a lawsuit against it and several other NYC clubs. The plaintiff in the case is the ridiculous Roy Den Hollander, and he’s suing the clubs over the alleged discrimination suffered by men city-wide because of ladies’ nights (you know, where the gals get cheap or free drinks and admission, while the folks with dangly parts still pay full price).

Lotus’ response called Hollander’s lawsuit frivolous and said that under his theory of discrimination, “then ‘early bird’ specials for the elderly or promotions allowing children to eat free would be discriminatory on the basis of age.”

Another club, AER Lounge, also filed a response, and hit the nail right on the head, explaining why Hollander is a moron — without ladies’ nights, some of these clubs would become sausage fests:

Under this theory, male customers may actually benefit from ladies’ nights in other ways and be encouraged to attend the club on those nights.

Exactly right.

Now whether a man has a shot at breaking through the proverbial barrier put up by the office gals out for a night on the town, well that’s another story. But I’m guessing that Hollander has struck out at least a few times, and thus, this lawsuit.

The Spirit of Christmas

scratch-ticket.jpgDuring a December 15 holiday party, some friends were playing Yankee swap with their gifts. Franco Sapia selected a gift which turned out to be a $5 scratch ticket for a game called “Bah Humbucks.” Brenda White, later in the game, forced Sapia to swap with her, taking the ticket for whatever gift she had. Sapia claims that, at the time, White agreed to split any money with him if the ticket wound up being a big winner.

Of course you know it was a winner, to the tune of $200K. White now refuses to give Sapia his taste so he has, naturally, taken her ass to court. The state lottery is of course keeping its hands out of the mess, and the court has issued a restraining order against White, forbidding her from cashing the ticket until after a hearing early next year.

Ho ho ho.

Funky Lookin’ Plasticine Porn Stars for Hillary!

jenna1.jpgAs the country’s first opportunity to actually cast a vote approaches (one week to go!), a lot of folks in Iowa and New Hampshire are probably still scratching their heads wondering who to vote for. In fact, I bet there are a goodly number of folks who are thinking, “Well, I’m still a little undecided, but I wonder who Ted Nugent is supporting?” And if you need a shitty D-List personality to help you make up your mind this election season, Newsweek has gone and done all your leg work for you. Here’s a handy-dandy guide to the way a few people you don’t give a rat’s ass about are leaning this election season.

Ted Nugent: Mike Huckabee
Anne Coulter: Mitt Romney
Pat Sajak: Fred Thompson
Gene Wilder: Barack Obama
Larry Flynt: Dennis Kucinich
James Denton: John Edwards
Ben Stein: Rudy Guiliani
John O’Hurley: Rudy Guiliani
Marla Maples: Hillary Clinton
Harry Belafonte: John Edwards
Donny and Marie Osmond: Mitt Romney
Jenna Jameson: Hillary Clinton
Jerry Springer: Hillary Clinton

Personally, the fact that both Donny and Marie, as well as Anne Coulter, support Romney would’ve ruled out my vote had I known nothing about him. And while I might be inclined toward Hillary, if only because a bona fide porn star supports her, the honest-to-God clincher for me came when TV Guide asked the candidates what their favorite show was. Before then, I was in the Hillary camp. But she answered “American Idol” and “Dancing with the Stars,” which may be the height of pandering — it kind of made me sick. On the other hand, Barack Obama said his favorite show was “The Wire.”

And that folks is how I determine who to vote for. Barack: You’ve got my vote.

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A QuizLaw Dramatic Reenactment

bloody-mouth.jpg[Scene opens on a street near a local Winn Dixie Store in Destin, Florida.]

Okaloosa County Deputy: Excuse me, you of vagrants. I couldn’t help but notice that y’all were involved in a bit of a tussle.

Vagrant 1: Well yessir, occifer. That there guy fucking bit my hand for no apparent reason.

Vagrant 2: I did no such thing. And I’m outraged — I say, I take offense — that this guy would throw around such wild accusations.

Okaloosa County Deputy: That’s all well and good, Mr. Vagrant, sir. But next time you want to deny biting someone, you might want should wipe the blood from around your mouth first.

Vagrant 2: … dang.

[Vagrant 2 is arrested and charged with battery. And scene.]

The Daily Memo - 12/27/07

check.jpgA Utah State Prison inmate is suing the state’s Department of Corrections for the right to worship Norse gods. (Deseret Morning News)

check.jpgEgypt is planning to copyright the pyramids and the Sphinx, charging folks a licensing fee for reproducing the monuments. (Yahoo! News)

check.jpg“How Clinton lost her invincibility?” …Kryptonite? That shit fucks Supes up every time. (Time)

check.jpgThere’s been a $6 million settlement in the case involving the Big Dig tunnel collapse which killed a 39-year-old woman. (FindLaw)

check.jpgA New York juror says he felt pressure from the judge and other jury members to change his vote, convicting a man of second-degree manslaughter. (CNN)

check.jpgJustice Ginsburg and the Scalia, sitting in a tree, having a New Year’s Eve party… (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThe Senate had a nice 9-second session yesterday to continue to block Bush’s assistant AG nominee. (FindLaw)

This is how Jack Thompson deals with it…

jack-thompson.jpg…By being an obstinate pain in the ass.

Over at the Legal Profession Blog, Alan Childress has gotten into a bit of a tussle with Jack Thompson. Thompson is a Florida attorney who has spent years fighting against obscenity and rap music and things that harm the children. He thinks of the children! Recently, his fight has been against violent video games, blaming them for all the ills befalling our young society. He’s also gotten into a bit of trouble with the Florida state bar, and he may be facing disbarment, cause he’s a classy guy (Dustin actually posted about him back in December - he’s the asshat who included some gay porn pics in a court filing).

Anyway, over at the Legal Profession Blog, Childress put up a Christmas-day post linking to another article about Thompson and suggesting that he might not “always do himself a service when he pleads his own case to the public.” Thompson didn’t take too kindly to the post and put up a little comment of his own, arguing that he’s just doing what the public wants. Which, to some extent, he’s right about. But Childress put up a follow-up post yesterday, taking it to Thompson and explaining why he’s really not helping himself any.

Particularly in his filing with the Florida Supreme Court, where Thompson seriously compared the state bar organization to Nazis. And Thompson then posted another comment, ignoring most of the things he as being taken to task on, and just concluding that:

I’m not going to be disbarred. Deal with it.

If and when Thompson is disbarred, I wonder if he’ll quietly “deal with it.” I’m guessing not.

(Oh, and while you’re over at the ABA website voting for QuizLaw, make sure to stop by the Lawyers Behaving Badly category and give the Legal Profession Blog some love.)

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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife…

roof.jpgThis isn’t really a legal story, but it was on FindLaw, and if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for us. Beside, you’ll rarely see a more ironic story.

So Ken Hendricks was the 91st richest man in the country, with an estimated wealth of about $3.5 billion. The 66-year-old was the son of a roofer who made his money by founding a company which eventually became the largest wholesale distributor of roofing in the country.

Well Hendricks died last week, and I don’t mean to make jest of an innocent death, but take a guess at how he died?

If you said, “by falling through the roof of his own garage,” right you are.

Christmas Cheer Drives Washington Bonkers

santa_drunk.gifThe state of Washington, hopped up on eggnog and Christmas cheer, went out of its mind over the Christmas holiday, as damn near the whole state went insane. In Olympia, a man disrupted traffic when he ran out into the freakin’ Interstate, tried to take off his pants, and ran around maniacally waving his belt, trying to open car doors and beat passengers. He was eventually subdued, however, when police officers arrived at the scene and shot him to death, after the Taser had no effect. The man, apparently, hadn’t slept for days.

Then, in South Kitsap, Washington, a 66-year-old man, unable to remove that final lug nut from his automobile’s tire, took out his shotgun and, from an arm’s length, tried to blow the sumbitch off. The results are what you’d expect: “The deputies described the man’s legs as ‘peppered’ from his feet to his mid-abdomen with pellets, pieces of the wheel and other debris. Some injuries went as far up as his chin.”

In Suquamish, a man got upset that his ex-girlfriend was dancing with another man, so the bastard 1) snatched $50 from her; 2) shoved her in the breasts, hours after she’d had her nipples pierced; 3) head butted her; and 4) then threatened to take away all her Christmas presents. Bastard.

But we’re not done yet; in Bremerton, a woman beat the hell out of her ex-boyfriend after he came home extremely drunk, and then got up in the middle of the night, but missed the toilet by half-a-mile and pissed in the closet.

This embarrassed him, she said, so he tried to leave. But she wouldn’t allow it. “I attacked him,” she told the officer, reports said. “He was so drunk that I beat the (stuff) out of him.” During the “wrestling,” as the man described it, she “repeatedly” kicked him in the face.

And if you’re looking for a reason for all the shenanigans in Washington, it probably has something to do with the crucified Santa a Bremerton man hung on a crucifix, in protest of the commercialism of Christmas. Apparently, Jesus is pissed, and he’s making folks crazy.

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Best Solution to a Legal Impasse

While it’s old hat in most places in the States, one German state (Lower Saxony) only recently enacted a ban on smoking in restaurants, this past August. Michael Windisch isn’t the type of kerl to take that sitting down. So the proprietor of the Maltermeister Turm restaurant decided to offer his patrons a unique smoking solution.

He installed a smoking point. He put some holes in the wall, where patrons can stick their head and hands through, sorta like a guillotine. As the Spiegel Online clarifies for us, “[t]he patrons can then legally enjoy a cigarette without having to leave the comfort of the inn.

I mean, just look:




Awesome, right?

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The Daily Memo - 12/26/07

check.jpgAs a fan of Liverpool, this tickles me — four fans of Manchester United got jail sentences in Rome last week for some hooliganism before a Champions League game earlier this month. (FindLaw)

check.jpgCigna is going to get sued because, well, because health insurance companies are heartless beasts … but, specifically, because it helped a 17-year-old girl die by refusing to authorize a transplant. (FindLaw)

check.jpgLast week, a federal judge in New York upheld the state’s “Passenger Bill of Rights.” (Law.com)

check.jpgSupreme Court Justice Clinton? Highly doubtful. (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgWhoops — the head of the Cali parole board will be stepping down after getting a wee little DUI last month. (SF Gate)

check.jpgA Denver inmate escaped because the stupid guy driving the prison work crew van left the keys in the ignition while he went into a tire shop to have a tire fixed. (Denver Post)

Best of QuizLaw, December ‘07

december.jpgSure, December ain’t quite over yet, so I can’t really do a “Best Of” entry. But in keeping with the schedule I’ve had, today’s the day the December post is due, and I’m sticking with it. So I may be missing a few posts from the last days of the year, but such is life.

Can hear me now, bitch? — Sure, there should be a “you” in the title, but whatever, still doesn’t change the fact that this Judge is nuts.

Law School Wasn’t a Complete Waste After All! — Well the verdict’s still out on that one, I think.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk But friends so, apparently, give their friends a busted jaw when they ask for their keys — Only bestest friends.

Today’s Lesson: Keep Your Sperm to Yourself — I mean, if you’re gonna be financially responsible for the kid, you should at least get to enjoy the manufacturing process.

M-I-C … See you in court! — “Please raise your big, four-fingered, gloved hand and place it on the bible.”

The Smeller’s the Feller — Farts and the law, never a good combination.

The wee wee-wee defense — I dunno, I think I’d just take the conviction, rather than arguing that I’m a bit light in the trousers.

Who were they? And as a follow-up question, can we crown them? — Top-five NFL coach press conference meltdown, hand down.

You’re not the boss of me! — You might want to try to restrain your crazy while you’re in court…

The Cough Syrup Made Me Say It — …but if you can’t, blame it on the cough syrup!

Welcome to the Jungle Baby. You’re Gonna Die! — Maybe she should play some Guitar Hero, then she’d be familiar with old school tunes like this.

Who would you make them swear to? — Summoning Hindu gods? That’s some real judicial power.

More Proof that the 9th Circuit is the Best Circuit — Mmmmmm … beer.

Best of QuizLaw, December ‘07 — That’s right, this very post. Click on it, and you’re right back here again. …Did I just blow your mind?

Well that’s good - it’s not like there’s an election coming up or anything

fec.jpgSo get this — on January 1, the Federal Election Commission will basically shut down, at least in terms of making big decisions. The FEC has six committee members, normally. Right now, there are only five, and three of them have recess appointments that end next week. Which leaves the FEC with just two members. And since the Commission needs four commissioner votes to take any official action, it’s at least two members shy. So, until it gets some more members, no votey votey.

And the problem is that there’s a nice political hoo-ha going on in Congress regarding Bush nominees, and the partisan hackery has led to no progress in getting some replacement commissioners.

“There is, in effect, nobody to answer the phone,” said Robert F. Bauer, a leading Democratic campaign finance lawyer.

What sort of roadblocks could this cause?

Seven presidential candidates have applied to receive public matching funds for their campaigns, but they may not be able to access the money until the FEC certifies their requests. That takes four votes.
The national political parties each anticipate an infusion of about $1 million from the U.S. Treasury to help pay for their national conventions. Releasing that money takes four votes.
And then there is a range of vexing campaign finance questions that hang in limbo: Can a firm that operates a blimp accept unlimited contributions to fly it over New Hampshire with Ron Paul’s name on the side? Can a senator use his campaign account as a legal defense fund? How will campaigns comply with the new law that requires them to identify the lobbyists who are collecting campaign checks on their behalf?

So no big deal really. Good thing primaries for a Presidential election don’t start moments after the FEC has its ability to do anything cut off. That would be a real bummer.

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Heh — Florida just never get s break

welcome-to-hell.jpgCongrats to South Florida, which has gained a fine honor from the American Tort Reform Association. That honor? Number one on the national list of “judicial hellholes,” naturally. The Association says South Florida earns this honor because it offers a ton of high awards and plaintiff-friendly verdicts, which make it a fine nest for “dubious claims and novel theories of recovery.”

I have some friends in South Florida who would argue that you could simplify this award and simply name South Florida the number one hellhole in the country, period. They’re big fans of their current state of residence.

“I can’t hang my shiny balls on that”

bad-santa.jpgThanks to section 6103 of Title 5 of the U.S. Code, today is a legal public holiday. And sure, I’m a Jew and don’t really celebrate the Christ birth all that much, but doesn’t mean I can’t take advantage of the Congress giving me some time off, right? I mean, someone’s gotta eat some Chinese food today. And Dustin is, of course, the most pious and religious Catholic you’ll ever meet, and he’s still at Christmas Mass.

All of which is to say, QuizLaw is taking the day off. So enjoy the holiday, whether you’re a Jew or a goy, and come on back tomorrow. Ho, ho, etc.

Here’s a holiday video and picture (from a story about a Washington protest) for ya….


Make Yourself Right at Home

houseguest.jpgHere’s a great story from the Jolly Old Brits. Shane Sims is a 19-year-old who has been serving a 2-year-probation for a prior assault. He was recently in court over this, where he admitted to breaching a supervision order (dunno what that is, exactly, but I’m guessing it’s similar to failing to check in with his probation officer). So the court ordered him to spend a week under house arrest, complete with an ankle tag.

Trouble is, the house he was ordered to stay in wasn’t his own and the folks who live there, Brenda and Robert Cole, kinda didn’t want this young hoodlum around. See, Sims is friends with the Cole’s 16-year-old daughter, and he claims she said he could crash at their house since he had a falling out with his own pops. When Sims then went to court for this whole thing, he put down the Cole’s address as his own, so the official court order said this was the house he had to stay in.

The cops said they were helpless to do anything about the situation unless/until they had an official court order. As for Sims, well, he was pretty understanding about the Cole’s unhappiness over the situation, allegedly telling Brenda Cole:

I’m staying here until the tag’s off. There’s fuck all you can do about it. The courts have told me.

Pleasant lad.

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The Daily Memo - 12/24/07

check.jpgR. Kelly finally has a trial date, only six years later, for his kiddy porn case. (The Superficial)

check.jpgChicago’s being sued for issuing tickets to folks who talk on their cells while driving because the law behind those tickets is allegedly not being followed. (Engadget)

check.jpgA Wisconsin Senator wants gamers to pay for programs to rehab juvie delinquents, through a tax on gaming consoles and games. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgCongress has lifted a nine-year ban on publicly-funded needle exchange programs in D.C. (DCist)

check.jpgA woman convicted of executing her husband gets to stay a free woman, being sentenced to 10 years of probation and a $10K fine. (The Brownsville Herald)

check.jpgGod bless Florida — mermaids may soon be on the state payroll. (Tamba Bays’ 10)

check.jpg“Judge sides with man who was fired for posting ‘Dilbert’ comic on office bulletin board.” (Star Tribune)

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Best of QuizLaw, November ‘07

november.jpgGobble gobble. This Thanksgiving, QuizLaw was thankful for Fred Phelps getting some comeuppance, zombie Kool Aid Man and the death of chocolate bunnies. How could ask for anything more?

Suck It, Fred Phelps. Suck It Long. And Suck It Hard — Yeah, an $11 million verdict couldn’t go to a nicer bigger asshole.

South Carolina Blows — I’m already sick of the ‘08 Presidential Election, and there’s still so much of it left. How much better would it be with candidate Stephen Colbert in the mix? Stupid South Carolina.

Just reading about this makes me a little quesy — “Cheese making” charges. I got nothin to add.

Is Wayn Brady gonna have to choke a bitch? — Maybe not, but he might need to give this judge a lesson in S&M.

It’s Time to Put a Stop to These Menaces of Society — Awwww, I think Dustin needs a hug.

Uhm … yikes — Heh, that “pussy lips” gag never ceases to amuse me when I catch that episode on rerun.

Stop Your Bitching, Granny — Old ladies are just so persnickety, ain’t they?

Can we get the related Douchebag Law, while we’re at it? — That second video still crack my shit up like nobody’s business.

No high school students need read this site — QuizLaw! Serving a Junior High mentality for over two years!

Look kids - Big Ben, Parliament… — Those wacky Brits and their crazy laws.

Our Children Are Suffering — We Have to Act Now — I’m so over this Hannah Montana business.

With tuition that high, they better be singing and dancing! — No amount of singing and dancing is worth the twenty years of debt I still have hanging over my head thanks to those bastards.

Florida! Florida! Florida! Florida! — More Florida stories than you can shake a stick at.

The best defense ever — See, math makes everything better.

Tickets to “Gun Show” sold out — Well sure, I love squeezing other men’s biceps too. But that’s “at home” behavior.

The folks at night, will shoot you on sight … deep in the heart of Texas! — Quoting the story of another apparently makes me a Castro-loving, autistic, liberal prick.

Now, That’s Funny — Poor Joe Francis.

How to Kill a Chocolate Bunny — It should be illegal to harm chocolate bunnies. What’d those poor bastards ever do, aside from remain delicious?

A Judge After Our Own Heart

Gamble_LSU_Tiger_lsu4_large.jpgHere’s a state judge that understands what really matters in life: Football.

On request of counsel, a Louisiana judge has agreed to postpone a trial set to start on January 7th because the college football team, LSU, is playing Ohio State for the national championship.

Stephen Babcock, an attorney defending Imperial Casualty Insurance Co. in a lawsuit over a car crash, requested the delay because he has tickets to the Jan. 7 game at the Superdome in New Orleans. He and other LSU fans have rented out the second floor of a Bourbon Street bar for a pre-game tailgate party.
In his written request for a new trial date, Babcock refers to Ohio State as “Slowhio” (“due to their perceived lack of speed on both sides of the ball”) and notes that Allstate, sponsors of the Sugar Bowl, are not a party in the insurance case.
“All counsel to this matter unequivocally agree that the presence of LSU in the aforementioned contest of pigskin skill unquestionably constitutes good grounds therefor,” Babcock wrote. “In fact we have been unable through much imagination and hypothetical scenarios to think of a better reason.”

Wise move, your honor. You gotta respect the pigskin.

Chuck Norris Doesn’t Sue - He Just Wraps His Thighs Around Your Head and Squeezes

chuck-norris.jpgActually, turns out that Mr. Norris prefers the more standard and official-like methods of dispute resolution. Last week, the man who played Walker (he’s a Texas Ranger, doncha know?) sued book publisher Penguin over its recent book “The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts about the World’s Greatest Human.” Norris says that this book disparages his reputation because he’s not, in fact, human — he’s superhuman.

Nah. He’s actually tweaked off because the book, based on the internet cult sensation compiling “facts” about Chuck, trades on his name and “celebrity.” The lawsuit also complains that “some of the ‘facts’ in the book are racist, lewd or portray Mr. Norris as engaged in illegal activities.” So is he saying that “Guns don’t kill people — Chuck Norris kills people” isn’t true? I feel like I’ve been living a lie all these years.

But the real question is, do his tears actually cure cancer? Because, according to the recent I Am Legend, that means Chuck Norris could cause the end of civilization as we know it. So it’s actually quite a good thing that he doesn’t cry!

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If Jamie Lynn’s Parents Had Seen This …

Then gossip blogs would have nothing to write about this week.

Further Lessons in Parenting

r_gapkids.jpgYou ever get sick of the kid? Fed up because he keeps acting up? You take him to Friendly’s at the mall, and he keeps playing with his food? And then, at KB Toys, he won’t stop fondling the merchandise no matter how many times you tell him that if he doesn’t stop, you’re going to have to pay for it? Obnoxious, right?


Well Ernestine Willer, a Chicago woman, knows exactly how you feel. And she came up with a very novel solution. She just said, “fuck it,” and left her six-year-old child at the mall. Why? Well, “to teach him a lesson,” of course.

Ah yes. Abandonment is the greatest lesson you could ever teach a child. Right after neglect and malnutrition!

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Show Us Your O-Face!

drew1.jpgWe here at QuizLaw would just like to take a moment to remind you all that today is World Orgasm Day. I suspect you don’t need instruction.

Go forth. Spread your seed. Ride the white waves. It’s been officially sanctioned by … the World.

(*Note: QuizLaw cannot be held legally liable if your employment is terminated for celebrating World Orgasm Day in the workplace. Neither do we recommend dropping this fact as an introductory pick-up line at the local pub this evening.)

The Daily Memo - 12/21/07

check.jpg“Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy raises legal questions.” Is one of them whether we should considering mandatory abortion? (CNN)

check.jpgA working list of Bush scandals is now a hefty 60 feet long. (Firedoglake)

check.jpgFlorida and California are having a bit of a tiff over … citrus? (FindLaw)

check.jpgMartindale-Hubbell, the online and old-school-book listing of attorneys, may have a small future thanks to the new-fangled internets. (Law.com)

check.jpgLooks like there’s a touch of Alternative Minimum Tax relief coming down the pipeline. (WT&E Prof Blog)

check.jpgThe Fifth Circuit is recommending the impeachment of a federal judge in New Orleans because of all sorts of sketchy shenanigans. (WSJ Law Blog)

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Best of QuizLaw, October ‘07


The boys (and girl) are back in town — It didn’t amount to a hill of beans, but it was still nice to see the Phillies in the playoffs.

Quote of the Week — Yup, still a solid quote

To Go to Class or Not to Go to Class — Seriously, mandatory shmandatory.

The Ugly Side of Humanity — No, this isn’t about New Jersey, but I can understand why you’d think that.

The day the laughter died — And folks wonder why so many suffer from coulrophobia.

Today in Douchebag Legal Documents — Charlie Sheen? A douchebag? Inconceivable!

Defendants record what my mind is thinking — This time, Jonathan Lee Riches takes on Cheaty McChaterson, Bill Belichick.

Failure to Engage in Conversation? That’s a Crow-Barrin’! — Oopsie indeed.

It’s like a David Copperfield trick! — Ownership disputes over homes can get messy. And sawy.

What about Brett Favruhuh? — He keeps playing like this and the hell with an Amendment - they’re just going to give him Hawaii.

I don’t know who to root for in this one? — White trash or gay white trash?

Some Children Are Beyond Reproach — Damn kids.

An Open Letter to the Fantasy Football Gods — God damn fantasy football gets me angry, son!

One drink ain’t enough Jack, you better make it twelve — Sittin on the courthouse lawn / Drinking till the bottles are gone….

He’s doing the Lord’s work now — Jonathan Lee Riches makes us all proud and unleashes the crazy on Perez Hilton.

Dumbledore: Gay. Strict Constructionist Revolt — Self-serious law professors piss Dustin off like nobody’s business.

Who’s got two thumbs and a public censure? This guy! — This entry is still my favorite of the year as far as just looking at the combination of entry title and photo. Cracks my shit up to no end.

You gotta know when to hold ‘em… — Mmmmmm … poker.

I Don’t Care What the Bible Says; Jesus Hates You — Jesus 2.0 scares the hell outta me.

Drunk driving’s not funny … but this is kinda funny

drunkdonkey.jpgA fire chief up in Maine has been charged with drunk driving. As I say, generally not funny. But when the drunk fire chief was driving a fire truck around the street, with lights a-blazing and siren a-wailing, well, sue me — that shit’s funny.

The deputy fire chief says that the resident who called in the chief’s shenanigans says that he thinks the chief was blaring the siren in retaliation over a neighborhood dispute. Which is why your parents always told you not to get into a dispute with the firemen.

I’ll show them!

tow-truck.jpgIn Portland, Oregon, thirty-two-year-old Steven Syverson was pissed off over a recent ticket he received. So when he happened to drive by an unmanned police cruiser, which was responding to a domestic disturbance call, he did what any level-headed man might do — he hooked the cruiser up to his tow truck:

The police press release said the arrest unfolded this way:
A fellow officer noticed Syverson and ordered him to release the cruiser. After some hesitation, he did.
When the other officer returned to his cruiser, Syverson got back in his tow truck, locked the doors and refused to cooperate.
Then Syverson called the police station, “apparently unsatisfied with the police response he had generated when he tried to tow a marked police vehicle.”
The manager of the tow company was summoned and finally coaxed Syverson into surrendering.
Syverson was charged with unlawful use of a vehicle, obstructing governmental administration, interfering with a peace officer and criminal mischief.

Hey Fellas: Need a Reason to Vote for Hillary?

Well, you don’t anymore.

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Acting Up? That’s a Shockin’

Electroshock.jpgHere’s a great practical joke that you can try at home, kids. When your emotionally disturbed brother or sister starts to annoy you, try electroshock therapy! It’s hilarious. And it works!

Actually, aversion therapy is still being used in a group home in Massachusetts; unfortunately, it’s apparently susceptible to pranksters. A prank caller phoned into the home, pretending to be a staff supervisor, and ordered inexperienced and overworked staff members to shock two teens.

The caller said he was ordering the punishments because the teenagers had misbehaved earlier in the evening, but none of the home’s staff had witnessed the behavior that the caller cited. As the two boys’ screams could be heard throughout the house, near-mutiny erupted among the other boys, who insisted that the accused teenagers had violated no rules. One boy even suggested the call was a hoax, according to the report by the Massachusetts Department of Early Education and Care, which licenses group homes.
The staffers, inexperienced and overworked, were described as concerned and reluctant, yet nobody verified the orders with central office, nor did anybody check treatment plans for the two teenagers to be sure they were permitted to receive that degree of shock therapy.
By the time a call was finally placed to the central office and staff members realized their mistake, one teenager had received 77 shocks, well in excess of what his treatment plan allowed, and the other received 29. One boy was taken to the hospital for treatment of two first-degree burns.

Well, I suppose it’s better than playing Mortal Combat on them.

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QuizLaw’s Gaming Advice

mortal-kombat-armageddon-20061020040209391.jpgAre you a teenager who has been having trouble with your Mortal Kombat game? Tired of getting beat by all your friends when you play this popular Midway game?

Here’s some advice: Don’t practice your Mortal Kombat moves on your seven-year-old half sister. You might kill her.


Lamar Roberts, 17, and Heather Trujillo, 16, have been charged as adults with felony child abuse causing death after beating Ms Trujillo’s younger half-sister, Zoe Garcia, on December 6th.
The incident occurred as the teenagers babysat Trujillo’s half-sister while their mother was at work. They both allege that the girl lost consciousness following a wrestling game, and their attempts to resuscitate her failed.
According to the autopsy, Garcia’s body had more than 20 bruises, swelling of the brain, and bleeding in her neck muscles and under her spine.
Media reports are dubbing this incident “the Mortal Kombat death”, saying that the girl’s horrific injuries were caused by Roberts and Trujillo imitating moves from the game.

At least they didn’t rip out her still-beating heart and show it to her.

More Proof that the 9th Circuit is the Best Circuit

BM1185~Beer-White-Guys-Dance-Posters.jpgYou can take away a man’s freedom, but you can’t take away his drink, so says the 9th Circuit:

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit recently rejected a probation requirement that would have forced Marcus Betts, a former TransUnion employee who pleaded guilty to fixing people’s bad credit reports in exchange for bribes, to abstain from alcohol for three years. The court deemed the requirement an abuse of discretion, noting that it was not reasonably related to a legitimate criminal justice goal, as required by federal law:

There’s a reason the 9th Circuit is the most overturned court in the U.S. …Drunks. All of them, except for Kozinski. That motherfucker is just crazy.

The Daily Memo - 12/20/07

check.jpgAfter Dustin pulled the sheep’s clothing off the wolves, exposing the Overlawyered folks as the robots that they are, it didn’t take long for the inevitable denial. (Overlawyered)

check.jpgI like the way Geeklawyer thinks. A filthy month with Jordana Brewster indeed! (Geeklawyer)

check.jpgThe lawsuit against lawyer-rating Avvo has been dismissed by the court. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgA Boston man has filed a wicked pissah of a lawsuit against HP and Staples ovah alleged antitrust violations relating to printer ink. (Engadget)

check.jpgThe MPAA just got a big “how ya doin” in their case against TorrentSpy, as the judge entered a default judgment against the defendants because TorrentSpy destroyed evidence. (ars technica)

check.jpg“Students are suing their law schools in droves.” That’s cause law students, as we know, are largely a bunch of assholes. (WSJ Law Blog)

Best of QuizLaw, September ‘07

september.jpg“Don’t tase me bro” and two Jonathan Lee Riches story? Christmas came early this year!

How youdoin’? — Ah, “Joey,” we hardly knew ya.

The What-Now? — No anus was hurt in the filing of this motion.

“It’s the greatest settlement over a broken toilet in the history of broken toilet lawsuits!” — Donald Trump knows from big tools that hold a lot of crap.

An act of judicial discretion? — Genital herpes and the law.

Everyone Loves Divorce Lawyers — I don’t even remember what this story was about. But Kate Hudson and Naomi Watts are cute, man — ain’t that good enough?

A son not even a mother could love — QuizLaw tries its hand at matchmaking.

Killing Time in Iowa — I could think of far worse things than having some Cheetos thrown my way, I’ll tell you what.

Killing Time Everywhere — You know it, you love it: “Let’s Paint TV!”

The Elven Supremacy — Man, I need me some consultant elves.

One Question Only — Well at least “don’t tase me bro” isn’t a question.

Please Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em — This video still kills me. Best thing to come out of the whole “don’t tase me bro” debacle.

You’re in the game now — Jack McBrayer is the best.

Welcome back, Jonathan Lee Riches — …Don’t ever leave me again.

Mr. Riches, you never cease to amaze me — Nothing like a one-two punch of the brilliant-crazy.

The Best Mug Shot Photo … Ever — Well I dunno if it’s the best one ever, but it is pretty great.

It’s Not Legal Related, But It’s Friday. And This Lizard is Real — Chillin out maxin, relaxin all cool….

Wait a minute, this ground is a little soggy

wetlands.jpgThis is the first time I’ve stumbled upon a story mentioning Cary, NC, which is the little burg where my sister and brother-in-law live. So this one’s for them….

Kristin Wallace, a Cary woman, was at a public auction last year and purchased eight acres of wet lands for $12,500 as an investment. Trouble is, those eight acres are under a man-made lake. Wallace’s investment company is now suing the city of Raleigh and Wake County to force them to either buy the land back or drain Lake Lynn. Says Wallace: “[The land’s] extremely valuable to me. Dry.”

A representative of the County Attorney’s Office says this is just a caveat emptor situation, buyer beware. “It’s bought as is,” she said. Translation: “Eat shit, lady.”

Massholes gotta start learning young

masshole.jpgBrendan Lee is a 40-year-old longshoreman up in the Boston area. Lee tries to be an upright citizen and a shining example to his five children. And how better to teach your kids a good work ethic than putting your 4-year-old son on the payroll as a heavy equipment operator, naturally?

After confessing to this stupid fraud, Lee was hit with two years of probation, along with four weeks of home confinement on the weekends. He also has to pay a little over three grand back into the state unemployment fund because he also fessed up to wrongfully taking some unemployment from the state.

And the best part of this story is that Lee wasn’t alone. He’s one of 20 people indicted for shenanigans, including five other children also appearing on the payroll.

Friggin Massholes.

Act Now! Before the Robots Eat Us All

dd_howto.jpgFor those of you who don’t keep up with blawg politics, there’s currently a contest that’s heating up in the American Bar Association’s Top 100 Blogs, specifically in the “Generally Speaking” category, between the greatest legal blog on the Internet, QuizLaw, and another site called Overlawyered, which I understand is run by communists. Seth and I wanted to keep this race clean, but since we’ve fallen behind now, we feel that it is incumbent upon us to start the smear campaign. In the beginning, we promised that every vote you made for us would grant an angel a demurrer, but unfortunately, that’s not been a successful strategy, so we’re forced to reveal some ugly truths.

And here’s the God’s honest: Walter Olson and Ted Frank, the purveyors of legal smut over on Overlawyered, are robots. Yes. You heard me right. Built by the IBM Corp. sometime in the late 90s and given fake, prestigious resumes (like a University of Chicago graduate would actually blog! ha!), Walter and Ted were programmed to spit out thoughtful, sometimes amusing legal analysis (and relevant links) about cases that actually matter in the world of law, which as we all know defies every tenet of the blogosphere.

Seth and I, on the other hand, bring you legal news meant almost exclusively to entertain, and we fail at least as often as not. Why? Because we’re not robots. And America fears robots. In fact, each time you cast a vote for Overlawyered (Warning: Contains actual legal substance), you embolden the robots, bringing America ever closer to the robot uprising that is destined to bring down this great country of ours.

So, please: Cast your vote for Quizlaw. Do it for us. But more importantly, do it to save the world from a future of evil-natured robots, programmed to destroy us all.

Don’t let the robots win.

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It’s Not Slavery; It’s a Job!

housekeeper.jpgHave you ever had one of those no-good lousy housekeepers who can’t make the fucking bed like you like it (prison style) and who, no matter how many times you tell them, neglect to dust the plant leaves? I mean, damn: That’s what we’re paying them $.75 an hour for, right?

And the real injustice here is that, when a couple of millionaires (Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani and his wife, Varsha Mahender Sabhnani) treat their housekeepers like they deserve to be treated (indentured servants), they get punished, brought up on charges, and thrown into the clink for up to 40 years. Ridiculous!

Prosecutors called it a case of “modern-day slavery.” Assistant U.S. Attorney Mark Lesko said in closing arguments the poorly educated women worked as housekeepers for $100 or $150 a month — all of which was sent to their relatives back home.
Lesko said the women, known only as Samirah and Enung, were subjected to “punishment that escalated into a cruel form of torture” that ended when one of the women fled on Mother’s Day.
Allegations of abuse included beatings with brooms and umbrellas, slashings with knives, being made to repeatedly climb stairs and take freezing cold showers as punishment for misdeeds that included sleeping late or stealing food from trash bins because they were poorly fed.
Samirah, the woman who fled the house in May, said she was forced to eat dozens of chili peppers and then was forced to eat her own vomit when she failed to digest the peppers, prosecutors said.
“This did not happen in the 1800s,” Lesko said. “This happened in the 21st century.”
Enung testified that Samirah’s nude body once was covered in plastic wrapping tape on orders from Varsha Sabhnani, who then instructed Enung to rip it off. “When I pulled it off, she was screaming,” the housekeeper said through an interpreter before breaking down in tears on the witness stand.

You know what? If you’re desperate enough to eat from the trash bins, you ought not complain when you’re given (delicious) chili peppers or regurgitated left-overs for dinner. Those are calories, you know? Housekeepers never appreciate anything — and the plastic wrapping tape?! That was just an Indonesian wax. Ungrateful wenches.

Pshaw! What kind of world do we live in when we can’t torture the help? This is America, damnit.

QuizLaw’s Lessons in Film Studies

rentacop.jpgNote to future film directors: Don’t shoot your crime movie in Luanda, Angola, else you might be the one shot:

Actors were shot dead while filming crime movie. The director of an Angolan crime film says police have shot dead two of his actors after mistaking them for real armed robbers.
Director Radical Ribeiro, from the Banda Mulundi production company, said: “We saw the police pick-up speeding towards us.
“It looked empty but then suddenly it stopped and people appeared on the back and without asking any questions they started shooting at everybody at close range.
The director said that the actors were carrying firearms, but without any ammunition.
He said: “I was stunned when I saw them falling down. They went on shooting until I shouted out, ‘Please don’t shoot, this is a movie’.”
The officers then stopped firing and left without attending to the injured, who were taken to hospital, Mr Ribeiro said.

Also, never shoot a love scene in on a Hollywood backlot; those rent-a-cops are always joining in and asking questions later.

The Daily Memo - 12/19/07

check.jpg“Humdinger of a copyright case.” (Likelihood of Confusion)

check.jpgAh, good ol’ Philly. A Center City lawyer is among 15 people indicted for a 25-year “scheme of bogus personal injury claims employing 100 runners and working with about ten physicians.” (Overlawyered)

check.jpg“Girls Gone Wild v. Girls Gone Wine.” (The Trademark Blog)

check.jpgHamdan is going to have a trial to determine if he’s a POW and, if that’s the way the hearing shakes out, he’d likely lose the chance to go before a U.S. military commission. (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpg“Justice Scalia’s worst nightmare.” Gays? Liberal black gays? Pink socks? (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgBabies and bears and Bingham, oh my!. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThe Jersey Turnpike filed a lawsuit against the victims of a turnpike crash who lost four family members last year, and then quickly backtracked, calling it a “clerical error.” (Overlawyered)

Best of QuizLaw, August ‘07

august.jpgAccording to Wikipedia, August is Buwan ng Wika (“Language Month”) in the Philippines. At QuizLaw, August is simply the month where we got our second taste of Jonathan Lee Riches….

We can add this to the long list of reasons I’m glad I don’t live in Florida — So long. That list is soooooooo long.

I am so sick of this kind of crap — This story about religious pharmacists refusing to fill prescriptions for the morning-after pill caused the rare QuizLaw event of actual discussion.

Please sir, can I have some more DVDs? — I still love this modern-day Fagin.

The Silence of the Lambs — Seriously, Black Sheep is a great movie that you should totally check out.

You gotta love a truly honest lawyer — Wives make it so difficult to practice the law, don’t they?

Gunga galunga — If you don’t love Caddyshack, you’re un-American.

There’s No Shit in “ool” — Come on! Who doesn’t like swimming with some poo?

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. — He sure does.

Texas: Smarter than Florida, but Meaner than Hell — It sure is.

It’s like rain, on your wedding day — Mugshots from The Smoking Gun never get old, do they?

Common Sense Lesson #152 — Turns out judges aren’t exactly the kind of folks you want to hire as hitmen.

Batman and Identity Robbin — Everyone’s favorite Jonathan Lee Riches opens his bag of crazy up on big-head Barry Bonds.

Dustin, please explain your home state — And he gives us an explanation, although it comes with another inquiry worth pondering.

Chung Chung! — Oh “Law and Order” marathons, how you got me through many a Saturday hangover.

Meth Heads are a Special Kind of Crazy — The cops never should’ve left that apartment. They should still be there, man.

Adios Alberto! — Oh, Alberto Gonzalez, we hardly knew you. …Oh, no, that’s right. We totally knew you, and you were a douchenozzle.

You Don’t Know Where that Thumb has Been — Yeah, I miss Fat Ebert too.

Get bent, Oceonography man

evolution.jpgNathanial Abraham used to work for the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution. He’s now suing the Institution over being fired back in 2004, claiming that his civil rights were violated. But here’s the thing — Abraham was fired because he’s a Creationist who doesn’t believe in evolution, and he was refusing to work on research which included “evolutionary aspects.”

Which means that his firing was, of course, 100% justified. I’m sorry — all you crazy Creationists can believe whatever nonsense you want. But when you’re working for an actual scientific institution as a biologist, well, you just can’t do your job if you don’t “believe” in evolution. This isn’t religious discrimination, it’s discrimination against pig-headed idiocy.

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Who would you make them swear to?

lakshmi.jpgEarlier this month, I told you about an Italian court issuing a summons for Mickey Mouse and some other cartoon characters. Well a judge in India has given the Italians a one-up — rather than summoning cartoon characters, Judge Sunil Kumar Singh has issued a summons for Ram and Hanuman, Hindu gods! That takes some serious stones, ordering gods to “appear before the court personally.”

Judge Singh is overseeing a property dispute that has been going on for a whopping 20 years. The dispute is over a 1.4 acre plot which has two temples, one which worships Ram and the other which worships Hanuman. Judge Singh first tried to get the gods to show up in court by mailing them notices but, shockingly, the mail was returned for having incomplete addresses. So then he took out a notice in the local papers:

You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herbey directed to appear directly before the court personally.

My only issue with this is that, if I were the judge, whatever with Ram and Hanuman. I’d be trying to get Lakshmi into my courtroom, cause she’s a hotty man. Know what I’m saying?

She Hates These Cans!

SteveHatesCans.jpgA 61-year-old Michigan woman, finally fed the hell up with her husband, fired a gun at him, but missed him, taking out the damn flat-screen television instead. (Damnit. What a waste.) After the husband locked himself in the basement and refused to come out, he called 911, and he and his wife then got into a bickering argument with the dispatcher.

The wife then got on the phone, saying to the dispatcher, “he pushed me over the edge that was all.”
She said she was fed up that he was taking out his problems—a family member dying and his recently stroke—out on her.
“He’s taking it all out on me,” she told the dispatcher.
“No, I’m not,” he protested.

The woman, who has been charged with assault with intent to commit murder, claims she wasn’t trying to hurt or kill her husband. I guess she was just trying to show him how much she cared by putting a bullet in his chest.

Of course, it could’ve been worse: She could’ve stabbed him with her car key.

Your Tax Dollars Hard at Work Part XIV

Christmas-Snoopy-Lights-Tree.jpgI’m not sure if I find it more surprising that nine House members voted against a resolution in support of Christmas, or that the fucking House of Representatives took up considerable time and expense to vote on a goddamn resolution “recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.”

What the hell is the point in that, huh? Is this Congress’ way of pulling out its Christmas dick and waving it around to prove its Christmas spirit? Come on. Give me a break. Like it’d kill them to vote for something that actually mattered. Is that resolution recognizing the importance of Christmas gonna feed children, build roads, or fund research? No. It means absolutely nothing. Thanks, Congress! Thanks for rewarding me for standing in line for an hour in the miserable November cold to vote for your dumb ass. You’ve done us proud. Real proud.


The Daily Memo - 12/18/07

check.jpgPoor Pam Anderson just can’t find true love as she, once again, files for divorce, this time from her hubby of only two months. (Yahoo! News)

check.jpgA federal judge has told Bush and his crew to get bent, ruling that the White House visitor logs are public documents subject to the Freedom of Information Act. (FindLaw)

check.jpgHave Blockbuster and Facebook gotten themselves in legal hot water thanks to Facebook’s Beacon debacle? (Computer World)

check.jpgA new California state law says that stores have to give cash refunds for gift cards with balances under ten bucks. (Metroblogging Los Angeles)

check.jpgYikes — Santa Clause has been arrested by Stormtroopers and the Emperor is now running Christmas. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgIn Cali, lawyers can’t use opposing counsel’s privileged docs, even if that lawyer makes a boo-boo by giving them out. (Law.com)

check.jpgAmbulance chasing joins the blogosphere. (Overlawyered)

check.jpgThere may soon be a settlement in the massive class-action lawsuit against a classy Ohio landlord who allegedly videotaped a few of his 600 tenants. (Toledo Blade)

Best of QuizLaw, July ‘07

july-fireworks.jpgJuly was an absolutely awesome month because it was when we got to meet QuizLaw’s all time favorite person in the world ever. He’s way down at the bottom, the last linked entry.

Just another drug story — Turtles, drugs … it’s all the same.

This is why the British are better than us — Hint: it ain’t the food.

Will Production Halt on Anal Camera 20? — One sure as hell hopes not!

“A bizarre sexual rendezvous involving carrots and crack cocaine has led to three arrests.” — When Bug Bunny, Peter Rabbit and the kid working the corner get together, well, trouble follows. All in the game.

Make Like a Tree and … Oh, Fuck It — Hellooooo McFly.

Well this sure sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen — That fucking Optimus Prime is nothing but trouble.

BREAKING and SHOCKING News — Hey, whadda you know? Five months later and Bush is still a dick.

Does the story even matter? — Nope. That picture still kicks ass.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, and a broken whiskey bottle — Nothing says love like an wedding-day brawl!

Stupidest Lawsuit of the Moment — Whodda thunk QuizLaw would start a debate about cockfighting? …Yeah, I ain’t so surprised either.

“Wade told me for $50, he’d kill a dog.” — This video never gets old.

It’s not all shanking and dropped soap when you break the law — Cause this is Thriller … thril-ler night!

Who knew that Hermione would turn out to be a dude? — Man, that would’ve been sooooo more interesting than all the chapters with them camping and doing nothing.

So this means Cheney was a Slytherin? — That’s right, it’s a Potter one-two punch!

That’s some serious squadush! — Love that picture. Both of ‘em, actually.

Michael Vick is in serious trouble — He still is, but whatever with that. I believe this was our first introduction to the joy that is Jonathan. Lee. Riches. I suspect that he might just show up in some more of these “Best Of” entries.

Love and marriage, love and marriage

married-with-children.jpgTurns out that the three-year marriage of Kevin and Mary Gates hasn’t going so well. In fact, a few weeks ago, Kevin began to develop a strong suspicion and fear that Mary was trying to have him killed. But he decided to play stupid so that he could hopefully catch her in the act of arranging his death, which recently happened when Mary offered an undercover cop six grand to whack her hubby.

Mary has now been charged with three counts of solicitation of murder and will likely spend quite a hunk of time in the clink.

My question is, instead of trying to hire a hitman, why didn’t Mary just sit on him:


Is that a lager in your pants or … seriously, that’s a beer can in your pants, ain’t it?

smuggling-pants.jpgDavid Edward Benbow is a 30-year-old who was recently busted for trying to steal a can of beer by stuffing it down his pants. Benbow was busted at Bargain Booze, a local booze shop, and was given a three-month prison sentence by the British Magistrates overseeing his case. But they decided to cut Benbow some slack and suspend the sentence for a year so that Benbow can get some alcohol and drug treatment. The Magistrates did this because they said there’s still a chance that Benbow can fix his life.

Which is great and admirable and all. But. Benbow has seventy-one previous convictions on his record. Seventy. One. I mean look, I’m absolutely all for rehabilitation over punishment, particularly with addicts, I’m a firm believer in the idea that society benefits more from a rehabilitated addict over one stuck in a jail cell. But seventy-one prior convictions? Come on.

At least Benbow is lucky to be a Brit and not here in the states, where he probably would’ve gotten a 10-year sentence or, if he were a Texan, he’d already be strapped into the chair.

(And in other theft-by-pants-stuffing news, a man has been sentenced to community service after pleading guilty to stuffing bologna in his pants in an attempt to steal it. And this will shock you — he was drunk at the time of the theft.)

Did Huckabee Peak Too Soon?

davidhuckabee.jpgSo after skating by for months as his star rose among his fellow G.O.P. presidential candidates, Mike Huckabee’s near front-running status has given rise to some digging into his past as we ramp up toward the beginning of election season in January. Last week, the New York Times Magazine did a splendid hatchet job (registration required) on the man, basically ruining any chance he had with voters who read the magazine. Fortunately for Huckabee, Republicans tend to steer clear from the uppity NYTimes, so many may never realize that 15 years ago he suggested that people with AIDS ought to be quarantined — a belief that actually may merit a few more votes from the Christian Conservatives.

But now comes news that Huckabee may have used his power as Governor of Arkansas to hush up an investigation into the torture of a dog by his son. When David Huckabee was 17, he apparently hung the dog from a tree and killed it. This raised all sorts of animosity from animal-rights organizations, which called for an investigation. The police, however, never looked into the allegations, even though David was dismissed from the Boy Scouts for breaking their rule to “be kind.” And David said that he and a friend were merely putting it out of its misery. By hanging it from a tree.

I’m from Arkansas. And I know a lot of dogs that were put out of their misery. And it always involved a shotgun. Never a tree and a noose. But maybe a pastor’s son figured this was the best way to ensure that the dog got to doggie heaven.


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Hillary Sticks Out Tongue, Wins Votes

250px-Tongue.agr.jpgIn more political news, Hillary Clinton — seeking to energize her fledgling campaign — locked up the endorsement of Iowa’s largest newspaper, The Des Moines Register, over the weekend. However, not content to leave well enough alone, Hillary shot herself in the foot by then comparing herself to a cow and inviting Western Iowans to “look inside [her] mouth.”

Hillary, who has quite a reputation for pandering, won over a few religious voters who took her up on her offer, after they inspected her mouth only to discover that her tongue hairs were neatly combed into the shape of the Virgin Mary. Clinton agreed to lick several constituents in exchange for their votes.

Lieberman Inches Ever Closer to Gay Sex

lieberman.jpgFormer vice-presidential candidate and Democratic senator from Connecticut, Joseph Lieberman, has officially gone full circle now. After losing the Democratic primary in 2006 to Ned Lamont, Lieberman ran as an independent and siphoned off enough Republican votes to get reelected. Unfortunately, he left his divorce from the Democrats slightly ambiguous, so to nail the message home — I love the G.O.P.! More War! More War! More War! — Lieberman has officially endorsed Republican John McCain for president.

But everyone knows that you can’t officially join the Republicans until you’ve let another man blow you behind a White House dumpster. Hang in there, Joe. Keeps your pants unzipped, and someday you’ll get the call to the big show.

The Daily Memo - 12/17/07

check.jpg“Hollywood puppet Congressdude wants harder, more draconian DMCA with no safe harbor.” I wish this line was more clear about how the author really feels. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgOnce again, NY law firm Wachtell has given its associates a hefty 100% bonus. (Above the Law)

check.jpgGiggle … in the post I just mentioned, Lat linked to a post from a year ago, where some of the comments rightfully take him to task for his infuriatingly stupid use of the royal “we,” even well telling obvious first-person stories. (Above the Law)

check.jpgBill Moyers had a long chat with Keith Olbermann. (Crooks and Liars)

check.jpgPoor Alberto Gonzalez just can’t catch a break — “The ABA Journal” has changed the name of his “award” from Lawyer of the Year to Newsmaker of the Year. (ABA)

check.jpgSchooling the WSJ Law Blog on the hearsay rule and the Mitchell Report. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgBack to court for Comcast and the NFL Network, this time over claims that the NFL is trying to get folks to leave Comcast. (NFL)

check.jpgDidja know that smoke breaks now kinda-sorta illegal in Burbank, as the city’s 6-month old smoking ban limits the hell out of places where folks can destroy their lungs? (LAist)

check.jpgLate last week, the House passed a ban on waterboarding with a 222-199 vote. (Think Progress)

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Best of QuizLaw, June ‘07

june.jpgBlah blah blah, best of QuizLaw entries, month of June, blah blah blah:

Flea Bites — Modern day lawyers are down with the newfangled internets, so stupid doctors best beware.

“He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” Must Be Furious — Turns out I don’t like ignorant hypocritical hicks.

The Case of the Killer Teddy Bear — Is it wrong that I find that ugly-ass teddy bear kinda cute in a “I’m from Philly and like dirty shit” way?

“Foooooooood Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!” — Three arrests from a food fight? Man, we did things wrong when I was in high school.

Sure, the Colts beat the Eagles 45-21, but in the important match-up, the Indianapolis man beat the homeless man’s nuts, 1-0 — …Sigh, I’m just putting this one up for Dustin. God damned Colts.

The Zodiac Lawyer — I’m shocked - shocked, I says - to learn that law school might just mess you up in the noggin.

HuckaFuck …. — Wherein Dustin gives us a lesson in how Arkansas politics are played.

Bans to the left of me, bans to the right of me — Why does California hate midget KISS cover bands?

I have three reasons for writing this post, and none are particularly admirable — Probably not the most shameless post I’ve ever done, but it’s gotta be in the top five.

Women’s Rights We Can All Agree On — You’re damn straight!

They’re always after me lucky charms! — The first (and I believe, only) QuizLaw Real Time Review.

Shenanigans have officially been declared! — We don’t fuck around.

No, Sir, You May Kindly Go F Yourself — Man, next year’s QuizLaw’s Fuck Your Boss Day is still soooooo far away.

“Lawyers F up everything” — Hey There Vagina How Are Ya.

Sipping on Gin and Juice (Laid Back) — I don’t see the problem here - those babies were living the high life.

That Jesus is a Funny Dude — Yes he is.

Fatty fatty two-by-four — Wherein Dustin and I rave a little about fatty Michael Moore’s Sicko.

We’re #3! We’re #3! — Shenanigans or no shenanigans, number 3 is still number 3.

A punishment worse than death


New Jersey’s state Assembly has approved a measure, already given the “yay” vote from the Senate, which would get rid of the death penalty. And as Governor Jon Corzine has said that he’ll sign it into law, this means Jersey is set to become the first state in over 40 years to put the kibosh on the death penalty (not that the state was a big user of the death penalty in the first place, having last kilt someone in ‘63).

This now means that the worse sentence a criminal in Jersey can be given is life in prison. Which is really a fate worse than death because that amounts to a life in Jersey. …*shiver*

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Mr. Wiiiiiiiiiiilson

dennis-the-menace.jpgNBC Universal has been sued because Conan O’Brien and his filthy, filthy show turned their nasty gay humor gun onto some bodybuilding tool called Dennis “The Menace” James. The Menace is pissed of over a bit Conan did in December ‘05. As The Menace’s complaint puts it:

Conan O’Brien (“hereinafter O’Brien”) showed a Christmas Card which featured the face of 2003 American Idol runner-up, Clay Aiken, smiling on the right side of the card, and the phrase “All I want this year is a White Christmas” on a fold out flap on the left side of the card. O’Brien then opened the left side of the card to reveal the punch line, “…And a Black Body Builder,” above which was a photograph of Plaintiff posing at the 2004 IFBB Mr. Olympia Competition.”

In other words, a man who enjoys hanging around other buff men while greasing himself up is offended — outrageously distressed, I tells you! — over the implication not that he’s gay, but that he might be a lustful object to gay men. Yeah, that’s a real fucking insult.

Welcome to the Jungle Baby. You’re Gonna Die!

B0009X776I.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpgCan you imagine being a school teacher, hanging out in your classroom after hours, when suddenly you hear some crazed custodian scream over the loudspeaker, “You’re in the jungle baby. You’re going to die!”

Yeah, well, that’s what happened a Connecticut teacher, who mistook the custodian’s karaoke session over the school’s PA system as a threat to kill her. So, she barricaded herself in the classroom until police arrived. The cops subsequently handcuffed three teenagers, one of whom was the offending custodian, for around 15 minutes, until they figured out what the hell was going on. And then they all had a nice laugh.

You know, at least they weren’t singing, “Kokomo,” because, really, how haunting would that song sound as sung by a deranged teenager in an empty school? Sounds like a Richard Kelley movie. And personally, I just find it encouraging that teenagers in 2007 know the lyrics to a G n’ R song — maybe this generation is not a lost cause after all.


pwnage.jpgFrom yesterday’s debate, I present my version of the conversation, followed by the brief video clip:

Question asking lady: Obama, how are you really going to be better than the past?

Hillary: Cackle, cackle, cackle, cackle.

Obama: Well, I’ll tell you —

Hillary: Cackle, cackle, cackle.

Obama: PWNAGE!

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Harsh, Dude

DUI343.jpgMan Alive: What’s the most you figure a guy can spend in the clink for a DUI?

Try seven years.

Yeah. A man who refused a breathalyser and denied he was drunk, was sentenced to the maximum possible sentence after getting caught clocking 107 mph with his 11-year-old daughter in the back of the car. It was his fifth DUI conviction.

But that’s probably not why he got such a harsh sentence. It was probably because he was a jackass to the one person you ought to try to be nice to. Indeed, during sentencing, Lance Major told the judge that he didn’t expect justice from a sarcastic judge and, while the judge was reading the sentence, said, “Just speed it up, you’re boring me.”

You know what’s even duller than a judge reading his sentence aloud? Hearing it ring in your ears for seven years.

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The Daily Memo - 12/14/07

check.jpgA woman who spent nine years getting treated for HIV when — whoops — she was clean as a whistle, just got a nice $2.5 million jury verdict. (FindLaw)

check.jpgOne more legal mind just went asplode-y. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpg…Which may help answer the question of why so many lawyers are so depressed. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThe Senate loves geriatric pilots. (FindLaw)

check.jpgTrademark application for “VAJAYJAY” to be used with hair care? …. I have no comment. Just put up the link already. … Seriously, too many foul jokes running through my dirty mind. … Get to the damn link already, would you!? (The Trademark Blog) …thank you.

check.jpgThe top 10 celebrity arrests of 2007? You know I’m linking to that sumbitch! (MTV)

Best of QuizLaw, May ‘07

may.jpgI have nothing to say in furtherance of taking a look back at some of our May posts, so let’s just get to the links….

Fool me once, shame on … shame on you. Fool me…can’t get fooled again — If you can’t trust a hitman, who can you trust?

CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN FOOTBALL-LIKE SUBSTANCE — Sometimes grievances must be aired, even if they don’t have much to do with the law.

A QuizLaw Dramatic Reenactment — Life jackets? We don’t need no stinkin life jackets.

“Can you at least put me in neatly, so I don’t wrinkle?” — Would she have shrunk if the heat was set to high? That’d be an awesome way to start making midgets!

This may be one of my favorite laws, ever — Yup, I still feel that way. Anything involving duels is great.

A political inquiry I can get behind — Man alive, I hate the student loan companies

“Life’s Short. Get a divorce.” — It’s not often that a law-related billboard causes a ruckus.

Look Ma! No hands! (And only one leg) — Stumpy, you’re the best!

Stop raining on our parade! — The nerve of some faculty!

A Stripper Tuesday-Twofer — Well, ok - if you insist.

I Love You so Much I’m Going to Take You behind the Middle School and Get You Pregnant — Tracy Morgan makes women feel dirty and violated. …He makes many men feel that way too.

A Two-Faced Lawyer - Isn’t That an Oxymoron? — QuizLaw puts its mighty weight behind a Gotham City D.A. candidate.

Irony: It’s not Just a River in Egypt — Talky-talky, smashy-smashy.

Don’t Bogart that Buddahfinger — Best pot-related candy ever.

Well that’s one way to get a new trial — Hello Mr. Jury Member Guy. *punch*

The Incredible Exploding Crapper — The entry title, sadly and disgustingly, speaks for itself

Wouldn’t God, Him/Herself, Count as Prior Art? — The PTO has allowed dumber patent applications than this one.

You Really Can Do Anything with Duct Tape — Especially QuizLaw brand duct tape.

Servicemen Tells Superior He’s Gay; Superior Covers Ears

ist2_1332415_american_soldier.jpgIn a report set to air on “60 Minutes” on Sunday, Army Sgt. Darren Manzella says that he told his superior officers that he was gay, and even offered up lascivious visual proof, but was told to get back to his job. Indeed, after he told his commanding officer, Manzella says:

“I had to go see my battalion commander, who read me my rights,” he says. He turned over pictures of him and his boyfriend, including video of a passionate kiss, to aid the investigation. But to his surprise, “I was told to go back to work. There was no evidence of homosexuality,” says Manzella. “‘You’re not gay,’” he says his superiors told him. This response confused him and, he says, the closest a superior officer came to addressing his sexuality was to say “I don’t care if you’re gay or not.”

Stahl apparently talked to a lot of other gay servicemen who admitted that they were out, too; as one guy said, “It’s the ‘Will & Grace’ generation,” so nobody cares.

So, essentially, the policy is still “don’t ask, don’t tell.” But, if you do tell, we’re gonna cover our ears and go “lalalalalalalalala” because, like, dude: We’re strapped. If stop loss is good enough for the heteros, it’s good enough for the gays.

In related news, the 109th Army man this year killed himself, setting a yearly record. Jesus.

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Mmmmmm … beer

guinness.jpgIn Ireland, a crafty Dubliner managed to steal 180 kegs of Guinness from the Guinness brewery. But before we congratulate the thief on his impeccable taste, it should be noted that he also snatched 90 barrels of Carlsberg and 180 kegs of Budweiser.

Apparently, the man just drove his truck up to a loading area, attached a trailer full of beer to his truck, and drove off. I can understand why the brewery might not have the best security around the Bud — who the hell would even want that much Bud? — but they should know to keep the Guinness under lock and key.

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Department of Homemade Orchiectomy

castration-map.gifIf you’re a man, you may not want to read any further; it’s gonna get grisly.

Twenty-seven-year-old Jorey Lee Brewis — aka Rebekah Katherine —- imprisoned for robbery, is now suing the prison and 16 prison officials because she castrated herself after officials refused to deal with her gender-identity problems. She is seeking $10 million and immediate treatment for her disorder; this coming after several attempts in the past to both kill herself and remove her testicles.

And how, you ask, did she castrate herself? With her fingernails:

On Sept. 18, the lawsuit says Brewis castrated himself in his cell using his fingernails “partially based on study of the Gray’s Anatomy book that teaches castration.” It took five hours, involved “extreme mental suffering,” and “a whole roll of toilet paper was used to absorb all of the blood,” the lawsuit says.
“Upon eviscerating the testicles, plaintiff tied off and ligated the epididymus on each bare testicle with hair ties and two rubber bands,” the lawsuit says. Afterward, “plaintiff shredded the deadened testicles and mutilated them to ensure they were dead,” according to the lawsuit.

I think I just passed out.

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Digging Up Bones

humanskull.jpgA former Massachusetts grave digger who recently had a conviction thrown out for killing his wife’s dog, pleaded guilty to … ummm … he what? He stole a human skull and made it into an ashtray?! And he was going to fashion the femur into a pipe?!

Dude, that ain’t right. What a waste of a human skull. Why make an ashtray, when skulls make such wonderful bongs! You haven’t lived until you’ve smoked a quarter ounce out of a dead lady’s eye socket. And femurs make great baseball bats, too — lightweight, sturdy, and easy to grip.

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My Kind of Drunk!

absolut-vodka-in_love.jpgAll this German man wanted to do was fly home for the holidays with enough spirits to get him through another goddamn Christmas with his family. But when the 64-year-old fella had to switch planes, he became apprised of new airport rules which prohibit passengers from carrying on large bottle of liquor without paying a fee.

Sure, he could’ve paid the fee. Or he could’ve tossed the bottle. But my man took the frat boy route, choosing to drink an entire bottle — two pints — of vodka before getting on the plane. And soon enough, he was neither able to stand nor function.

And that, folks, is the only way to fly.

(Actually, he didn’t fly — he was taken to the hospital by paramedics where he nearly died of alcohol poisoning, which won’t be a great story to tell his grandchildren for at least six months.)

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The Daily Memo - 12/13/07

check.jpgPhew — there is justice in this country. The trespassing charges against Shia LeBouf *swoon* have been dropped. (The Superficial)

check.jpgWait, what? You’re saying legislatures are unresponsive? Preposterous! (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgCongrats to Alberto Gonzales for being named The ABA Journal’s lawyer of the year, albeit for less-than-admirable reasons. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgWhen Sharp sues Samsung over LCDs, QuizLaw begs the parties — won’t someone please think of the TVs? (FindLaw)

check.jpgIowa’s House of Representatives passed House Resolution 847, “recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.” (GovTrack.us)

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Best of QuizLaw, April ‘07

april-fool.jpgApril is National Poetry Month, and it also contains a day honoring fools. QuizLaw tends to focus more on the fools than the poems….

It’s Now Always Hard out There for a Pimp — Why work with adults, when you can just pimp your kids?

Choose Your Own QuizLaw — Who didn’t love the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books?

Maxed Out — Dustin luhrves the credit card industry.

Hell yeah, ain’t nothing wrong with having Sambuca with your morning coffee and popping two valiums before going to work! — Drunk Zamboni driving!

Mug Shot Myster — But to be fair, maybe he was just eating-out the Silver Surfer.

Making the Right Choice for Your Children — So many schools, so many problems.

No Balls, No Glory — Man, I’m squirming just from cutting/pasting this link.

Why does Coca Cola hate the Baby Jesus? — …Because he drank Diet Pepsi in the manger?

As with many moments in life, things probably would’ve turned out better if Natalie Portman had been by his side — Suck it Home Depot.

Crim Law Replaced with “The Black Guy Did It” — Man, how come there wasn’t a “Demons and the Law” class at BU?

It’s Naked Tuesday! — It sure is.

My favorite litigant ever — Well, he’s not my favorite litigant anymore (Jonathan Lee Riches will forever hold that title), but I still enjoy his payment plan.

“Why stop at pants? We can probably sue that black, zippered hoodie off of him too.” — Ah, Strongbad, you never cease to amuse.

Can I get a witness? — A donkey testifies!

A QuizLaw story update — I wonder if this is why Marvel Comics ended up having Captain America assassinated.

The Ass Crack Award Goes to … — Yeah, nothing ends a “best of” list like ass crack.

Witness said the bike could be heard crying

broken-bike.jpgThis is the best headline I’ve seen in weeks:

Police: 300-Pound Hooker Robs Reluctant Customer

It gets even better, because after the alleged victim declined the “hefty hooker’s” offer for a “date,” she pushed him off his blue bicycle, wrestled him to the ground, snatched $100 from him, and then took off on his bike.

The article says that “an officer searched the area but couldn’t find the woman.” Because 300-pound hookers on blue bikes are apparently a dime a dozen in … where else … Florida.

And the Lord said unto the Wisemen, “my Son can be found overlooked by Frosty”

snowman.jpgAmericans United for Separation of Church and State is pissed off about the nativity scene that goes up outside of the Walton County Courthouse ever year. Back in July, the group sent a letter to Walton County, complaining that the nativity scene was unconstitutional. So the County Commission has decided to include a snowman this year, giving the scene a secular and non-religious tone.

The Daily Memo - 12/12/07

Whoops - had this all set to go this afternoon, as per usual, and I plum messed it up. Links to legal stories, coming at you as a special midnight treat!

check.jpgPORN! Vivid Entertainment is suing PornoTube over the website’s failure to record the age and names of guys and (mostly, one assumes) gals who show up in the site’s videos. (FindLaw)

check.jpgA shining example of lawyer decorum is now under court supervision after his shady conduct towards the “hot” opposing counsel “girl” who had a “cute little thing going on.” (Law.com)

check.jpgDidja know that the past Year in Ideas includes some legal ideas, like suing God and the right to medical self-defense? (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgDaniel Baldwin would kindly like his arrest warrant tossed because — whoops — his failure to show up at court was just a wee simple mix-up. (LawInfo)

check.jpgThe crazy Ninth Circuit has upheld a lower court decision that some bits of the Patriot Act are unconstitutional. (FindLaw)

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people’s medicine for fuel.

waterston.jpgThose goddamn Robots — they’re taking over the world. If you don’t have Old Glory Insurance, which covers against robot attacks, you best get on it.

And now, they’re screwing with Bill Clinton. But, Slick Willie has an awesome comeback for everything. Even robots. Check it out:

Elsewhere and in other Bill Clinton news, an African-American former UN Ambassador elicited awkward silence when he made a joke at either Clinton’s or Barak Obama’s expense (I can’t decide), saying: “Bill is every bit as black as Barack. He’s probably gone with more black women than Barack.”

I have no idea what to make of that.

It’s Not News. It’s Huh?

farkLogo2.gifSeveral days ago, Drew Curtis — the owner of the most popular site in the history of humanity, Fark.com — filed a trademark application to claim ownership of the acronym, NSFW (“not safe for work”), knowing that — even if it had coined the acronym — that the odds of obtaining the trademark protection is slim. Nevertheless, Curtis filed a legit application and inspired anger from a lot of stick-in-the-butts, who — for some reason — believe that Curtis actually intends on using it to sue all other NSFW websites out of existence.

For Curtis’ part, he’s keeping tight-lipped, declining to comment other than to say: “It would give away where we’re going with this whole thing.” And I have absolutely no theories on why he’d do it, but I’m sure there’s a great reason. But, if you’ve ever read comments on the Fark forums, you’d probably wonder why Curtis didn’t try to trademark “I’d hit that” instead.

The Cough Syrup Made Me Say It

22250819.jpgA Superior Court Judge in the state of Washington has been censured after he said a few inappropriate things during a training conference last year.

Judge John P. Wulle, 57, used profanity, made an obscene gesture after being asked to lower his voice and referred to a group facilitator as “the black gay guy,” according to a nine-page document posted on the Web site of the Commission on Judicial Conduct, which issued the censure Friday at a meeting in this suburb south of Seattle.
At one point, according to the panel’s findings, the facilitator said, “Clark County gets a star” for finishing an assignment and Wulle replied, “I don’t need a star. I’m not a Jew.”

Accused of being drunk during the conference, Wulle denied it, saying — of course — that the odor on his breath was just cough syrup. Yeah — Scotch-flavored cough syrup.

Best of QuizLaw, March ‘07

march.jpgThe March that was….

Arkansas’ Arkansas’s That state where Clinton’s from? At least one legislator is paid too much money! — QuizLaw mocks a state representative, and the representative actually responds, admitting that the the whole thing is rather silly.

This story is just comedy — Seriously, what’s not to love about a dog with a college degree being called to court?

Why are we still listening to an adam’s apple in a dress? — My ad hominem attack of Ann Coulter’s adam’s apple got some folks riled up.

On “Vivid Video Day,” they plan to shroud the city in a giant condom — More proof that San Francisco is the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.

Motion to Kiss My Ass — Great motion or greatest motion?

Yeah, but dude, seriously, I paid for those bagels — The BUSL students love themselves some bagels.

This is fucking brilliant — Yeah, I still love that picture.

What the? — Justice may be blind, but she’s got some sexy golden locks.

Feds Gag Prostitute with Probe — Well that title says it all, don’t it?

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? — SpongeBob SquarePants!

When it rains, it poors — Flooding a courthouse because you’re pissed off just makes sense.

Stupid Is as This Woman Does — So what, throwing acid on your neighbors is a bad thing?

Don’t mess with the bull young man, you’ll get the horns — Here a contempt, there a contempt, everywhere a contempt contempt.

Mother fucking Bush — Yeah, I’m still antsy as hell for Inauguration Day ‘09.

Erin Go Bra-less — Nothing says “St. Patty’s Day” like abortion legislation.

Cat Rape and other Tales from the Seventh Circuit — Well of course I’m going to link to a post with “cat rape” in its title.

What’s 1/3 of 1,000? — We didn’t celebrate our 2,000th post, but we did celebrate number 1,000.


lumberjack.jpgSixty-year old Douglas Hoffman hates trees. He especially hates trees that block the view of the Las Vegas Strip from his Henderson, Nevada home. So when his homeowners’ committee ignored his complaints about the blocked view, Hoffman took matters into his own hand: He spent a year attacking over 500 trees, chopping some trees down, severing the tops off of others, and slicing-up still others so that they’d die.

Hoffman has now been convicted on ten charges and faces up to 35 years in the clink. And I’m guessing his view of the Strip will be real shitty.

As a bonus, check out this choice quote from Hoffman’s wife: “It’s like you can murder someone and it’s OK. But you’re accused of killing trees and it’s like, execute him.”

Friends don’t let friends … nah, screw that guy

best-friends.jpgUp in Canada, eh, Matthew St. Pierre was busted last month for drunk driving. When the cops pulled him over, he didn’t give them his name. Instead, he gave them the name of a friend. The same friend who owned the pickup truck he was drunkenly driving, a truck he didn’t even have permission to be using in the first place. Good friend, that one.

During a subsequent investigation, St. Pierre tried to get his friend to lie for him, but it seems that the friend wasn’t so amenable to this plan. I wonder why.

St. Pierre has since been arrested and faces a host of charges, including: “impaired driving; impersonation with intent to gain advantage; attempting to obstruct or resist a peace officer; taking a motor vehicle without consent; driving while under suspension; and driving a motor vehicle with an open container of liquor.”

The White House Press Secretary is an Idiot

wdana_1029.jpgOn the one hand, at only a few years older than I am, she’s already risen as high as White House Press Secretary. But on the other hand, Dana Perino has absolutely no business being in that position. Who minors in Political Science and obtains a masters in Public Affairs Reporting without ever learning what the hell the Cuban Missile Crisis is? That’s, like, 9th grade civics. But, Perino — like her boss — seems weirdly proud of her ignorance.

Appearing on an episode of the NPR quiz show Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me, which aired over the weekend, Perino recalled a recent White House briefing when a reporter referred to the Cuban Missile Crisis, and she didn’t know what it was.
“I was panicked a bit because I really don’t know about…the Cuban Missile Crisis,” said the 35-year-old Perino. “It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure.”
“I came home, and I asked my husband,” she recalled. “I said, ‘Wasn’t that like the Bay of Pigs thing?’ His response: “Oh, Dana.”

Mrs. Perino: You’re making good-looking blond career women everywhere look bad. Besides, everyone knows that Bay of Pigs was the prequel to Planet of the Apes.

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Douchebags for McCain!

schilling.jpgDamn, McCain. Huckabee gets Chuck Norris to do a television spot for him, and all you can fetch is freakin’ Curt Schilling. They don’t even like Schilling in Boston, man, and he won them two World Series. How huge a douchebag do you have to be to be loathed by an entire city even after you break an 86-year-old curse? A Schilling-sized douchebag, that’s how big. What, was Alex Rodriquez unavailable John? Or are you secretly hoping to lose the G.O.P. primary so you can finally move into that assisted living facility you’ve had your eye on for years?

Here’s the spot, suggesting that McCain has a “backbone of steel.” And in a few months, he can finally rest it on a soft, warm bed where illegal immigrants can change his diaper and bring him a never-ending supply of Scotch.

Haliburton: Screwing Americans Literally and Figuratively

haliburton.jpgHey Haliburton: You’re not supposed to torture the Americans, you dumb shits.

A Houston, Texas woman says she was gang-raped by Halliburton/KBR coworkers in Baghdad, and the company and the U.S. government are covering up the incident.
Jamie Leigh Jones, now 22, says that after she was raped by multiple men at a KBR camp in the Green Zone, the company put her under guard in a shipping container with a bed and warned her that if she left Iraq for medical treatment, she’d be out of a job. …
According to her lawsuit, Jones was raped by “several attackers who first drugged her, then repeatedly raped and injured her, both physically and emotionally.”
Jones told ABCNews.com that an examination by Army doctors showed she had been raped “both vaginally and anally,” but that the rape kit disappeared after it was handed over to KBR security officers.

And you know what’s even more screwed up about this? The Haliburton contractors — thanks to immunity while on Iraqi soil — will likely never face charges. God Bless the U.S.A.

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The Daily Memo - 12/11/07

check.jpgA Florida woman’s credit just got a little better after winning almost $3 million in a lawsuit against Equifax. (Orlando Sentinel)

check.jpgThe Supremes ruled, in two 7-2 decisions, that the federal guidelines for sentencing crackheads are only advisory and that, in general, judges have more discretion to impose lighter sentences. (SCOTUSblog & WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpg“This legal dispute is sponsored by the letter W.” (KSALLink)

check.jpgTurns out you might just get into a bit of legal trouble if you stab a sea lion. (Mercury News)

check.jpgA British man has received a suspended sentence after slugging an 8-year-old in the face for violating his “no trick-or-treat” policy. (BBC News)

check.jpgA bunch of former generals and admirals think “don’t ask, don’t tell” should be repealed. (Stars and Stripes)

Best of QuizLaw, February ‘07

february.jpgWe continue our look back on the QuizLaw year that was by turning to the month of Valentine lovers and groundhogs…

Can I see my license and registration please? — A respectable police chief.

A Call to Arms Breasts! — The National Pork Board hates breast-feeding.

Chewbacca…what a wookie! — When good wookies go bad.

Well, That All Depends — Everyone’s favorite astronaut.

Hollywood Endorsements 101, brought to you by The Learning Annex — A mostly-shameless excuse to put up some hot pictures of Charlize Theron, Esquire’s current Sexiest Woman Alive.

Peyton Manning is a whiny bitch — Seriously, he’s totally a whiny bitch.

Alberto Gonzales is despicable — He sure is.

Up up down down left right left right B A cross-examination! — I still don’t understand who the hell would play this game.

Scalia’s a huge dick — He sure is.

Scalia’s daughter is also a huge dick — She sure is.

Ode to the Crunchwrap Supreme — Crunchwrap-induced violence is the best kind of violence.

Blawgers are Dirty Swingers — They sure are.

Hahahahaha….Perez Hilton Sucks! — He sure does.

Drunk People are So Nice — We sure are.

Landshark — Why can’t Dubya and the Dems just play nice?

Man’s Best Friend Takes on an Entirely New Meaning — Nothing says love like a dead dog.

The Used Car King Says: Bring Your Baby — The story is whatever, but the video at the end is still a classic.

You’re not the boss of me!

temper-tantrum.jpgMargaret McIntyre is a Virginia Beach pediatrician, and one has to wonder what her bedside manner is like after hearing this story. Dr. McIntyre had received one of the things everyone loves to get in the mail — a jury duty notice. She showed up to court at the alloted time and asked the judge to be excused. Her request was denied, and the judge asked her to come back to the court to explain why she was, as the judge heard it, being rude to the court’s clerks.

So Dr. McIntyre came back to the court and went on a 15-minute rant, at one point whining:

I just can’t believe I have to come down here for jury duty and be treated like this. This is incredible. This is like a nightmare out of an American sitcom. You have nothing better to do than to harass an American citizen who’s done nothing.

The Judge suggested she leave and come back with a lawyer, as she was going to have to deal with a contempt of court charge, and she didn’t take so kindly to that either:

“Oh, great. So I have to spend a thousand billion dollars now again on lawyers for something that I didn’t even want to do to start with,” she continued.
“Ma’am, I don’t think that we can accomplish anything more today,” [Judge] Stillman said. “I’m trying to be as fair to you as I can.”
“Well, you’re not talking to me like a person,” she said. “I’m not in preschool, you know. I’m not a kindergartner. I don’t need to be sat down and told to sit like a dog.”
As McIntyre continued, trying to argue with the judge over the meaning of the word “contemptuous,” Stillman had had enough.
“The marshals are directed to remove this prospective juror from the courtroom,” he ordered.
“Don’t touch me,” McIntyre said to the marshals before storming out of the building.

She also explained some governmental civics to the courtroom, shouting:

He’s not the president. He’s a judge. He’s a federal employee that ought to be doing something important orther than treating me like this.

I dunno. You ask me, Judge Stillman was doing something quite important, allowing the whole world to peer through the window into your bitchy soul.

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Prison Break

brison-break.jpgIn England, a woman was recently caught, in the early hours of a Sunday morning, trying to break out of a prison on the Isle of Sheppey. A prison staffer caught sight of her trying leave the prison, and she readily stood out because Standford Hill happens to be an all-male prison.

Seems the gal’s best man is a prisoner at Standford Hill, and she had snuck in earlier by hopping a fence. The woman and her incarcerated hubby made off to his cell, where, as a source put it, they had “a romp.” All went according to plan until her unfortunate capture on the way out.

Where’s Michael Scofield when you need him?

The NIE Explained, with the Assistance of a Kitten

Have you always wanted to understand the intricacies of the National Intelligence Estimates and how they can help us go to war with Iran, but were waiting for a talking kitten and cute pictures of politician bobble-asses to help out?

Well, the Department of Explaining Things Good is here for you.

Yikes! Put Away Your Laser Pointer

800px-Green-lased_palm_tree_%28crop%29.jpgNote to readers: Never point a laser pointer at a helicopter. Even for shits and giggles. You may provoke a manhunt and face possible felony charges. For reals:

State police pilots were on a routine security mission, guarding a liquid natural gas tanker, as it was near shore at about 9:15 p.m. Saturday night, Bousquet said. They noticed a laser light touching their helicopter. Using sophisticated equipment on their helicopter, including cameras, they pinpointed the origin of the light as somewhere in the Medford-Somerville area, Bousquet said.
The search was on — involving authorities from the U.S. Coast Guard, the state police, the Medford Police Department and the Somerville Police Department. About 90 minutes later, police found an adult male. Bousquet would not say exactly how police found him, nor would he identify the man because charges have not been filed at this time, though “illuminating an aircraft” is a federal offense. He said the investigation was turned over to federal officials.
The light never interfered with the pilots’ vision, nor is there any link to a terrorist threat, Bousquet said.

Stick to annoying patrons at movie theaters by pointing your laser at character’s crotches, boys and girls. It’s less likely to elicit the authorities.

But, seriously: How’d they find the guy?

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Thank God Bernie Goetz Wasn’t Around

Train.jpgI got the tar knocked out of me by a girl once — a petite, foul-mouthed 11th grader, who mistook me for some guy that flipped her off (it wasn’t me, I swear). She confronted me in a friend’s backyard with her very large boyfriend in tow, who told me that if I touched her, he’d kick the crap out of me. So, basically, I stood there and took around five closed-punch blows the mouth and nose and thanked my luck stars it wasn’t worse.

I mention this in light of the much-discussed video below, in which a group of girls beat the hell out of a guy on the “A” Train in NYC. The video was filmed by Kadejra Holmes, who is a high school student and aspiring filmmaker, and her background has led to questions about the video’s legitimacy. Was it staged? I think not. Take a look (and the good stuff occurs during the last 30 seconds). And, of course, if subway beatings aren’t your thing, the next video may be: Subway stripping. Enjoy.

The Daily Memo - 12/10/07

check.jpgRay Liotta happily pleaded no contest to reckless driving, probably because it let him avoid the thorny issue of why Billy Batts was in his trunk. (FindLaw)

check.jpgDoes Wil Wheaton want to punch babies because he really hates the DMCA, or is his DMCA hatred just a convenient excuse to unload on some babies? (WWdN: In Exile)

check.jpgThe “Family Guy” folks are getting sued again, and it’s still not about how a formerly good show got so bad and mundane and redundant. (43(B)log)

check.jpgThe Senate Judiciary Committee approved a bill allowing Supreme Court proceedings to be televised, so now it goes to the Senate floor. (CNN)

check.jpgHey Bush, is your refrigerator running? (Big HEad DC)

check.jpgMadonna … a co-op board … fight! (FindLaw)

check.jpgLouisiana musician … Kid Rock … no more fight! (FindLaw)

check.jpgTrip to the strip club leads to a nice $102.7 million dollars … although it also took getting shot in the neck and becoming a quadriplegic. (Law.com)

Best of QuizLaw, January ‘07

january.jpgWith the year coming to a close, we take a look back at some of our favorite QuizLaw posts from January….

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems — Chief Justice Johnny would like more than the meager $212,000 he earns right now, thank you very much.

Harvard Law School: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy — “I’m in Harvard Law School!”

50 Cent Ain’t Got Nothing on Joshua Bush — Never fuck with a Texan, because they got guns and will shoot sumbitches dead.

WARNING: QuizLaw is not intended to be used as an anti-depressant or a cure for erectile dysfunction — You gotta love stupid warning labels.

It’s hard out here for a Philly fan — Michael Strahan is still a big fat liar, and “fuck da Eagles” indeed.

SWF Seeking Pompous Self-Important Asshole — The most eligible bachelor ever.

Bad boy, bad boys, watcha gonna do — A one-act featuring the best police chief ever.

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the gavel again — Some judges get extra excited.

Engadget welcomes our new ant farm overlords — Of ant farms and trademarks.

Proving Once Again the Dangers of a Law Degree — And we wonder why folks hate lawyers.

Modern-era criminal, thy name is stupidity

money.jpgThree gentlemen in the fine state of Georgia decided to use a printer, purchased from the local Target, to make some fake money. Fair enough.

But when they returned the printer to Target, wouldn’t you know, they left some of their work product in the printer:

A clerk told police she was checking the package returned by Michael Jerome Chatman, 35, of Harlem, when she saw a piece of paper inside the printer. On it were copies of a $20 and $10 bill, according to a Richmond County sheriff’s report.
Police say Chatman quickly grabbed the printer and ran from the store but was stopped by a Richmond County deputy outside. Police arrested Diamond Tiara Green, 30, and Kotto Yaphet Green, 24, both of the 3300 block of Jonathan Circle, and Chatman on charges of second-degree forgery, the report says. Upon frisking Chatman, police found a real $20 bill that they said matched the copy inside the printer.


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Who were they? And as a follow-up question, can we crown them?

cardinals-logo.jpgIf you’re a football fan, you surely know and love former Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green’s infamous press-conference meltdown after they spectacularly blew a chance to upset the Chicago Bears. Hell, Coors Light is using it in their ridiculous ad campaign, so you probably know it even if you aren’t a football fan (and if you still have no idea what I’m talking about, you can check out the video after the jump, and giggle quietly to yourself).

So Denny has decided to try to cash in on his infamy by filing a trademark application for “They Are Who We Thought They Were.” Seems that Denny wants to stick his quote up on all sorts of crap: hats, shirts, jogging pants and even sweat bands.

At first, I was a bit disappointed at the lack of creativity here, just thinking about putting a slogan on the same crap everyone else puts slogans on. But then I remembered Denny Green’s coaching style, and it all made sense.*

*(For you non-football fans, Dennis Green is a terrible coach — uncreative, lacking in charisma and, aside from this video clip, entirely unremarkable.)

Is Bush dishonest or transcendently stupid?

To borrow one of my favorite quotes from “The Simpsons,” can’t it be a little from column A and a little from column B?

In any event, Keith Olbermann had another one of his special comments last night, ripping Bushy and his administration a new one. Feast on some righteous indignation (if the YouTube clip gets taken down or you prefer some old-school reading, here’s the transcript):

Your Serve, Dems

07126185119_Bernie-Ward-185.jpgDamnit — this back and forth is killing me. First, a Democrat tries to piddle one kiddie, then a Republican is convicted of piddling two kiddies, and now a Democrat has returned serve, surrendering himself to authorities on accusations of child porn. And this guy is not only a well-known liberal radio talk show host, but a former Catholic priest who has a well known radio program called “God Talks” And apparently, God talks about rubbing one off to images of 9-year-old tykes.

Oh, but wait — Bernie Ward has an excuse! He was doing research. For a book. On child porn! Of course. Of course! Absolve this man. It was research!

What’s so surprising is that this man is a former Catholic priest. I never would’ve guessed.

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GOP to Dems: I See Your Pedophilia and Raise You a Child Sex Scandal

nielsen.jpgThe other day, after Democratic Senator Maria Cantwell’s scheduler got caught trying to get into the pants of a 13-year-old pube-less adolescent, it looked briefly like the Democrats were finally going to steal the limelight away from the Republicans in the field of sexual perversity. But the G.O.P. has come back with a child sex scandal of their own. And this guy is not a mere scheduler, he “has extensive personal ties to Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R.) and Orange County Republican Party boss Scott Baugh.”

Those crazy Republicans — they just won’t give up without a fight, will they? Anyway, Jeffrey Ray Nielsen — who claimed the liberal media was out to get him — finally admitted earlier this week that the goddamn liberal media was right all along: He has pleaded guilty to committing lewd acts on two young boys, 12 and 14. And by lewd acts, I suspect what they mean is one helluva zerbert! And while he was charged with enough crimes to put him in prison for a decade, he got off with only a three-year prison sentence.

Hmm … I wonder why? I think I’ll just blame it on the liberal media.

(H/T Wonkette)

The Daily Memo - 12/7/07

check.jpgThis GeekLawyer post is just the type of thing one might expect to read on QuizLaw and “yikes” indeed. (GeekLawyer)

check.jpgThe Scalia thinks that maybe, just maybe, O.J. is a stabby-stabby murder-murder type. The Scalia always could see through the bullshit. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgThe state of Texas is so racist — it’s decided that non-working fire hydrants should be painted black. (Overlawyered)

check.jpgTake a guess at whether the White House (a) carefully preserved millions of e-mails or (b) illegally deleted over 10 million of them. (Crooks and Liars)

check.jpgThe Seventh Circuit gives an inmate some advice on scoring some Jennifer Aniston. (CNN)

check.jpgThe House of Representatives has passed some bat-shit crazy legislation because we. must. protect. the. children. (Gizmodo)

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The wee wee-wee defense

flasher.jpgOn the other side of the pond, Michael Carney was facing a host of charges relating to exposing himself to women. And the alleged flasher presented an interesting defense during his trial, claiming that he was so ashamed of his small pecker that he’d never intentionally share it:

It causes embarrassment to myself, even to the point where it is with my wife. I wouldn’t want myself to be seen in public like that. My genitals are underdeveloped and it is so much smaller than average.

Carney went on to show the jury pictures of his Little Brit, but the jury was having none of it, convicting him of six different flashings. Even if they did buy his argument, one imagines they might’ve convicted him anyway, just as punishment for being forced to look at pictures of his little man. Cheerio!

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It’s good to be the judge

airport-security.jpgSuppose you have a permit to carry a concealed weapon, and you keep a gun in your purse because you’ve received death threats before. Makes sense. And maybe you’re running late for the airport and forget to take the gun from your purse. When the loaded gun is found in your purse at a security checkpoint, you would undoubtedly get in a bit of trouble. And I assure you that you’d get prosecuted.

But if you’re a judge, not so much. County prosecutors in Ann Arbor, Michigan, have decided not to charge a judge who had this exact scenario happen to her because they say “[t]here’s insufficient proof” that she knowingly possessed the handgun.

For fuck’s sake. As I say, there’s no way that average Joe Citizen wouldn’t have the book thrown at them. I declare major shenanigans here.

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Screw the Troops! There’s Touch Football to be Played!

Hey, remember when Mitt Romney — while supporting the huge troop surge in Iraq — said that his sons didn’t enlist in the army because they are doing something just as important: Supporting his campaign for the presidency!

So, instead of going to war in support of Romney’s policies, here are Mitt’s sons putting in the tough work of supporting their father’s campaign. Looks like a huge sacrifice.

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Karma is a Bitch

karma.jpgKyle Gavin Barry should’ve listened to Carson Daly’s theories on Karma, as Earl Hickey once did. Because fucking with it just cost him his life.

Indeed, yesterday morning at around 1 a.m., Barry left his Dodge Caravan to confront a man he had been tailgating for awhile. The man, thinking that Barry was a police officer, pulled over. Barry then identified himself as an FBI Agent, but when the other motorist asked for his ID, Barry punched the man in the face and broke his glasses.

Afterwards, Barry walked calmly back to his car, got in, and was subsequently run over by a dumptruck and killed.

That crazy Karma — sometimes it takes its own sweet time, while other times, it strikes like a cobra.

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Won’t someone please think of the strippers?

stripperLegs.jpgDancing gals in a Sarasota, Florida strip club are pissed off. A proposed local ordinance would ban all booze from strip clubs and require dancers to stay at least six feet away from the fine gentlemen visiting their establishment. There’s only one strip club in Sarasota, so the Cheetah Lounge is the only place that would be impacted by this ordinance.

A majority of commissioners for the city said they wouldn’t support banning booze. Presumably because they like to drink while watching the Cheetah ladies. I mean, beer and strippers go together like pretzels and mustard. Sure, you can enjoy the latter without the former, but it’s just not American that way.

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The Daily Memo - 12/6/07

check.jpgThat driving instructor from the Borat flick finally decided to sue. (Cinematical)

check.jpgTeri Hatcher and her “youthful” face are being sued by Hydroderm. (Webster’s is My Bitch)

check.jpgThe Copyright Royalty Board has set new licensing fees for satellite radio. (Engadget)

check.jpgOh those wacky British judges and the “bits of dead horse” on their head. (GeekLawyer)

check.jpg“It was the best of habeas, it was the worst of habeas.” (Slate)

check.jpgA court has ruled that the DNC can fire up its punishment machine against Florida because it set an early primary election. (FindLaw)

The Smeller’s the Feller

williamhoover.jpgWarning: If you see the man to the right, keep your distance. He’s armed and flatulent.

William Hoover, 32, pulled out a semi-automatic rifle at Wheeler’s Beverage Barn and shot at three people who teased him about passing gas, a Chemung County sheriff’s investigator said.
The incident began inside the store after 6 p.m., where Hoover got into an argument with the three people who teased him about his flatulence, deputies said.
When the argument moved outside and turned physical, Hoover ran to his car, pulled out a semi-automatic rifle, and shot at the three people, deputies said.

Dude: If you don’t want people making fun of your farts, don’t ask them to pull your finger.

M-I-C … See you in court!

goofy-baseball.jpgAn Italian court has issued a summons for Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Tweety and Daisy Duck to appear in court to testify in a counterfeiting case. …Yes, you read that right. These imaginary characters have been ordered to appear in court and give testimony in a criminal case involving a Chinese man accused of making fake Disney and Warner Brothers products.

Now most folks seem to think this is merely a case of clerical error, that the court clerks merely screwed the pooch by writing the cartoon characters’ names on the witness list. But if you ask me, this sounds like just the kind of bullshit Goofy would pull. That motherfucker was never trustworthy — just look at him up there, trying to cheat in the baseball game with all them bats.

“What the hell is Goofy?” I’ll tell you, young and fat Jerry O’Connell. He’s a fucking prick, that’s what.

“To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all life’s problems!”

to-alcohol.jpgMichael Edward likes to get his drink on. And then he likes to take his riding mower out for a cruise on the highway. Turns out, that still counts as drunk driving, don’t you know. Especially when you’re driving your mower into oncoming traffic.

This of course led to a police chase and, once the cops snagged him, Edward blew over three times the legal limit on two Breathalyzer tests.

This was in Florida, naturally, so the cops likely weren’t surprised in the least. If it had instead been in Jersey, the cops might’ve asked Edward where he had gotten his drink on. That’s because Jersey has joined a few other states in going after the bars that let folks get too drunk. The “Last Drink Initiative” tries to keep track of where the drunks are coming from, hoping to identify “problem locations.” But come on — can you blame anyone who lives in Jersey for wanting to drink until they’re blind on any given night?

Speaking of Florida and beer, by the by — where else would a man file a lawsuit claiming that beer hurt him?

That’s A Lot of Fake Orgasms

mariacarolina.jpgMan, I’m a guy, and even I can’t read this story without walking funny for three days.

A Chilean prostitute has auctioned 27 hours of sex to raise money for the country’s largest charity during an annual fund-raising campaign.
Maria Carolina (pictured) became an overnight celebrity in the conservative Roman Catholic country, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to the televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening.
“I’ve already auctioned off the 27 hours of love,” Maria Carolina told Reuters on Wednesday, saying she had raised about $4,000. “One of my clients already paid. It seemed like a good deed to him.”
Adult prostitution is legal in Chile. Chile’s two-day Teleton fundraiser is endorsed by television stars and aims to raise funds for poor, disabled children.

That’s a woman dedicated to the cause.

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Today’s Lesson: Keep Your Sperm to Yourself

spermdonor.jpgA New York man, out of the goodness of his heart, donated sperm to a friend 18 years ago, with a verbal understanding that he’d never be held financially responsible for the boy’s care. Well, now the kid wants to go to college and Mom is fresh out of cash, so why not sue Donor Dad for tuition, right?

What’s even more remarkable is that a judge is actually considering imposing child support on the unidentified man, claiming that — by sending out a few birthday cards and the occasional check — he’s created a fatherly relationship, thus creating a legal duty to pay support. The verbal agreement between mom and donor does not void the legal status of fatherhood.

But what about common decency? You can’t even do something nice anymore without being hit with a lawsuit. In fact, the judge won’t even allow the guy a paternity test to ensure that he’s the actual father — that tramp could’ve been accepting sperm donations from anyone!

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Pointless Britney Post

britney-spears-loses-custody.jpgCan I be frank? I mean — there is absolutely no one on Earth I care about less than Britney Spears — I am appallingly indifferent to her existence. I certainly have no affection for her, but neither can I work up the requisite distaste I should have, either. I think she’s a little mental; I think she’s let other people control her life for so long that, once she allowed herself to make her own decisions, she failed to recognize that she’s not the type that ought to be making her own decisions. Whatever — she’s basically just like 70 percent of the women I went to school with, and only a stroke of luck and a Catholic school girl outfit has saved her from their fate: Trailer parks, dirty kids, smoker’s cough at 27, and two years of welfare followed by a lifelong dedication to procuring SSD benefits.

Anyway, I bring this up because, in legal news, child welfare services is officially looking into multiple child abuse and neglect allegations on the part of Spears. The investigation stems from allegations coming out of her divorce papers and, of course, photographic evidence obtained by every paid photographer on the West Coast. And while I have no doubt that these kids are probably being raised in all manner of fucked up ways, doesn’t child services have more urgent cases to look after besides spending so much of its very limited resources on a multimillionaire starletard who probably has a reasonably decent nanny and an entourage to look after the little ones? Is this all for show, or does the agency actually give a damn? I’m sure she’s a shitty mom, but so far, the only real evidence of abuse they have is a picture of her driving with her son on her lap, which is messed up, but it’s not like she’s torturing her kids and locking them in her basement.

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The Daily Memo - 12/5/07

check.jpgJa! You can sell ze iPhone, T-Mobile, und zee other companies can do nussing! (FindLaw)

check.jpgGet a six year sentence for threatening a judge once, shame on you. Get another six year sentencing for threatening two judges … won’t be fooled again. (The Legal Reader)

check.jpgThe Iowa Court hates Christian prisoners. (FindLaw)

check.jpgYou can violate my dur process, but you can never violate … my due frocess! (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgBest warning in a court opinion ever: “We think it only fair to suggest that the reader might want to be sitting in a comfortable chair, with a cup of strong coffee nearby.” (The Legal Reader)

check.jpgIs it ethical to prank your roommate into thinking he failed the MPRE? I dunno, but it sure is disappointingly boring. (Above the Law)

check.jpgDennis Quaid and his wife are suing the makers of Herparin, the drug which was mistakenly given to his newborn twins in a 10,000 unit dose instead of a 10 unit dose, because the dose bottles look the same. (The Superficial)

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I’ll give you the first Hershey Ice Breaker for free, but after that, you gonna have to pay like everyone else!

ice-breakers.jpgWilliam Blackburn, chief of the Philly police, is a bit pissed at the Hershey Company right now. Seems that they’ve released a new non-chocolate product called Ice Breakers Pacs. These Pacs are little dissolvable pouches filled with a powdered sugar product, and the Police Chief says they look a bit too much like drug packets. He’s worried that some kid might find a heat-sealed bag of drugs and, thinking it’s one of these tasty Hershey sweets, swallow it.

“It glorifies the drug trade. There’s really no reason that a product like this should be on the shelf.”

But not so fast, says Hershey. Each pouch has a logo on it! So it’s totally not meant to look like drugs, and there’s no way kids would be confused. Hershey declined to comment on the new ad campaign, however, which features Tony Montana throwing handfuls of the Ice Breakers Pacs to children while shouting “say hello to my icy-fresh little friends.”

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A Lawsuit Waiting to Happen

I can’t blame the newscasters for losing it a bit in this clip — I mean, eegads. But we all know it’s a matter of when, not if, she sues the doctor, right?

Woman Pissed Bout New Butt Implants - Watch more free videos

Well, So Much For Britain Liking Us

union%20jack.jpgIn their latest attempt to figuratively shove a boot into the crotch of our country’s waning credibility, the US government has now stated, in court, that it has the right to kidnap any British citizen it wants for any crime, not just terrorism.

AMERICA has told Britain that it can “kidnap” British citizens if they are wanted for crimes in the United States.
A senior lawyer for the American government has told the Court of Appeal in London that kidnapping foreign citizens is permissible under American law because the US Supreme Court has sanctioned it.
The admission will alarm the British business community after the case of the so-called NatWest Three, bankers who were extradited to America on fraud charges. More than a dozen other British executives, including senior managers at British Airways and BAE Systems, are under investigation by the US authorities and could face criminal charges in America.
Until now it was commonly assumed that US law permitted kidnapping only in the “extraordinary rendition” of terrorist suspects.
The American government has for the first time made it clear in a British court that the law applies to anyone, British or otherwise, suspected of a crime by Washington.

I don’t know what is more depressing: that they went ahead and took it to this extreme, that the British courts were actually surprised, or that my cynicism has reached such levels that I saw this coming a mile away.

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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. But friends do, apparently, give their friends a busted jaw when they ask for their keys

car-keys.jpgEric Johnson went out for a night of drinks with his friend and co-worker Brian Beaulieu. The two apparently had quite a night, and Johnson decided that Beaulieu was in no condition to drive. So he did what MADD tells us all to do, and asked Beaulieu for his keys. Beaulieu (god damned that name is a pain in the ass to type!) didn’t take kindly to being told he couldn’t drive, and a fight ensued. Johnson got slugged and — crack — he got a fractured face for his troubles.

Three surgeries later, he sued Beaulieu for $413,000, and he won, although the jury only awarded him $138,000. Beaulieu’s lawyer says they may appeal the decision because, even though Beaulieu admits slugging Johnson, he apparently doesn’t think he should have to pay for Johnson’s trouble.

Dude, the guy had to have a plate inserted into his face to hold his busted jaw together. When he was just trying to help a brother out. Pay him, quit drinking, and shut the fuck up.

Dems are Kiddy Piddlers, Too!

donkey7.gifSexual perversity is not just for Republicans anymore! Over the weekend, a senate aide to Democratic Senator Maria Cantwell, a man by the name of James McHaney, 28, was picked up by the FBI after the aide arranged an afternoon liaison with a 13-year-old boy, otherwise known as “a cooperating witness.”

According to the Smoking Gun:

The [cooperating witness] and McHaney were conversing online Friday afternoon when the CW asked whether McHaney was interested in engaging in anal sex with a 13-year-old boy. “I’ll be there,” McHaney allegedly replied. He later asked for a photo of the child with whom he and the CW would have sex and whether the boy had “any pubes.” When told no, McHaney allegedly replied, “That’s hot.” McHaney was nabbed in the lobby of an unnamed “predetermined location,” where he had arranged to meet [the witness].

Apparently, McHaney is not a believer in the “grass on the field” maxim. Unfortunately for Democrats hoping to overtake the G.O.P. in high-profile sex scandals, McHaney was only a lowly scheduler for Cantwell. Better luck next time, Democrats.

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There’s no place like home

phillyPD.jpgYou know, sometimes I really miss Philly. Sure, it’s dirty and grimy. Yes, some of the denizens are less than stellar human beings. But that all gives the place character. You know what else gives a city character? Crippling crime. Which is why I’m not missing Philly so much right now.

There was just a Mayoral election so, next January, Michael Nutter steps into the shoes of current lame-duck Mayor Street. And Nutter has promised that one of the things he will do on his first day in office is declare a crime emergency. His likely police commissioner agrees with this plan, because things have gotten so disturbingly out of control.

I don’t think Philly has a lot of money in its budget, but if I might make a recommendation? The first thing incoming-Mayor Nutter should purchase:


Seriously, nobody’s better equipped for cleaning a city of crime than Batman, right? Hell, even the Adam West incarnation could probably help somewhat.

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The Daily Memo - 12/4/07

check.jpgWhat? “Larry Craig might be gay.” Get outta here! (Rhymes with Duck)

check.jpgOh man, poor Geeklawyer. He “just got arse raped in court.” (GeekLawyer’s Blog)

check.jpg“The Supreme Court plays Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.” (Slate)

check.jpgApple and AT&T have been sued over the iPhone’s visual voicemail. (Engadget)

check.jpgBloggers be damned — this trial is staying right here. (FindLaw)

Well England still kinda’ likes us, sorta maybe

giuliani-drag.jpgTurns out that Andrew Sullivan is Rudy Giuliani’s biggest supporter. He was on the “Chris Matthews Show” over the weekend, and gave a wholehearted endorsement, saying quite simply: “Vote for Giuliani!”

Sure, there are a few words that come before that endorsement, but I don’t think they make it anything less than wholehearted:

Rudy, actually, is a little seedy in some of his affairs. And the way he runs things, very much a personal fiefdom; very much, personal loyalty. We know, for example, he won’t fire a priest on his staff who has been very credibly accused of child molestation. Says “he’s one of the finest people I know.” This is a man who trusts his own judgment, rewards his own friends, and keeps his own counsel. Now if you think that Dick Cheney’s been a great Vice President, you’ll love Rudy Giuliani as President.
…He loves a fight, and I think this is a big liability in foreign policy. If you think America needs more enemies; if you think America needs to alienate more countries — Vote for Giuliani!

I dunno, sounds like a hell of a campaign add to me.

You Are All a Part of The Devil’s Family

god_hates_fags.jpgThe Westboro Baptist Church and it’s leader, ass-crazy fuckstick, Fred Phelps, are apparently not content to just lose an $11 million lawsuit to a family that sued after the church picketed outside their son’s funeral. No, the “God Hates F*gs” brigade is back, and now they’re looking to get sued for copyright infringement after putting together a vile, disgusting “remake” of “We Are the World,” titled, “God Hates the World.”

Sample lyrics: “God hates the world, and all her people. You every one face a fiery day for your proud sinning … God Hates the World … and All Her People (That Means You!).” But what’s so depressing about this video — the thing that actually makes me angry to the point of tears — is the number of poor fucking kids spitting out this gibberish. And smiling about it. God damn — what kind of fucked up parents allow this to happen? Check out the last 20 seconds, and find yourself fighting the urge to call child services.

God Hates the World - Watch more free videos

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Not Mayor of the Year

mayor-honeypot.jpgThe mayor of Poteet, Texas is quite a guy. Lino Donato pleaded guilty in October to three counts of indecent conduct, after he got busted for exposing himself to two girls and improperly touching one of them. Real winner, that guy. And because Donato is now a registered sex offender, he has to stay over 1,000 feet away from any places where the kids hang out.

Well less than 1,000 fee from Poteet City Hall, you can find a Youth Center, which means that the mayor is prohibited from actually going to City Hall.

And yet, Donato has no intention of resigning before the expiration of his term in May 2009. This despite the fact that he cannot effectively conduct his job — for example, he’s required to attend city council meetings, which he now can’t go to, since they take place in City Hall. A former D.A. notes that this is kind of a problem, and one of the council members says that Donato absolutely should resign. But Donato is apparently a pig headed sumbitch who doesn’t care about what’s good for the city.

I can’t wait to see what kind of reelection campaign he tries to mount. Asshat.

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Mayor of the Year

curse-words.jpgWill Wynn is the Mayor of Austin, Texas. One day in October he noticed a construction truck blocking traffic on one of the small city’s streets. So he walked over to the construction site, pulled a “do you know who I am” on them, and then busted out a string of threatening profanities. Wynn admits to it, saying:

I spewed a fog of profanity that is still floating down Shoal Creek someplace. I’m sorry if my language offended (the construction workers’) sensibilities.

First of all, I highly doubt anything Mayor Wynn spewed could’ve really offended the sensibilities of a construction worker. Second of all, “spewed a fog of profanity?” That’s a fantastic turn of phrase. I want this guy to be my Mayor!

Leave the Listserv Alone: Tales from Cornell Law

item_zm_th_17.jpgMy significant other, known elsewhere as Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate, is a 3L at Cornell Law School, so I’m privy to some of the goings on there. Every year around finals time, the law school’s listserv explodes with wackos. Clearly, stuck in the law school library in the bowels of Ithaca, NY, sustained by only lukewarm coffee and pizza bagels at CBT, and deprived of social interaction for weeks at a time, something happens to these poor souls, many of whom lash out at 2 a.m. on the school-wide listserv. It’s usually five or six people who dominate the discussions, exchanging crackpot theories, taunting one another, and — very often — revealing their inner douchebag. Unfortunately for the rest of the school, when they decide to take a mini-break from their studies and check for emails from home, their inboxes are inundated with countless screeds and nonsense. Very often, asking the culprits to take their kvetching off the listserv only leads to more jackassery. However, each semester for the last five, there’s always been a voice of levity in the proceedings, who almost makes the whole scene worthwhile.

And this semester, he’s stepped it up, taking it to YouTube in this hilarious parody.

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Law School Wasn’t a Complete Waste After All!

wrk_squats1.jpgOne of the more torturous lessons in first-year property class is the week spent on adverse possession (remember “choate”? Continuous, Hostile, Open, Actual, for the requisite period of Time, and Exclusive), particularly given just how infrequent the issue actually arises in property law.

Well, all that hard work has finally paid off because we here at QuizLaw have found an actual adverse possession case, one — in fact — in which the adverse possessor won. In Boulder, CO a judge has ordered property owners, Don and Susie Kirlin, to sign over nearly 35 percent of their “4,750-square-foot lot to their neighbors, who said in court that they knowingly trespassed on their neighbor’s property unchallenged for 25 years.” The Kirlins, who have already expended over $100,000 in legal fees, will appeal, after the ruling made their $1 million lot essentially useless, as they are now unable to build their dream house on it.

And for our readers unfamiliar with adverse possession, it’s a little-used law that allows someone to basically trespass — or squat — on a piece of land for a certain number of years (18 in this case) and thereby acquire ownership of it without paying for it.

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The Daily Memo - 12/3/07

check.jpgThwap thwap! “The FCC cuts Comcast off at the knees.” (Gizmodo)

check.jpgDennis Rodman is being sued by a former beverage manager at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because he allegedly grabbed her ass and rubbed up against her. (Yahoo! News)

check.jpgHulk Hogan: “No way am I taking this divorce lightly, brother!” (The Superficial)

check.jpgStarbucks is being sued because it allegedly hates old people. (Portland Press Herald)

check.jpgA guy gets a tax refund for over $2 million, when he’s only expecting a $15 refund, and he actually returns it to the state. (Daily Herald)

check.jpgWhen you call the cops and they show up to help you, I dunno, maybe you don’t want to insult them and threaten to kick their ass. (The Morning Call)

check.jpgA British man burned down his home so that his wife wouldn’t get it in the divorce. (Daily Mail)

I’m guessing she didn’t bake him a “welcome to the neighborhood” pie

pie-hole.jpgIn New Zealand, the Department of Corrections had to issue a mea culpa after it came to light that a now-free convicted killer wound up living right next door to the daughter of the woman he murdered. The girl, now 21, witnessed her mother’s stabbing 15 years ago, and has had nightmares ever since. So imagine her joy at finding that the man was there, in the flesh and blood, right next door.

The Department says that it checked out a register where victims are supposed to keep their addresses up to date but in this case, the Department apparently didn’t even know that the girl existed — since the register was only created in 2002, many victims from before that time aren’t on it.

The Department yanked the criminal from his new home as soon as they learned of this debacle, and placed him someplace else.

Can you hear me now, Justice Thomas?

clarence-thomas.jpgIt’s common knowledge, and joke fodder, among the legal nerds that Justice Thomas doesn’t speak up much during oral arguments. Even still, I found it a little shocking to be told that Justice Thomas hasn’t said a single word this term, meaning he hasn’t uttered a word from the bench during oral argument since February 22, 2006 — twenty-one months ago! While in Michigan as part of his book tour, Thomas said that he doesn’t speak up much because he thinks oral arguments are about the arguments, not about the justices talking. Reports the wonderful Dahlia Lithwick:

Of course, Thomas was more subtle. As he put it, “[M]y colleagues should shut up!”
He later said he’d chosen those words for their “shock value,” but went on to add, “I think that they should ask questions, but I don’t think that for judging, and for what we are doing, all those questions are necessary.” Thomas then expanded on his colleagues’ self-indulgent need to talk at what is, after all, called oral argument, with this analogy:
Suppose you’re undergoing something very serious like surgery and the doctors started a practice of conducting seminars while in the operating room, debating each other about certain procedures and whether or not this procedure is this way or that way. You really didn’t go in there to have a debate about gallbladder surgery. You actually went in to have a procedure done. We are judges. This is the last court in a long line in our system. We are there to decide cases, not to engage in seminar discussions.

Lithwick thinks Thomas is nuts, calling it “rather astonishing” that he thinks the court’s role is simply to render a decision, without serving any “educative or public role.” And while I don’t wholly agree with Thomas’ take, I do agree some. I absolutely think the Bench should interact with the attorneys during arguments, asking questions and pushing the assertions made by the lawyers. But I don’t really think they should go into long speechifying, nor do I think that their role, during argument, is to edumacate.

All that being said, I also agree with the notion that the Supremes could use a little more transparency. A willingness to talk to the press a little more, allowing televised broadcasts of oral arguments, etc. Hell — I think we should make all the Justices live together and film that shit. With the WGA strike going full-steam and shows falling into reruns, there’s plenty of room on the primetime schedule for “The Real World: Judicial Briefs” edition. Who’s with me?

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Can hear me now, bitch?

judge.jpgI mentioned this story in a Daily Memo last week, but it really deserves a full-blown entry. So last Tuesday, Judge Robert Restaino was removed from the bench because of a bit of an outburst. Back in 2005, Judge Restaino was hearing a domestic violence case when someone’s cell phone went off. And the judge simply went off the rails:

Everyone is going to jail. Every single person is going to jail in this courtroom unless I get that instrument now. If anybody believes I’m kidding, ask some of the folks that have been here for a while. You are all going.

And sure enough, when nobody fessed up, the judge had all 46 people taken into custody and tossed into the city jail. Most posted bail, but the fourteen who couldn’t were shackled and bussed off to the county jail. It didn’t take long for word of this story to get out, and after the press started calling later in the afternoon, Judge Restaino ordered everyone released.

So as I mentioned, he was removed from the bench last Tuesday, with the chairman of the New York Commission on Judicial Conduct writing that Restaino had “engaged in what can only be described as two hours of inexplicable madness.”

Unsurprisingly, Restaino isn’t taking this lightly, now saying that he’s planning to appeal the decision to the state Court of Appeals. His lawyer says that Restaino “deeply regrets and sincerely apologizes” for his little outburst. He says that the snap was because of stress going on in his personal life and, apparently, that means all should be forgiven.

Sorry dude, I ain’t buying it. As the Commission said, your conduct brought irreparable harm to the public perception of the bench and the public’s confidence in you. “Sorry — home life has been rough” doesn’t really cut it. We’ve all got problems. We’ve all got stress. But you’re the only asshat who threw 46 people in the clink for no good reason. Please do us all a favor and bow out graciously.

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