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Monthly Archives: November 2007

Never Give a Gay General a Microphone

For any of you who missed the CNN Republican debate on Wednesday night, here’s a recap of the highlights, presented by a couple of charming rednecks.

Don’t Stab Me, Bro

happy_birthday_10-728921.gifTalk about a crappy birthday:

Police arrested Phil Edward Johnson, 54, Tuesday afternoon. He faces one count of attempted first-degree murder.
His brother, John Butler Tyler, told police it was Johnson’s birthday and that Johnson gave him $20 to buy cocaine for them, a police report states.
Tyler, 37, told police he gave the money to someone who was supposed to buy the cocaine. When Johnson learned his brother didn’t buy the drugs but handed the $20 to someone else, he got angry and pulled a knife from his pocket, according to the report.
Johnson stabbed his brother twice in the stomach and caused defensive wounds on his brother’s wrist, police say.

It’s a good thing the brother didn’t forget the birthday cake.

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It’s Not Like They Have to Wear Straight Jackets

image100.jpgThere are some New Jersey parents who are super-pissed because they discovered the school uses a padded room for special needs kids.

Angry parents confronted members of the Cherry Hill School Board on Tuesday night.
They are concerned about the treatment of their special needs children.
“Instead of educating them, they’re going to throw them in to bash their heads against a padded wall somewhere,” said one parent. “Disgusting.”
“It is absolutely wrong that each and every one of you can go to bed at night thinking that this is OK to do to children,” said another.
“I think it’s frightening. It makes me sick to my stomach,” said another parent, Lisa Scuoppo.

But here’s my question: Why not have padded rooms for all students? Have you met an elementary school child? They’re all hopped up on McDonald’s subsidized lunches, orange drink, and Ritalin — if you got kids that bounce off the wall as much as they do, padding them is the only way to avoid lawsuits. Hell, if you really want to keep the kids — special needs or otherwise — from harming themselves, shackle them to their desks.

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The Daily Memo - 11/30/07

check.jpgThanks to the Pennsylvania’s Supremes, I now know that my favorite college football coach, Joe Paterno, will make half-a-million smackeroos this year. (ESPN)

check.jpgIBM is suing a company for selling fake laptop batteries that do a neat trick — they catch on fire. (Computerworld)

check.jpgSounds like a legal secretary just going the extra mile if you ask me. (Above the Law)

check.jpgMmmmm … burgers and trademarks. (The Trademark Blog)

check.jpgA $42 million legal bill? Why not. (WSJ Law Blog)

Well sure, when you put it that way, maybe Australian football is better

australian-football.jpgThree men, an American and two Australian sailors, got into an argument over the merit of American football versus Australian football. This happened outside a party at 5 in the morning and the American got so hot and bothered about the whole thing that he threatened to kill the Australians.

The Australians say they were worried about him going to get a weapon, so they lept on him, hitting and kicking him, breaking his eye socket in the process. While the American was taken to the hospital, the two sailors were arrested and charged with suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. And as the story explains: “the weapon being their feet.”

I mean, what the hell? Look, I love American football as much as anyone (and probably more than many) and would happily argue its merits over another country’s sport. But to the point of threatening to kill them, or beating them and busting their eye socket? Probably not. …Unless the argument was with a Dallas Cowboys fan. Man do I hate those pricks.

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And the Lord said “Please close your yapper”

capt.d4241d2e49c0476cb1c5dde9a34d3a44.oral_roberts_scandal_ny108.jpgIn a move that should bring smiles to many a dastardly heathen, God has told one of his so-called faithful stewards to step down and shut the hell up.

You may not be aware of this, but Oral Roberts University (of the obnoxious statue pictured) has been in a bit of a pickle as of late. Richard Roberts, the now-former president of the school, had been sued due to irregularities in the university’s finances. He was accused of spending lavishly on himself and his family during a period when the school was more than $50 million in debt. Roberts prepared to respond with a countersuit, but his hand was stayed:

Roberts has previously said that God told him to deny the allegations. The week the lawsuit was filed, Richard Roberts said that God told him: “We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit … is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion.”

But don’t think old ORU is losing out:

On Wednesday, Roberts said God told him he would “do something supernatural for the university,” if he stepped down from the job he held at the 5,700-student school since 1993.
On Tuesday, the founder of a Christian office and education supply store chain pledged $70 million to help the university, provided it passed a 90-day review of the school’s finances. Oklahoma City businessman Mart Green, founder of the Mardel chain, offered to donate $8 million immediately.

Roberts still remains in charge of the Oral Roberts Evangelistic Association, which has commingled with the university since its inception. and many of the students and faculty believe that this union led to the discrepancies, as the finances of the two entities were mingled and the leadership was unclear.

It is interesting how God had to throw in a little extra to get this guy out. I can totally see this guy haggling with Lord of Hosts, trying to get as much as he can out of the deal. And God is so desperate to save his rep, he would agree to practically anything. I mean, Abraham was ready to off his only son right then and there. He didn’t need any incentive to do it; God told him and that was that. This guy, he gets word form above, and he makes sure that he gets some bells and whistles for his troubles. Shrewd customer there.

This family’s DNA is the best DNA ever

dna.jpgChristopher Holland was arrested and charged last month with the rape and murder of a 17-year-old back in 1983. Pretty gruesome crime (she was raped, strangled and stabbed in her own bedroom), so it’s good to know that the purported man behind the crime is now locked up. Part of the evidence used by the cops in tying the crime to Holland was DNA samples from two of Holland’s brothers.

But, whoops — turns out that the DNA submitted by one of the brothers, David Holland, matched another unsolved crime. So David is now in jail with his brother Christopher, as it looks like he was behind the 2001 rape of of an 81-year-old woman. (Eighty. One. Years. Old. What the hell?) Says the assistant deputy district attorney: “We have to assume he didn’t expect this to happen.” You think?

Kid Suspended for Hate Crime Before He Can Spell ‘Hate’

1442.jpgThis is incredibly messed up: A nine-year-old kid has been suspended from his school for three days for committing a “hate crime.” This is how it happened: Allegedly, the nine-year-old got into an argument with another kid over not cooperating with minority students. During a tape-recorded meeting, so far as I can tell from the article, one of the parents asked the kid why he “doesn’t cooperate with brown people,” and when the kid used the term “brown people” in his response, he was accused of racism and made to apologize and was later suspended.

For basically using a term one of this parents used first.

But here’s the kicker: The school’s principal actually told the boy that it was OK to have racist feelings, as long as he kept it to himself.

“As we said to (the boy) when he was in here, in your heart you may have that feeling, and that is OK if that is your personal belief,” Abraham Lincoln Traditional School Principal Virginia Voinovich said in a tape-recorded parent-teacher conference.

Really? So, a kid gets entrapped, then accused of racism, suspended, and then told: Oh, you can dislike “brown people,” just don’t tell anybody.

And believe it or not, it didn’t even happen in Florida.

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Can You Hear Me N … *thud*

explosion.jpgCell phones aren’t as safe as you think:

An exploding cell phone battery is suspected by police in the death of a South Korean worker Wednesday, though the phone’s manufacturer said it was highly unlikely.
The man, identified only by his family name Suh, was found dead at his workplace in a quarry Wednesday morning and his mobile phone battery was melted in his shirt pocket, a police official in Cheongwon told The Associated Press.
“We presume that the cell phone battery exploded,” the police official said on condition of anonymity because the investigation was still under way.
Kim Hoon, a doctor who examined the body, agreed.
“He sustained an injury that is similar to a burn in the left chest and his ribs and spine were broken,” Yonhap news agency quoted Kim as saying. “It is presumed that pressure caused by the explosion damaged his heart and lungs, leading to his death.”

A warning to the rest of you: Don’t put your cell phone in your pocket. Put it on your belt. Because there is nothing cooler than wearing your cell phone like a pager.

(If you’re curious, the cell battery was made by LG Electronics.)

Winning the Lottery Ain’t All That

31979b79-499f-48c2-839c-77c4d026d9c9.jpgOne of our illustrious readers, Korey Humphreys, brought this fine story to our attention. It concerns Timothy Elliot, a Massachusetts man who looks like he probably has a few seed ticks in his beard. He’s also probably a little insane.

Anyway, Mr. Elliot bought a $10 lottery ticket and was fortunate enough to have it pay off handsomely: He was awarded $1 million in the state’s $800 million lotto.

Awesome, right?

Well, actually: Mr. Elliot has been convicted twice of robbing banks (unarmed), and sent to mental institutions after each robbery. After he was released following his 2006 bank robbery, a condition of his probation was that he was not allowed to buy lottery tickets.

Elliot has already collected his first 20 $50,000 annuity checks, but in December, a judge will decide if he gets to keep the money. And what to do with it, if not. Poor dude; I hope the judge lets him keep it. It should at least prevent him from robbing banks with his finger in a jacket for a while.

In other lottery news, in Connecticut, two elderly sisters signed a contract 12 years ago “promising to share equally in any winnings they reaped from casinos, slot machines, cards or scratch tickets. It was drafted by a certified public accountant [and] signed by a notary public.” However, after one 80-something year old sister won $500,000 after buying a Powerball lottery ticket with her brother, she split it with him, but refused to pay out under the agreement to her sister, so the other 80-something year old sister is suing. The catch: Connecticut law considers private wagering contracts to be void.

Indeed, a judge ruled that the contract wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on, so the losing sister — who lives in an assisted-living facility — is appealing. And my guess is that these two sisters are gonna spend all that money on legal fees and end up dead and penniless in a couple of years. Shame.

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What? There’s No Such Thing as a $1 Million Bill?


Well, they should invent one, damnit.

A bank teller had a million reasons to deny this transaction. Police say a man tried to open an account with a $1 million bill, which does not exist. The teller refused and called police while the man started to curse at bank workers, said Aiken County Sheriff’s spokesman Lt. Michael Frank.
Alexander D. Smith, 31, of Augusta, Ga., was charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of forgery, Frank said.

The Daily Memo - 11/29/07

check.jpg“Headhunter Horror Stories: The Lunch from Hell.” Yeah, headhunters are the best. (Above the Law)

check.jpgHBO seems to be backing down on its threats against the vile trademark-infringing “Health and the City” fitness business. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgHuzzah! A recent court opinion in Sweden says that Swedish parents can smack their kids, as long as it’s not too hard. (Big News)

check.jpgDown Under, a wonderful man tried to claim that a grand spent on escorts was a legitimately deductible tax deduction because it was a work expense — he needed companionship while traveling for his job. (The Sydney Morning Herald)

check.jpg“Underage drinking party ends with standoff.” (JS Online)

check.jpgNew Jersey … Delaware … fight! (WSJ Law Blog)

Common Sense Lessons #158 and 159

coke-in-trunk.jpgLet’s say you’ve got something illegal in the trunk of your car. Like, I dunno, almost 40 pounds of coke (which looks very much like the image there on the right). The last thing you want is to get pulled over, right? So common sense suggests that you make sure that your car, I dunno, has some license plates on it.

That’s the lesson Marco Mendez learned while he was driving through Nebraska. His minivan was pulled over in the middle of the afternoon because it didn’t have plates. But Mendez still might’ve been ok, save for the fact that he apparently needs a second common sense lesson: When you’ve got something illegal in your car and the cops pull you over, don’t consent to a search.

So yeah, Mendez consented to a search of the van, and the cops found the coke stashed in his trunk. Needless to say, things didn’t turn out well for Mendez - he and his passenger were arrested, while the two kids in the van with them were, sadly, placed into the custody of Health and Human Services.

The folks at night, don’t care about Constitutional rights … deep in the heart of Texas!

texas.jpgWhen kids do bad things in Texas, they get locked up in juvie, under the authority of the Texas Youth Commission. And the TYC has this pesky little policy that they won’t let folks out early unless they admit to the crime that got them in the kiddie clink. This has turned out to be a problem for one teen, Airick Browning, currently locked up for attempted rape. Browning’s case is on appeal and because he insists he’s innocent of the charges, he doesn’t want to give the TYC the confession it’s demanding. Especially since there is no immunity attached, meaning Browning’s confession would likely put the kibosh on his appeal.

Browning’s lawyers have filed a federal motion seeking to have the TYC’s policy deemed unconstitutional due to its violation of the right against self-incrimination. The Texas Civil Right Project, which is representing Browning and other similarly-situated inmates, says that this is clearly an unconstitutional policy of the agency “coercing confessions out of children.” And a con law professor says that this is an example of the government wrongly trying to setup unconstitutional conditions in order to get a government benefit:

For example, your entitlement to Social Security benefits can’t depend on how you exercise your right to vote. A particular tax credit or public housing or police protection can’t be conditioned on promising to hold certain religious beliefs.

On the upside, considering this is Texas, Browning should probably consider himself lucky that the TYC hasn’t simply decided that it would be quicker and easier to just shoot him.

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We’re number “somewhere in the top 100!” We’re number “somewhere in the top 100!”

top-100.jpgThe ABA Journal has published a new list: The ABA Journal Blawg 100. And you’re darn skippy that QuizLaw’s there. Says the Journal of us:

Sharp, fast-paced commentary about legal and nearly legal news and events.

That’s right, son. Sharp.

The list is broken down into twelve categories and all the big blawgs are naturally there, along with quite a few that you probably haven’t heard of (hell, there are certainly plenty that are new to me). QuizLaw has been planted in the “Generally Speaking” category, along with quite a few worthy contenders. And of course, the ABA Journal wants traffic, so they’ve opened it all up to voting. So between now and January 2nd, feel free to head on over and give the QuizLaw some voting love. Our traffic isn’t as large as some of these other guys, so we hold no dreams of actually winning what is ultimately a popularity contest (in fact, at the time of this writing, we’re already in a healthy hole behind the leading, and worthy, Overlawyered), but for every vote that QuizLaw gets, an angel is granted a demurrer.

You can vote for us by clicking on that lovely little banner below (which — hey, look at that — is conveniently scattered all over this site now!). So get to it — the angels are desperate to avoid their day in court, don’t you know?

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Grandma Was the Lucky One

grandma1.gifThere is, perhaps, no song in the world I hate more than Elmo and Patsy’s “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” a song that sends me scurrying for a sleigh I can lie under every time I hear it. The damn song is nearly 30 years old now, and it’s novelty ran off about 3 days after it first aired.

And believe it or not, the man who owns the song’s copyright, Elmo Shropshire, is seriously wealthy. So much so, in fact, that he’s being sued for $2 million. Apparently, he licensed the song to the Fred Rappaport Company, who in turn created a animated show out of it in 2000. Rappaport contends that it owns the copyright in characters created in the animated show, rights it procured under a 2004 settlement with Elmo.

However, Elmo — who clearly has nothing else to do, having accomplished exactly one thing in his entire godforsaken life — has started sending out cease and desist letters to companies that made deals with the Fred Rappapport Company to market the characters. So, Rappapport is suing Elmo, claiming that he is screwing the company over, just as he’s screwed the rest of us over every Christmas since 1978.

Honestly, the only winner in this whole scenario is Grandma, who was fortunate enough to get drunk on egg nog and kilt by a sled, saving her from the indignity of being Elmo Shropshire’s granny.

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That’s how we hunt in Florida, bitch!

bambi.jpgThat’s right. We don’t go out into the woods to shoot us some deer. That’s too much actual, you know, work. Instead, we wait for the deer to come to us!

A Crestview man was charged with taking a deer by an illegal method after a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Officer learned that he had struck and killed a deer in the parking lot of a Crestview fast food restaurant, according to FWC’s weekly report.
A witness reported seeing the man “intentionally” run over the deer, stop and look at it and then drive away. The occupants of another truck at the same restaurant picked up the deer and drove away. The witness followed the second truck and called in the complaint.
A woman in the home where the officers were headed heard her address on the scanner. The two individuals then dumped the deer in a wooded area. When questioned by the officer, they first said they didn’t want the deer to be wasted. Later, they gave the name of the individual who ran the animal over.
The deer was photographed as evidence. The two who took the deer were issued written warnings for willful and wanton waste of wildlife.

The Daily Memo - 11/28/07

check.jpgIn Port Washington, Wisconsin, tickets are down because the cops have decided to practice the crazy notion of “preventive law enforcement,” working to reduce the things that lead to citations in the first place. (JS Online)

check.jpgGood riddance - a NY judge has been yanked from the bench for tossing 46 (!) people in the clink after nobody would fess up to owning a cell phone that rang in the courtroom. (FindLaw)

check.jpgWell that’s a real crying shame - “FCC vote affecting cable TV in jeopardy.” (AP)

check.jpgA Magistrate Judge ruled in favor of Amazon not needing to open up its e-records, because “rumors of an Orwellian federal criminal investigation into the reading habits of Amazon’s customers could frighten countless potential customers into canceling planned online book purchase.” (NetworkWorld)

check.jpgThe Fifth Circuit is following the Supremes’ lead by extending the limits imposed on student speech, approving zero-tolerance rules for students who make violent threats. (First Amendment Center)

check.jpgSpeaking of the Supremes, “Scalia to join Supreme Court book club.” I hate his politics and beliefs, but am looking forward to his book nonetheless, even if it is about the less-than-amusing topic of courtroom advocacy. (Law.com)

check.jpgWhile it’ll likely lead to squat, a bill has been introduced which proposes making Puerto Rick the 51st star on our flag. (WESH)

check.jpgWhat’s going to get the Corporate Law Gorilla Award of 2007? (Concurring Opinions)

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Who Says Stephen King is Irrelevant?

Stephen-King.jpgI haven’t appreciated a Stephen King novel in over a decade, and his back-page column in Entertainment Weekly somehow manages to be even more vapid and uninteresting as the rest of the magazine, but by God, Stephen King was, is, and always will be one cool motherfucker, as suggested by some of the things he said in an interview with Time magazine, including this glorious bit:

So I said something to the ‘Nightline’ guy about waterboarding, and if the Bush administration didn’t think it was torture, they ought to do some personal investigation. Someone in the Bush family should actually be waterboarded so they could report on it to George. I said, I didn’t think he would do it, but I suggested Jenna be waterboarded and then she could talk about whether or not she thought it was torture.

Sadly, she’s such a Stepford daughter, I doubt Jenna would ever break a sweat. She’d just plug-in, recharge her batteries, and continue smiling without batting an eyelash.

It’s All in the Name:

Who wouldn’t vote for a candidate with a name (and a moustache) like this:

Oh irony….

Thy name is this girl:


…and this guy:


….and definitely this guy:


(All mugshot are, of course, from The Smoking Gun, which recently put together its fifth roundup of “mug shots featuring the accused wearing t-shirts with one of those precious slogans.”)

In the That’s-Messed-Up Department

welfare.jpgThe Supreme Court refused, without comment, to intervene in a San Diego County case where investigators are allowed to show up, unannounced, to a welfare recipient’s residence and search their home without a warrant. Failure to comply with said search could result in loss of benefits.


The 9th Circuit upheld the regulation, arguing that it didn’t violate the Fourth Amendment right against unreasonable search and seizure because the residents could refuse to comply.

Well, yeah: They could. But then they’d lose their public assistance.

Who knew that, by accepting government funds, you were also giving up your Constitutional rights and the rights of a full citizen? Man, it just doesn’t pay to be poor in this country.

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There Is Nothing Legal About This Story. But: Wow!

b95c2510.jpgI know it has nothing to do with the law, but I couldn’t resist, if only because it’s the sort of scenario Saw’s Jigsaw Killer might put someone in: A man had to cut off his own arm to save himself from a fire.

“I just told myself, ‘I’m not going to die here,’” Sampson Parker said Monday on NBC’s “Today Show.”
“I just kept fighting, kept praying. And then when I did get loose, I jumped up running, I had blood squirting from my arm,” he said of the September incident. “It was pretty scary there for a while.”
Parker, a construction supervisor in Kershaw County about 20 miles east of Columbia, farms as a hobby. When he tried to remove a cornstalk stuck in the rusty harvester, his hand became stuck.
“I went up with my hand, and the roller that takes the shucks off the corn had grabbed the glove and pulled my hand into the rollers,” he told WIS-TV in Columbia.
Parker called for help, but no one was around.
After about 90 minutes, his hand went numb. He jammed a rod into the machine and started cutting away his fingers, but the rod and machine sparked a fire. He used his free hand to fight the fire but knew he was in even more trouble.
“My skin was melting,” he said. “Like melting plastic.”
It was then that he cut off his arm to free himself.
“I could feel the nerves as I was cutting my arm off,” he recalled.

Man alive: If someone had only taped the incident, Sampson Parker would’ve been the YouTube sensation of the year.

Oh Florida, you never disappoint

florida.jpgSo I clicked on this link at Jacksonville.com for a story from the Times-Union, and it turns out there were two stories on that page and, well, they’re both Florida winners.

A man robbed in the checkout line at a Westside gas station Friday night had his car stolen from him by different men a few moments later. Paul Gibbs was in the BP gas station on Ramona Boulevard when, he told police, an unknown man snatched the $35 he was carrying in his hand. Gibbs drove after the suspect and then chased him on foot, leaving his keys in the vehicle when he parked it and got out on Faith Memorial Road. As he chased the first man, police said, two other men got in the car and drove off with the vehicle.


A man who was shot in the buttocks while working on a car Friday night had a bag of marijuana fall out of his pants into the hands of the responding police officer. Charles Thompson, 42, told police that an unknown man walked up behind him and shot him near Spring Grove and West 44th streets. After paramedics removed his pants at Shands Jacksonville and handed them to the officer, the drugs fell out of the front pocket, police said. A police report indicated Thompson hadn’t been given a notice to appear in court because he had been taken into surgery. The report also indicated that he would qualify for charges. Witnesses said Thompson and the shooter were talking before the incident.

The Daily Memo - 11/27/07

check.jpgStephen King thinks Jenna Bush needs a good waterboarding. (Whitehouser)

check.jpgA New Jersey legislative committee is pushing an online dating bill which its own supporters admit is less than perfect. (ars technica)

check.jpg“Do law school grades matter?” Not as much as the conditioning your liver gets from three years of law school, that’s what I say! (Above the Law)

check.jpgAt least the US hasn’t gotten quite this authoritarian and fundamental … yet — a British schoolteacher was arrested in Sudan for allowing a student to name a teddy bear Muhammad. (BBC News)

check.jpgSome New Jersey state workers were more unhappy than usual (being a NJ state worker means they’re always unhappy!) because the Governor made them show up to work on Black Friday. (Newsday)

check.jpgSittin’ on your inside furniture outside? You better believe that’s a citation. Or at least it might be one day soon. (Tennessean)

What a minute, that’s not part of the custom paint job!

beamer.jpgWell this headline really says it all, don’t it?

Hot for the Car — Edmonton man sentenced after masturbating on a BMW

What, you want more? Well, it seems that 45-year-old Sandy Wong has what the Edmonton Sun refers to as some sexual deviancy — he “gets turned on by expensive and classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet and [he] really likes to expose himself in public.” And no place is tailor made for this combination of fetishes than the Home and Garden Show!

So back in March, Wong hit up the show and after three BWMs got him all hot and bothered, he hopped atop one of the Beamers and “[s]hortly after that, Wong had dropped his sweat pants to his ankles and was spotted masturbating while sitting with his legs dangling over the driver’s door window.”

Turns out this is not his only such incident — in May he was arrested “for jumping on a 2005 MiniCooper outside the downtown Boston Pizza, dropping his pants and proceeding to ‘tuck, rub and bounce his naked genitalia’ on the hood of the car.” And then there was another car-top incident in June.

Last week, Wong got a 90 day sentence in the clink (which he’s already served) plus two years probation, in exchange for pleading guilty to three counts of indecent exposure, and some charges of mischief, theft, and obstructing a peace officer. He also has a 10 p.m. curfew because I guess one is more tempted to schtupp car roofs at night. Romantic moonlight, I suppose.

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PH2007112601528.jpgPresident Bush had to host the Nobel Prize winners at the White House yesterday, and guess who was amongst the winners: Yup. Al Gore.

The two men stood next to other, sharing uncomfortable grins for photographers and reporters, who were quickly ushered in and out.
“Familiar faces,” the former vice president said of the media. Bush, still smiling, added nothing.

Jesus. Just look at that photo. Which one looks presidential? And which one looks like he just finished de-pantsing someone?

It’d be funny if it weren’t so heartbreaking.

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We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do, We’ve Got Spirit, I’m Gonna Punch You!

cheerleader.jpgMary Delgado used to be a cheerleader for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Seems she was also the winner of “The Bachelor” in 2004, although “winner” is a deeply subjective term when the bachelor in question was a professional bass fisherman. Anyway, she accepted his proposal, and they’ve been living together ever since.

But it’s not a true Disney fairy tale ending, apparently, as Delgado was arrested last week for decking her fisherman fiance in the mouth. It should come as little surprise that she was drunk when the cops showed up, and that lovely picture to the right would be Ms. Rah-Rah-Sis-Boom-Bah’s subsequent mugshot.

No word yet on why Delgado slugged her fisherman, although one suspects that it’s because she finally came to her senses and realized that she’s engaged to a professional bass fisherman. I mean, come on.

(Although our friends over at Kissing Suzy Kolber suspect that she may have punched him “while performing the dreaded ‘Reverse Bismarck.’” The world may never know.)

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How to Kill a Chocolate Bunny

Try to look away. Just try:

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Justice Perverted!

article_alimony.jpgWell, how about this for fairness: A man has been ordered to pay alimony to an ex-wife who beat their son to death.

The decision was issued in the case of Linda Calbi, who is serving a three-year prison term after pleading guilty to beating her son, Matt, on Aug. 17, 2003, during a violent argument at their home. He died hours later from internal bleeding and cardiac arrest.
“I don’t understand how anyone can look my brother in the face and tell him that he has to pay this woman alimony,” said Brian Sokoloff, brother of Linda Calbi’s ex-husband, Chris. “Half of this opinion espouses sympathy for my brother, and the other half is saying, ‘Too bad.’ “
Linda Calbi was originally charged with murder, but the charges were later downgraded to aggravated assault, based on expert reports that medical error contributed significantly to the boy’s death. She was sentenced last year to three years in prison and won’t be eligible for parole until November 2008.
The Calbis were divorced in 2001 after 15 years of marriage. A few months after Matt’s death, Chris Calbi fell behind his alimony payments and filed papers in court seeking a reduction or termination of his payment obligations.
“She took the life of her oldest son, scarred her younger son for the rest of his life, and tore the fabric of my soul from me,” Chris Calbi wrote in papers filed in Superior Court in Hackensack. “To reward this evil and violent woman by allowing her … to derive a financial benefit from the family she destroyed … can only be described as a perversion of our justice system.”
A judge ordered him to continue making payments, then later interrupted alimony for the period that Linda Calbi is incarcerated.
But Chris Calbi’s arrears had risen to more $40,000 by then, and the judge ordered him to pay $400 a month to his ex-wife’s prison account.

I’m sure that Linda Calbi, somewhere in her legal documents, also argued that at least her husband doesn’t have to pay child support. Sheesh.

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America Loves Its Troops!

support.troops.osc.jpgThe Bush administration and the G.O.P. just love to herald how much they support the troops. When it comes to war morale, they are the troop supportiest! That is, unless the troop in question loses an eye, a leg, or an arm and then, of course, the troop is no longer any good to them, which is why, of course, the Department of Defense is now asking wounded veterans to refund part of their enlistment bonuses if they are unable to fulfill their commitment because of, you know, getting shot by an insurgent.

In fact, one Jordan Fox received $10,000 for joining the Army, but when he survived machine gun battles and a roadside bomb that cost him his sight in one eye, the DoD sent him a bill, asking Fox to return $3,000 of his bonus because he couldn’t fulfill three months of his commitment. And, according to CBS, this isn’t an isolated incident: Thousands of wounded soldiers are being asked to return their signing bonuses.

I guess that’s just the DoD’s way of saying, “Happy Holidays.”

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The Daily Memo - 11/26/07

check.jpg“The fight over the Second Amendment, explained” by the ever-wonderful Dahlia Lithwick. (Slate)

check.jpgHey! I want free milkshakes and candied apples, damn it! (ATL and WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgIt’s not bad enough that she’s a quadriplegic? The settlement for the girl injured in the Giants Stadium DUI case is remaining under seal so that her dad doesn’t try to steal her settlement money. (Law.com)

check.jpgThe New York Court of Appeals confirms that merely standing still on a sidewalk does not constitute disorderly conduct. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpg“Well them gays and the gay lovers can meet at our school, just so long as they don’t go calling out the fact that they’re a bunch of queer huggers!” (UPI)

check.jpgWhy are us lawyers still stuck using the Bluebook, “an elaborate manual of propitiation as involved (and useless) as the pyramid tomb of a Pharaoh?” (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgA twelve-year-old is suing a New York technical school that won’t let him retake the entrance exam, even though there were other kids being loud the first time he took the test. Loud, damn it! (UPI)

Here a conviction, there a conviction, everywhere a conviction conviction

sears-tower.jpgThree years ago, Jerome Felske applied to be a part-time truck driver for the city of Chicago and even though he admitted to six criminal convictions (five thefts and a burglary) he got the job. And this was despite the fact that the city had a No Ex-Cons policy, because “Felske had clout: He was helping register voters for the Hispanic Democratic Organization, then a powerful patronage army delivering votes for Mayor Daley.”

Last January, however, things took a bad turn for Felske when he was fired. Seems that the city inspector found out that Felske didn’t merely have 6 convictions, but a whopping 22 convictions. Turns out the city doesn’t like it when you only fess up to some of your heavily populated criminal past.

But don’t you cry for Jerome Felske. Because two months ago, he got his job back! The city’s Human Resources Board found the firing to be too stiff a punishment since the city attorneys couldn’t prove that Felske intentionally left those pesky other 16 convictions off his job application.

Felske, 64, didn’t lie about his past, his lawyer, Joseph Spingola, successfully argued; he just didn’t remember every last crime.
“I challenge anybody that is here today to try to recall their grocery list from only two weeks ago,” Spingola, a former chairman of the city’s Zoning Board of Appeals under Daley, told the board. “Essentially, he is being punished here for not having the best memory of anybody around.”

Ok, look — I have a sieve for a brain. Awful memory. And if I had 22 convictions under my belt over the span of a few decades, I might not be able to remember each and every one, particularly the dates of conviction. But I’m guessing I probably would remember most of it. And even if I couldn’t remember it all, I suspect I’d know that it was in the ballpark of 20, which is far removed from 6.

In any event, nice to know that Chicago gives you twenty-two strikes before you’re out. But you better behave, Mr. Felske, cause that next conviction might just get you a month unpaid leave!

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You should suck more!

the-romantics.jpgActivision is being sued over one of the Guitar Hero games. Earlier this year, before the big bad “Guitar Hero III” hit the stores, Activision released “Guitar Hero Encore: Rock the ’80s” to make some appetites whetted. One song included in the game was “What I Like About You,” a song originally performed by The Romantics.

Now the way these Guitar Hero games work, not all of the included songs are the originals. In fact, before the current “Guitar Hero III,” almost all of the songs were actually cover versions (in “Guitar Hero III,” about half the tunes are the originals). The version of “What I Like About You” included in “Rock the ’80s” is one such cover. Now Activision did what it’s supposed to, and got permission to include a cover. But The Romantics are suing the game company anyway because — get this — they say the included cover version is too good. So good that it sounds too much like the original and thereby infringes the group’s publicity rights.

Ah, the lengths that a one hit wonder will go to to milk all that it possibly can out of said one hit. What I like about you, indeed!

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The wilfully blind leading the actually blind


(Friday’s NonSequitur, courtesy of GoComics.)

Satan Worshippers Strike Again

satan.jpgKen Williams, the mayor of Centertown, Arkansas, has unfortunately been forced to resign from his position. Typical scenario, really — the poor guy recently realized that he used to be a preacher under a different name in Indiana and one day in the 1980s, he was abducted and brainwashed by Satan worshipers.

It was a double-life he had never acknowledged, Williams said, because he didn’t even realize it existed until he had recently taken a truth-serum injection.
As Williams regained his memory, he said, he realized that he had a wife and two kids but that he had decided to leave and take on a new identity to protect them.
“I had no choice. The choice was to watch my family killed before my eyes or go with these people, and I chose instead to run,” Williams said.
He wouldn’t explain from who he was running, saying only that he had been brainwashed.
“I had multiple shock treatments,” Williams said. “It took five years to get my memory back.”
Williams said he took his current identity in 1980 when he moved to Centerton. His full name — Bruce Kent Williams — was taken from a man who died in a car crash back in 1958, he said.
“What happened in 1980 — whether it was right or wrong — I did it under the threat of my family and for my own survival,” he said.
The information went public, Williams said, because he runs a Web site about Don LaRose and his disappearance. LaRose’s former family found the Web site and started inquiring about its author. They found the site registered to a Ken Williams and went from there.

Yet another victim of Satan worshiping abductors. This country really has to put the kibosh on them before they attack again.

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Now, That’s Funny

capt.0492d6964b584c0a8a1f3a3fc9f45f9f.girls_gone_wild_ny111.jpgFrom Yahoo News:

The millionaire producer of the “Girls Gone Wild” video series has accused guards of abusing him during his brief stay at an Oklahoma jail, a newspaper reported Friday.
Guards at the Grady County Law Enforcement Center denied Joe Francis food and blankets and threatened to strap him naked to a chair for 48 hours.



That poor little bitch.

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The Daily Memo - 11/23/07

check.jpgThe Dems show that they’ve got some stones. Teeny tiny stones, but stones nonetheless. (ATL)

check.jpgAwwwww, poor Joe Francis says the guards are going wild. (CNN)

check.jpgUhm, if you’re a girl in Brazil, you seriously better be on your best behavior. …Jesus. (News.com.au)

check.jpgThis is preposterous - the military is saying it wants signing bonuses back from wounded soldiers because they haven’t served out their full commitments. (Think Progress)

check.jpgNaked and drunk on a US highway, causing three accidents? Florida, right? …Wait, Delaware? (FindLaw)

check.jpgNow why would you want a law firm run by someone with actual business acumen and training, rather than a lawyer? (Law.com)

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Landlord/Tenant Law 101

video-tape.jpgToday’s lesson — blackmail gets the rent paid, every time. Except for when it doesn’t.

This lesson comes to us from, naturally, Florida, where we meet Jill Marita Munger, the owner of some Panama City Beach condo units. One of Munger’s recent tenants just moved out and didn’t pay all the rent owed to Munger. So Munger decided to track the tenant down to collect the past-due rent.

Fair enough.

When Munger found the unidentified tenant, however, she did more than just ask nicely for the money. Instead, she informed her former tenant that there was a hidden camera in the condo and if the overdue rent wasn’t paid, Munger threatened to release a sex tape on the internet. And then to sell the tape and publish the tenant’s Social Security number.

The tenant didn’t take kindly to all of this, so she called the cops and helped bust Munger in an undercover sting. The best part is that Munger’s threat was a bluff, as she had no sex tape in the first place!

Well played, Munger, well played!

Obnoxious city workers aren’t just limited to the US

meter-maid.jpgCheck out this wonderful meter maid in England:

A parking attendant sprang into action when a man collapsed outside Altrincham General Hospital - by trying to slap a ticket on the victim’s car.
The diligent warden came upon the scene after the man, who is diabetic, had keeled over in a car outside the hospital entrance.
Nurses ran out to help the man after his driver had dashed into the hospital to ask for assistance, and an ambulance was called.
But the intrepid meter maid spotted that the driver had pulled up in an ambulance bay - and was not about to show any leeway.
Undeterred by the frantic activity going on around her, the parking attendant repeatedly tried to issue a parking ticket.
She ignored protests and explanations as she pressed on - and even continued to issue a ticket after the ambulance arrived and the paramedics took over the care of the patient, according to a shocked observer.
The witness, who does not want to be named, said: “She finally did not give a ticket - but it took two ambulance men and the driver to persuade her that this guy had collapsed.
“Was this the first pantomime of the season?
“Sadly no, it was just another day in the life of the public, the medics, the hospital and an apparently over zealous parking attendant.
“One has to wonder whether she was trying to meet a target - or whether she was completely devoid of common sense.”

But how else will our kids grow up to be gangsters?

saggy-pants.jpgYou gotta’ love city politics at work. In my hometown of Philly, it appears that the City Council actually passed a resolution banning the sale of toy guns. Now, it wasn’t binding, so I’m not sure why the local news is shocked — shocked, I say — to find that some toy stores have not removed their toy guns:

NBC 10’s Tim Furlong reports that “despite a September resolution from City Council asking stores to remove the guns from their shelves, some stores like KB Toys in the Franklin Mills Mall sell guns in all colors, shapes and sizes, including a realistic-looking machine gun and handgun purchased by Furlong.” Ooh, a toy gun sting operation!

But that’s just the cake of this story. The icing is that in nearby Wilmington, a City Councilman wants to ban sagging pants, proposing an ordinance which would fine people up to $250 for wearing baggy drawers. Councilman Mike Brown says: “Listen, I know under the first amendment everybody has their rights, but I have rights too.”

The right not to be visually offended by baggy pants? I must’ve missed that day of Con Law. (To be fair, I missed a lot of days of Con Law.)

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Gobble gobble

Happy Turkey Day boys and girls. The QuizLaw crew is taking the day off so we can enjoy some tasty turkey, some NFL football, and some good times with the family. We suggest you do the same.*

*(Good times with the family are, of course, in no way guaranteed.)

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The defense would like to call Harry Potter to the stand

sorcery.jpgAwesome story. Just awesome:

Having marital problems? Have you tried putting egg in your underpants?
A woman in Cyprus is on trial for sorcery after pledging to shake off a curse apparently plaguing a man’s relationship with his wife and mother-in-law.
The suggested remedy consisted of an egg, a spoon, a nail, some pubic hairs and underpants, local media reported on Friday.
“She cracked the egg into my underpants,” the 37-year-old man told a district court in the capital Nicosia.
The elderly woman wanted some 5,000 Cyprus pounds (5,968 pounds) for her efforts, the man said, so he went to police.
Sorcery is banned in Cyprus though many people indulge in card readings and palmistry and read runes in coffee cups.

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Oh God! It Hurts … the Laughter … the Joy … the Tron Costume

Back in September, Seth warned that state taxes on Internet access may increase. But, why listen to Seth when you can get the same message from a woman with huge glasses, a rhinestone rainbow blouse, and gold shimmy pants singing about the Internet taxes?!

So, on this Thanksgiving, just give thanks that you’re not doing the robot in a Tron outfit or prancing around in a Peter Pan costume like some deranged version of the old dance group, Dee-Lite.

Oh, and Save the Internet!

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Disney hates the disabled

mickey.jpgDisney World has been sued by three disabled people who are ticked off that Disney won’t allow the use of Segways at its parks. While all three of the plaintiffs can stand, their walking ability is restricted by multiple sclerois, the accidental loss of a foot, and Lou Gherig’s disease. So they rely on Segway’s to help them get around.

The Disability Rights Advocates for Technology say that Segways provide disabled folks more mobility and dignity than wheelchairs, and the group has actually tried to get the parks to remove their Segway ban. But Disney says that its primary concern is for the safety of folks at its parks, and it’s worried about all these crazy disabled types zipping around on their Segways at speeds in excess of 12 mph.

So it appears that we need to put an asterisk on “the Happiest Place on Earth,” reading “unless you’re a crip.”

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The Daily Memo - 11/21/07

check.jpgThe Red Hot Chili Peppers are suing Showtime over the title of its show “Californication.” (Defamer)

check.jpgReader Brianna is surprised that the Child Support Pimp is a Washington man, rather than a Floridian. But Florida doesn’t have the exclusive hold on rejects, it’s just got a plethora of them. (NY Times)

check.jpgA New Jersey lawmaker hates t-i-t-s, tits tits tits. (SI)

check.jpgThe South Carolina Supremes are gonna check out some shady grade changes for some folks who took the state bar. (Law.com)

check.jpgA judge may let some new defendants, including Suge Knight, be pulled into the Biggy Smalls wrongful death lawsuit. (FindLaw)

check.jpgThe Supremes do the Second Amendment because “guns don’t kill people, the Constitution does.” (Supreme Dicta and WSJ Law Blog)

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Strap On!

soctty-mac.jpgThe big political and legal story yesterday, of course, was the bombshell of obviousness that former White House press secretary Scott McClellan dropped as part of a preview for his upcoming book, Inside the Bush White House and What’s Wrong with Washington (due in April).

McClellan says in an upcoming book that he was misled by President George W. Bush and other high officials into misinforming the press about a CIA leak case that fueled debate about the Iraq war.
McClellan says he publicly exonerated former top White House aides Karl Rove and Lewis “Scooter” Libby because Bush had called on him to help restore his credibility after the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
“There was one problem. It was not true. I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president’s chief of staff, and the president himself,” McClellan said in an excerpt released on Tuesday.

Meanwhile, on page 21B of tomorrow’s New York Times, it will be reported that Scott McClellan and his gay lover “accidentally overdosed on three bottles of Vicodin while dressed as fairy princesses and sporting dual strap-ons.” Vice President Dick Cheney’s fingerprints conveniently will not be found anywhere near the scene, as he will have spent the day in an “undisclosed location.”

Do you swear to drink the shot, the whole shot, and nothing but the shot?

drunk-hobby.jpgOk, this story is over a month old and comes to us for the foreign lands of Spain, but it’s too good not to talk about despite it’s lack of timeliness or nearby locale.

In September, a man got busted speeding through the city center of Alicante, and he was found to be a bit tipsy, blowing over double the legal limit. So he was arrested and charged with drunk driving, naturally. And the defense he wanted to mount was that he may have been drunk, but he’s a capable drunk driver, so it’s all good. Which is why his lawyer made the following request:

The lawyer had asked the court for his client to be made drunk, to prove that he is capable of driving while under the influence of alcohol.

Sadly, the judge turned this request down, calling it “impertinent” and saying that there were too many factors that couldn’t be repeated, “such as the amount of food he had eaten and his state of wakefulness.” Too bad — I think all courtroom proceedings could benefit from more drunk defendants.


sheboygan.jpgAs I’ve said before, I’ll post any story involving Sheboygan, cause it’s just so gosh darn fun to say. I love Sheboygan. Best damn city name in this fine country of ours (well, maybe except for Blue Ball, Pennsylvania). Anyway, Sheboygan comes up because of a recent story involving what some might say is the city’s attempt to quiet political dissent.

Seems that a local lady, Jeni Reisinger, is not a fan of Mayor Juan Perez. Last year, she was one of the leaders of a move to recall the mayor, and she now runs a web site which often has less-than-pleasant things to say about Mayor Perez and the job he’s doing. Separate and apart from that site, Reisinger runs a site for her web design business, and that site includes a link to the Sheboygan Police Department. Apparently, Mayor Perez initiated a move which led to the city attorney sending Reisinger a cease and desist letter:

The letter, dated Oct. 19, states, “maintenance of this link could be construed as having been authorized or endorsed by the city and/or its police department” and should be removed “until such time as the city were to authorize such a link.”

Meanwhile, Perez has no problem with any of this because he’s confident in his City Attorney’s legal acumen:

Perez defended the letter Friday, saying the city must be careful which Web sites link to it.
“People associate (Reisinger) with racism because of that Web site she designed during the recall when she had me holding a Mexican flag (with) ‘Power to illegals?’ captioned on it. They were calling me ‘muchachito’ and ‘senor,’ all these derogatory terms on that Web site, and she was the creator of that Web site,” Perez said. “My concern was that people would have some concern over her linking to a city Web site.”
The digitally-altered photo Perez referenced was posted on Reisinger’s original recall site, which, like Sheboygan Spirit, included a forum and other sections where users could post without her involvement.
Perez said he is under the impression Web sites must have the city’s permission to post links to the city’s Web site.
“If she didn’t need that, I believe attorney McLean would have told me that, and that would have been the end of it,” Perez said, though he added, “He said she wasn’t authorized, he didn’t say she needed permission.”

Yeah, well, might be time to bring in some new legal advisers, Mayor.

But whatever with all that. Sheboygan! …God I love it.

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Who the Hell is the Science Guy?

billnye.jpgI’m kind of embarrassed here, but I have no freakin’ idea who Bill Nye the Science Guy is. The best I can guess is that he was the 90s version of Mr. Wizard, a creepy guy who taught science to preadolescents on PBS. Anyway, “The Science Guy” (pictured, to the left, demonstrating his penis size, apparently) is seeking a restraining order against a woman he kind of married last year. Blair Tindall, dressed in black, showed up in his garden on Labor Day and allegedly dumped solvents of some sort in his veggies, and then fled when Nye espied her.

Tindall says it was just a sophomoric joke (killer herbicide! ha!) committed by a woman who had suffered “emotional cruelty.” Indeed, apparently, Tindall and Nye had a marriage ceremony last year performed by Pastor Rick Warren (he of The Purpose Driven Life). However, a few weeks later, they learned that the marriage license was invalid, at which time Nye realized his mistake and booted his “faux” wife to the curb. Tindall says her little stunt in the garden was the culmination of all the pain that Nye inflicted upon her.

I wonder if The Science Guy has a antidote for heartache? Here’s mine: Cyanide. Just a little caplet in your coffee, and you never have to worry about heartache again!

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The folks at night, will shoot you on sight … deep in the heart of Texas!

texas.jpgA grand jury will get to decide if a man in his 70’s was really “defending himself” when he shot two men who he thought were breaking into his neighbor’s home. This case is a test of Texas’ broad “Castle Doctrine,” giving folks a strong self-defense right in their own homes, cars and offices.

As the 911 tapes show, however, this guy is the exact type of trigger-happy, stereotypical Texas-rube folks love to make fun of:

Police say that just before the shootings, the man called 911 to say he heard glass breaking and saw two men entering the home through a window.
911: “Pasadena 911. What is your emergency?”
Caller: “Burglars breaking into a house next door.”
A police spokesman says the man told the dispatcher that he was going to get his gun and stop the break-in.
Caller: “I’ve got a shotgun, do you want me to stop them?”
911: “Nope, don’t do that. Ain’t no property worth shooting somebody over, OK?”
The dispatcher repeatedly urged the man to stay calm and stay in his own home, reports CBS News correspondent Hari Sreeni\vasan.
911: “I’ve got officers coming out there. I don’t want you to go outside that house.”
Caller: “I understand that, but I have a right to protect myself too, sir, and you understand that. And the laws have been changed in this country since September the first, and you know it and I know it. I have a right to protect myself.”
A Texas law strengthening a citizen’s right to self-defense, the so-called “castle doctrine,” went into effect on Sept. 1. It gives Texans a stronger legal right to use deadly force in their homes, cars and workplaces.
The telephone line then went dead, but the man called police again and told a dispatcher what he was doing.
Caller: “Boom. You’re dead.” (Sounds of gunshots) “Get the law over here quick. I’ve managed to get one of them, he’s in the front yard over there. He’s down, the other one is running down the street. I had no choice. They came in the front yard with me, man. I had no choice.
He shot one suspect in the chest and the other in the side.

…I can’t even mock this fucking idiot, because he does too good a job of it all on his own. “Boom. You’re dead.” …Sigh.

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I Hate Gays This Much (| ————————————|)

wmicro216.jpgThe Reverend Ken Hucherson, former Dallas Cowboy linebacker and current crazy person, has taken it upon himself to reverse the gay-friendly policies of Microsoft. In fact, he’s so displeased with the way the company champions gay rights that the good Reverend has decided that he and his church brethren will buy out the company so he can reverse the policies himself.

“There are 256 Fortune 500 companies alone pouring millions upon millions of dollars into pushing the homosexual agenda,” he told The Daily Telegraph.
“I consider myself a warrior for Christ. Microsoft don’t scare me. I got God with me.
“I told them that you need to work with me or we will put a firestorm on you like you have never seen in you life because I am your worst nightmare. I am a black man with a righteous cause with a whole host of powerful white people behind me.”

Great idea, Reverend. You have 3500 members of your church, and Microsoft shares are valued at around $317 billion. So, all you have to do is convince each member of your church to buy up $90 million worth of shares. Easy. Peasy.

(H/T Liberal Avenger)

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The Daily Memo - 11/20/07

check.jpgScrew your DWI charges, cause I’m a judge, bro. (Daily Record)

check.jpgParents in Maryland are pissed about having to show up to court so that their kids get required vaccinations. (FindLaw)

check.jpgIf you care about such things, the American Lawyer summer associate survey is roaming free in the wild. (ATL)

check.jpgYou heard about Mike Tyson’s massive sentence on his drug and DUI charges, right? A hefty one whole day in the clink. (Lawinfo)

check.jpgAre anonymous bloggers protected against defamation? If they’re opinionated assholes, kinda yeah. …We here at QuizLaw breathe an enormous sigh of relief. (Sui Generis)

check.jpgThe D.C. Court of Appeals doesn’t seem so keen on having money changed to help out the blind. (FindLaw)

check.jpgThe California Bar Exam results are out and an 18-year-old girl is among the lucky ones who have passed. Why is she wasting her best drinking years being all grown-up like? (ATL and WSJ Law Blog)

The Feds hate independent businessmen

sheriff-badge.jpgDown in Georgia, Winston Peterson was just trying to make an honest living. His wife ran a business of her own and he thought, “entrepreneur — why that’s something I could do!” So Peterson became a landlord.

Which would be well-and-good if not for the fact that Peterson was the local Sheriff and the tenants he was charging rent to were all the local inmates. Back in 2000, he started charging prisoners $18 a day for room and board, and between 2000 and 2004, he collected over twenty-seven grand. Worse yet, Peterson actually forced at least one inmate to go do slave labor at his wife’s business.

Peterson has now been indicted for perjury, obstruction of justice, using force labor, and extortion. The obstruction charge comes from the fact that he allegedly alerted “an unindicted co-conspirator about the identify of an FBI informant he believed was part of a criminal investigation into courthouse activities.”

I’m telling you, with the Feds getting so nitpicky these days, how the hell does our government except any of us to earn a good living? Crickey.

Happy Holidays, Bushy!

constitution2.jpgThe folks over at the Center for Constitutional Rights are working on giving President Bush a very special Christmas. Specifically, they’re hoping to send him over 25,000 copies of the Constitution as a way to remind him “that he swore an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United Sates,” rather than “systematically destroying” it. You can sign their petition here, and that page also gives you a link where you can donate if you’re so inclined (they say the production and shipping costs come out to about $2.50/Constitution, so they would need a hefty $62,500 to hit their goal of 25,000 Constitutions).

Of course, while this is an amusing and fun idea which I whole-heartedly support, the problem is that it just doesn’t matter. I don’t think Bush needs reminding that he swore an oath to uphold the Constitution. He knows … he just doesn’t care.

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“Something stupid has happened.” “How stupid is it?” “Florida.”

hairspray%20inside.jpgFrom the Northwest Florida Daily News:

A man was arrested for shoplifting two bottles of White Rain Hair Spray, which he drank in the Wal-Mart on Beal Parkway, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office report.

He told the arresting officer that the reason he drank the hair spray was because he was “a hard-core alcoholic” and needed the buzz. When asked why he simply didn’t use the $15 found on him to get some real booze, he said he was shopping at that Wal-Mart, and when he spotted the hair spray, “The temptation was too great.”

Wow, his next crap is going to have so much life and bounce to it now. With a natural-looking sheen and fuller body. That is going to be one spectacular poo!

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Chuck Norris Endorses Huckabee, Single-Handedly Protects Border

chuck_norris.jpgI’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Mike Huckabee is the coolest, nicest politician that I will never, ever vote for. He’s a right-to-lifing, pro-gun, anti-gay, evolution-disbelieving, crazy-Christian Republican, and yet I can’t help myself: He’s charming and likable as hell, self-effacing, and other than being absolutely wrong most of the time, a pretty smart guy to boot.

Now Huckabee has Chuck Norris in his camp, hoping to bolster his chances in Iowa, where he’s set to overtake Mitt Romney in polls, and is even threatening to become an actual force in the GOP election. And, as his commercial with Norris attests, Huckabee has a helluva sense of humor, too.

Fred Thompson, surly “Law and Order” vet, claims that Huckabee’s TV spot proves that he’s not serious about immigration.

“With his new campaign ad featuring Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee has confused celebrity endorsement with serious policy. What would Huckabee do to secure America’s border against millions of illegal immigrants pouring into our country? According to his ad, ‘Two words: Chuck Norris,’” said Thompson campaign spokesman Todd Harris.

I mean, do you need more? I think Chuck can handle border control by himself. And Thompson: Get off your lazy ass and go find a sense of humor, man.

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This Old Man Came Rolling Home

13030.jpgA man in Winnipeg got stinky sloshed and apparently he got frisky with … well … he played stick the …er … he gave a stuffed dog a bone.

A Winnipeg man who turned an East Kildonan garage into an impromptu passion pit paid a stiff price yesterday for his heavy petting session with a stuffed toy dog.
The 27-year-old man pleaded guilty to mischief and break, enter and theft and was sentenced to six months in jail.
Court heard Winnipeg police were called shortly before 6 p.m. on March 26 after a Chelsea Avenue resident spotted the man breaking into her garage. The man exited the garage a short time later and moved on to a neighbour’s garage, where he stole a lawn mower, a mountain bike, a blanket and a stuffed toy dog.
The man eventually returned to the first garage, where police found him nearly two hours later passed out inside a boat.
“He was lying there with his genitalia exposed next to the stuffed dog,” said Crown attorney John Peden. “While the police report doesn’t describe it this way, the dog might be appropriately characterized as now being anatomically correct, as opposed to its condition before he removed it.”

I can’t even begin to understand what that means. It sounds like he fucked a stuffed toy, but no one would do that, right?

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The Daily Memo - 11/19/07

check.jpgLast Thursday, the Supremes put the temporary kibosh on the execution of a convicted child killer in Florida. (CNN)

check.jpg“30 Interview Questions You Can’t Ask and 30 Sneaky, Legal Alternatives to Get the Same Info.” (HR World)

check.jpgOf TV show titles and trademark law. (The Hollywood Reporter, via The Trademark Blog)

check.jpgApparently, it’s not too hot in the hot tub. (WT&E Prof Blog)

check.jpgFormer Supreme Sanda Day is tickled pink that her husband has fallen in love with another gal. (AGIS)

check.jpgWait, what? You mean NASA isn’t as well funded as the DoD? Get. Outta. Here. (Slashdot)

check.jpgFork me? Fork YOU! (MLive.com)

check.jpgWisconsin is considering legislation which would make it the 23rd state to require fire-safe cigarettes which extinguish themselves when not being smoked. (La Cross Tribune)

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It just doesn’t stop, does it?

capt.sge.txc75.131107034830.photo00.photo.default-512x341.jpgFirst, there was the lead. Then the GHB. Now, it is being revealed that cheap and popular Chinese headbands have been made from…ugh…used condoms.

Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday.
In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, rubber hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province, China Daily newspaper said.
“These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well … threatening the health of local people,” it said.
Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said.
“People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns,” the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying.

I don’t know what’s worse: the splooge-in-hair jokes, or that they actually said that the doctor they quoted only wanted to be called “Dong.”

The holiday season begins!

santa_ho_ho_hoCrop.gifIt may seem just a bad joke, but it is all too real. Santa (at least in Australia) has been forced to drop his signature laugh.

Santas in Australia’s largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas’s traditional “ho ho ho” greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.
Sydney’s Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say “ha ha ha” instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.
One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use “ho ho ho” because it could frighten children and was too close to “ho”, a US slang term for prostitute.

Oh, St. Nick. Should have kept your pimp hand a little stronger.

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Representative Jim Gooch - King of the Hillbilly Hicks

gooch.jpgThat Jabba-looking guy over there is Representative Jim Gooch, a democrat in the fine state of Kentucky’s legislature. And he don’t believe in none of that global warming hooey. So when he set up a hearing on global warming, as the chairman of the interim joint Agriculture and Natural Resources Committee, he purposefully didn’t invite anyone who believes in global warming because god forbid there be a two-sided debate. “You can only that the sky is falling so many times,” he said. “We hear it every day from the news media, from the colleges, from Hollywood.”

After some other committee members protested the one-sided nature of this, Gooch let two environmentalists in the audience talk for a few minutes but said that “it really wasn’t my intention to get into much science today.” And besides, even if he wanted to get into the science of it all, how the hell could he:

“Well, I mean, where are we going to get scientists?” Gooch asked. “We’re limited here in Kentucky to what we can do. I don’t know how we’d necessarily get scientists to come here.”

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Well Florida or New York, he still swallows

jeter-sheff.jpgYankees shortshop Derek Jeter has got the state of New York breathing down his neck in a “we want our two dollars” fashion. Seems that Jeter has been claiming his Tampa, Florida home has his primary residence for the whole time he’s been playing with the Yankees. But New York says that between 2001 and 2003 Jeter was actually a NY resident and should have been paying them some state taxes. And with a three-year salary of $38 million during that time frame, his tax payment would be no small potatoes.

Jeter’s agent says this is rubbish, and that Florida has always been his home. And a judge isn’t sold on the state’s position yet either, issuing an order asking the state for “a more detailed document specifying [Jeter’s] ‘community involvement in jurisdictions other than Florida’ and ‘public statements regarding his desire to be in New York.’”

Man, I don’t care what it would cost in tax payments — I’d pay anything to claim someplace other than Florida as my home. Know what I mean?


helen-mirren-picture-1.jpgFirst Dumbledore is outed, now this. An elementary school librarian in Saskatchewan banned an award-winning children’s book because one character had been described as having “generous bazoongas,” instead of the much more stately choices of “gazongas,” “dirty pillows,” “handholds,” and, of course, “Tiddy Bear holders.”

For those sick bastards who might be curious, here is a little info on the offensive material:

Trouble on Tarragon Island is the third in the series set on a fictional Gulf Island in British Columbia. It features a 13-year-old girl named Heather Blake who wrestles with her feelings about her grandmother’s behaviour, which includes breaking the law to protest against clear-cut logging.
When the grandmother poses for a nude calendar as a fundraising gimmick, the girl becomes the target of schoolyard taunts.
“What they say about my grandmother is true,” the girl says. “She does have generous bazoongas, and all of Tarragon Island has seen them.”

I must say, that is quite distasteful. I do so hope they lock this purveyor of filth away. Who would think nude grandmothers and their giant John Cougar Mellon-camps are appropriate for children to read about? Unless the grandmother is Helen Mirren. She is a right old bird, and an Essex girl as well.

Yeah, I wouldn’t mind that at all. What’s that? I shouldn’t use the site to discuss my personal fantasies, especially in a horrible twisting of a British accent in type? How dare you! Censorship!!!

Tickets to “Gun Show” sold out

Muscle.gifPoor Akinwale Arobieke. He tried, he really did. But the temptation was too great. The man is only human. How can you expect him to stop squeezing other men’s biceps in public?

A man has been convicted of breaching a court order which bans him from “touching, feeling or measuring” any muscle areas. Akinwale Arobieke, known as Purple Aki, was captured on CCTV film in the Mall St George’s in Preston, Lancashire, grabbing the bicep of a young man. He touched the man who quickly moved away.

Maybe there is some sort of “12-inch Python” patch. Or a “Man Meat Anonymous.” Let’s just be glad he never met Barry Bonds. I mean, what is one to do when Grope-a-mania is running wild on you?

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Don’t Tase Me, Bro …. Wait. That’s Not Funny.

taser_laser.jpgFor some reason, video of a Polish man being tasered to death was made available on YouTube so that all the world could experience this man’s last blood curdling scream before the life was snuffed out of him. The details of the incident, if you choose (wisely) not to watch the video, are that Robert Dziekanski, a Polish man, who had taken his first flight ever, landed in Vancouver. Basically, he began acting erratically — he started throwing shit because, so far as I can tell, he spoke a language no one could understand and therefore no one could help him. However, it didn’t appear that the man was putting up a struggle before he got tasered. But, Canadian police shocked him twice, and Dziekanski writhed around for a few seconds and then died.

At any rate, the video — filmed by some guy on a his cell phone — is here, if you want to see it.

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Who would Jesus pimp?

buddy-jesus.jpgReader Jen pointed out this story, noting that “at least the Catholics are giving the Republicans a run for their money.” No doubt. The Catholic in question would be Dr. Paul Schum, the 50-year-old principal of a Catholic high school in Bardstown, Kentucky (the article says that Bardstown is “known as the first center of Catholicism west of the Appalachian Mountains,” for whatever that’s worth). So last month, a cop was doing a routine patrol of the neighborhood, looking for drug dealers and hookers and the such, when he noticed a gal “dressed to the nines.” As a metro police detective put it:

[The patrol officer] observed the individual dressed in a black leather woman’s outfit with fishnet stockings, fake breasts, a blonde wig and he had on lipstick.

Yuppers — our hooker-in-waiting was none other than the good Doctor himself, in drag, and prowling the street for fresh meat. He was charged with loitering for the purpose of prostitution and, the next day (Halloween), the Archdiocese of Louisville issued a statement noting that the good Doctor had asked for, and would be getting, a paid personal leave while things were worked out.

It’s too bad for Dr. Schum that he wasn’t busted one day later, ‘cause then he just could’ve said he was out trick or treating!

Here’s a photo of Dr. Schum. Unfortunately, it’s sans drag.


Having seen what some of the gals who walk the street look like (god bless you HBO), if you can get over the big hands and the adam’s apple, I bet he’s better than average when done up all sexy like.

The Most Important Question Facing Congress Today. Period.

250px-Toasted_sandwich.jpgWas Kennison “Mohammed” Battle fired from his position at the Capitol Hill cafeteria because Indiana Republican Representative Mark Souder had him fired after Mohammed grilled his sandwich instead of toasting it?

We may never know — the cover-up is extensive. House Administration Committee Chairman Robert Brady (D-Pa.), who has jurisdiction over the cafeteria, is pissed off and trying to get Mohammed his job back. Souder now claims that he had nothing to do with the firing. And the cafe manager, who says she was “forced” to fire Mohammed, has only this to say now: “No talking to reporters! No talking to reporters, please!”

Can we get the President to open up an independent investigation? What’s Ken Starr doing? Can we get Veronica Mars? We need to get to the bottom of this. Now. Before the clues dry up, before the trail goes cold. We must end this national nightmare. Today.

The Daily Memo - 11/16/07

check.jpgWait, what? The Democratic debate was uneventful? Get. Outta. Here! (Andrew Sullivan’s Daily Dish)

check.jpgAwwww, poor guy - “Bush embarrassed by new attorney general.” (Telegraph)

check.jpg“You’re so sued: Comcast kerplowed with class action suit for P2P blockage.” (Gizmodo)

check.jpgBest blawg headline of the week? “Oh for fuck’s sake Court of Appeal - get a life.” (GeekLawyer’s Blog)

check.jpgOur favorite Law Review, the Boston University Law Review, has been added to the Law Review Table of Contents Project. (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgA law firm has been sued for allegedly cheating lawyers out of promised bonuses after winning a $172 million judgment against Wal-Mart. (Law.com)

The lesser of two evils

toe-tag.jpgRecently, I was telling folks about this old quandary a high school friend used to hit people with (and be warned - it’s rather foul):

Suppose you’re buried up to your neck in a bucket of vomit. You can’t move, except to lower your head into the vomit. Meanwhile, someone is swinging a large bag of shit at your head. It is guaranteed to burst upon impact. Do you keep your head up and take face full of shit, or do you dip your head into the vomit?

The best follow-up to this I ever heard was when someone asked, “well, is it my shit and vomit?”

Anyway, I could see another variant of this, where one option is that you can have sex with a 92-year-old woman while the other is that you can bone a corpse. Which would you do?

If you’re Anthony Merino, a 24-year-old Teaneck, New Jersey man, you apparently don’t see this as a “lesser of two evils” inquiry and would rather just kill two birds with one stone. Yup — Merino has been arrested for having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman in the local morgue. He’s been charged with a second degree count of desecrating human remains. He’s also expected to undergo a psychological evaluation, which I don’t get. I mean, what sane person wouldn’t want to give a poke to granny’s corpse?


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The Heavy Hand of the Law

060531_scoop_lohan_vmed_1p.widec.jpgLindsay Lohan, who has been arrested this year for DUI and for chasing the SUV of her assistant’s mother and in both instances was found in possession of cocaine, turned herself into authorities yesterday to serve her prison sentence.

Our fine justice system threw the book at her. LL was forced to serve a long, agonizing, miserable 84-minute prison sentence. That’s right — almost the length of an average movie. I don’t know why she was so harshly punished, but I think we need to take a good long hard look at our penal system. Prison sentences have gotten out of hand — nearly 90 minutes! It’s just going to harden this woman more.

I hope that her lawyers get involved — that sentence did not fit the crime. The city ought to be sued for cruel and unusual punishment. Our power-hungry law enforcers have gotten out of hand. Out. of. Hand. Just because she’s a celebrity does not mean that she should be made an example — sentences that lengthy should be reserved for people who deserve them. Like murderers. And pedophiles. This sweet little girl shouldn’t have gotten a second over three minutes.

Hang in there, Linsday . We’re all praying for you.

The best defense ever

odometer.jpgIn Dublin, Ireland, David Clarke was facing charges for speeding, after being caught going 180 kilometers per hour. But he argued that the charges should be reduced because the situation didn’t look as bad if you converted his speed to miles, as he was only going 112 miles per hour.

And District Court Judge Denis McLouglin agreed! The judge said that he wasn’t excusing Clarke’s driving, as Clarke shouldn’t have been speeding. But he lowered the charge to careless driving, fining Clark a hefty euro 1,000 (about $1,450) but letting him keep his license (the stiffer charge of dangerous driving would’ve led to his license being revoked).

Barry Bonds: Screwed

barry_bonds.jpgYeah, it’s not that surprising. And no, nobody likes Barry Bonds.

But, I’m still a little bummed that the guy with the sporting world’s biggest record is facing 30 years in the clink. There are probably a lot of kids, kids who haven’t been completely disillusioned by life, who looked up to this jackass.

The guy doesn’t deserve an asterisk next to his homerun record — he deserves to have it erased, wiped out, and eliminated, as if he never existed at all.

Florida! Florida! Florida! Florida!

Jeans_zipper_closeup.jpgAll of the following stories have two things in common: 1) They all involved ridiculously dumb people, and 2) they all take place in Florida. Grab a beer, take off your pants, and enjoy:

1) A suspected drug dealer who led police on a foot-chase into a stranger’s house, where he hid behind a washing machine and prompted a standoff, admitted during his interrogation that he wasn’t “a bad person,” he was just a lowly drug dealer. ”I don’t want to incriminate myself, but that was some good fire weed in the car,” Troy McClean told police. That’s not incriminating at all, Mr. McClean. It just suggests that you’re guilty.

2) Adam Phillips was pulled over for driving erratically, and when the officer approached his car, Adam said, “I don’t have time for this (expletive).” When asked to get out of the car because the cop suspected he was drunk, the officer noticed that Phillips’ zipper was down. When asked why his pants were unzipped, Phillips — who was accompanied by a female passenger — referred to a sexual act that had been taking place and said that he was “heading home for more.” There were eight empty Miller beer cans in the car. When Phillips was taken to jail, he told police he had a “learning disability.” Ya think?

3) For this one, I’ll just let the lead sentence say it all: “A Tuesday night domestic incident deputies say involving a pumpkin, beer and acrylic nails landed two people in jail.” Oh, and there was also some strangulation involved.

And finally, 4) Matthew James walked into a gas station, unloaded a round at the teller, and swiped the cash register. However, during his getaway: (i) he shot himself in the hip, (ii) he lost his pants, and (iii) presumably because he was wounded and pants-less, he dumped the cash register.

Only in Florida, folks.

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Poetic Justice

vert.behar.jpgI’ve finally decided what the appropriate punishment for Bill O’Reilly’s existence should be: He ought to be sexually assaulted by each of the women from “The View.” I wanna see a box of sex toys, a can of Crisco, some magic beads, and a gagged and hogtied Bill O’Reilly on a plush carpet with Joy Behar attacking him with a strap-on.

This girl can dream too, Seth.

Here’s a glimpse at the foreplay:

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The Daily Memo - 11/15/07

check.jpgGod bless the Scalia - he might be an asshole, but he’s a funny asshole. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgTacky ads? For lawyers? …In-con-ceivable! (Overlawyered)

check.jpgRecusal because of blowjobs? You better believe we’re linking to this story! (Above the Law)

check.jpgWell it’s not a surprise, but it’s still a bummer to learn that foreclosure filings are up in “metro areas of California, Florida and other once-booming housing markets.” (FindLaw)

check.jpgSo what? It’s not possible to bill twenty-three-and-a-half-hours in a single day? (Overlawyered)

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With tuition that high, they better be singing and dancing!

busl-alumni.jpgOver at the WSJ Law Blog, Ashby Jones recently posted an entry related to a little law school Dustin and I happened to go to, good ol’ Boston University School of Law (“BUSL” to the cool kids). Entitled The Minstrel of BU Law School, Jones talks about his discovery, thanks to NPR, of professor Mark Pettit. Pettit is well know at BUSL for singing in his class. Now he doesn’t do it often — maybe once or twice a year — but still, that’s more than most. I never had Pettit for contracts (Dustin and I both had the wonderfully Tasmanian Devil-like Wally Miller), but everything I heard was that Pettit was a good prof and a pretty good guy. So good on him for getting a little NPR notoriety.

Fun fact — at least one year, Pettit and three other professors auctioned off a private classroom concert for one of the first year sections. This was at the school’s annual public interest auction and while I don’t recall what the final price was for the crooners, I do remember that it was well over $1,300. So Pettit not only teaches with his silky smooth voice, but he uses it for the greater good!

BUtower.jpgIn Jones’ entry, he also expresses shock that the Princeton Review ranked BUSL as having the best faculty in the country, asking “who knew?” Clearly he never received any of BU’s marketing materials, because the faculty is often ranked #1 (at some point during my tenure there, they hit something like 5 or 6 years in a row of being ranked #1), and the school pimps that shit out like nobody’s business. When you have the ugliest and most awkward law school building in the country (that monstrous tower to the right), however, you kinda have to flaunt whatever else you got.

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Well I prefer his form of art to those living statute people painted in silver or gold

flasher.jpgFrom news.com.au:

A German flasher stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court.
“The court withdrew for deliberations and during the adjournment the man removed his clothes again,” said a spokesman for the court in the western city of Duisburg.
“It appears he sees it as art, and views himself as a living work of art.”
The 60-year-old was in court to appeal against his conviction for running onto the pitch naked during a girl’s soccer match and striking a range of “body builder poses”, the spokesman said.
State prosecutors filed fresh charges of indecent behaviour against the man after the court incident.

To hell with your supposed Constitutional rights - we needs our money!

parking-tickets%281%29.jpgBoston and Washington, D.C. are pissed off about the fact that folks are going to court to contest parking tickets, taking away revenue from the cities. I mean, why should citizens take advantage of their right to have their day in court? So D.C. is phasing out the right to challenge any parking citation. And in Boston and other Massachusetts cities, folks “cannot challenge a $100 parking ticket in court without first paying a $275 court fee,” a fee which is not refunded if they’re ultimately found innocent.

Looks like Bush’s attempt to turn our country into a Constitution-free zone is contagious.

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How Do We Beat the Bitch?

hillary-clinton-in-rolling-stone.jpgThat was the question posed to John McCain during a campaign speech, and oddly enough, he knew exactly who the questioner was referring to. And while McCain swore that he respected “her,” his body language and follow-up response suggested that he found the question immensely amusing (video is after the jump).

Indeed, the suggestion was as such: “Hillary is a bitch … ha ha ha! But, I really respect her. The bitch, I mean. In fact, I respect all bitches — I mean, women. Especially strong and well-spoken bitches.”

It’s a good thing that Obama isn’t the leading Democrat and a racist asked McCain a similar question — I wonder how he’d have responded then?

I really used to like you, McCain.

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At least it wasn’t a priest

jesus-phone.jpgFrom The Journal News:

A 35-year-old man who was accused of breaking into a Valley Cottage church to use its phone to call a sex hotline was arraigned last night before Clarkstown Justice Scott Ugell.
James Macnair, whose address was not available last night, was arrested by Clarkstown police yesterday afternoon when he was accused of breaking into Elim Alliance Church on Lake Road and using the church’s phone to call a sex hotline number, Ugell said.
Ugell said Macnair told police that he broke into the same church Friday for the same purpose.
Macnair was charged with two-counts of burglary, felonies, and misdemeanors of possession of burglars tools and petty larceny. Ugell said because of his two felony convictions in the past, Macnair was held without bail and will return to court at 1:30 p.m. tomorrow.

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The Daily Memo - 11/14/07

check.jpgThat’s my kind of habit. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgAnd that’s totally my kind of footnote. Thy will be done indeed. (WSJ Law Blog)

check.jpgWhile MA governor Deval Patrick continues the march for slot casinos in the Commonwealth, he’d like all online gamblers tossed in the clink for two years. Scumbag gamblers! (Valleywag)

check.jpgSo wait, being a judge doesn’t entitle you to blow jobs from your staff? Maybe they do need a raise then. (Above the Law)

check.jpgJeff Goldblum and his dirty double entendres are being taken to court. (Cinematical)

check.jpgOne Illinois school district is planning to ignore new legislation requiring all public schools to have a moment of silence. (Chicago Tribune)

check.jpgA two-year-old British girl was sent a citation for speeding at 65 miles per hour, although the authorities eventually (and begrudgingly) admitted that it was, you know, a mistake. (Daily Mail)

check.jpg“It’s not easy being us.” The “us” here being lawyers with broad duties of confidentiality. (Law.com)

Latest candidate for Mother of the Year

jesus-phone.jpgAn Idaho woman, Pamela Joan Fargo, has been arrested on two charges of felony injury to a child after detectives entered her home (working on a prior investigation) and “were immediately overcome by a strong odor and could see evidence of dog and cat urine and feces on furniture and on the floor in each of the rooms.”

Now if a mother wants to raise her kids among urine and feces, I say that’s her prerogative. But where I draw the line, and why I’m glad Fargo was arrested, is with this:

During their investigation, detectives also found a partial carcass of an elk on the garage floor.

I understand that Fargo’s 14 and 17-year-old sons were devastated because they don’t know who they’re going to play with now that Eugene the Elk is gone.

Our Children Are Suffering — We Have to Act Now

01-hannah-montana-300a101106.jpgWe cover a lot of frivolous lawsuits and amusing criminal stories here at QuizLaw, but occasionally, we have to cover a few of the more serious legal issues. And there is nothing more grave that the class-action lawsuit filed in New Jersey yesterday. As one lawyer involved in the action noted, “We need to make sure our youngsters are protected from the unscrupulous.”

This grim matter, of course, is the class-action being filed against the official Miley Cyrus (a.k.a. Hannah Montana) fan club. Allegedly, this dastardly organization exploited the fans of the 14-year-old daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, breaking their achy hearts by taking their $30 membership fees in exchange for priority ticket-buying power. But these amoral bastards allegedly have not been delivering on their promise, as thousands of hopeful ticket-buyers are getting shut out, while the less ardent fans — people who don’t care enough about Hannah Montana to pony up $30 — are obtaining those tickets instead.

A New Jersey woman is filing the suit on behalf of several thousand people who have suffered — suffered — because they weren’t able to see Hannah in person. because they weren’t able to enjoy her Disney Karaoke Series in person or enjoy the pop-ditty “Pumpin’ Up the Party,” along with fellow Hannah Montana enthusiasts.

It’s a goddamn tragedy, folks. A tragedy. Let’s pray for these poor people.

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Look kids - Big Ben, Parliament…

big-ben-parliament.jpgUKTV Gold researchers conducted a survey to come up with the “most ludicrous laws” in the UK, most of which are old laws that have just never been repealed. There are some real gems on this list, including:

It’s illegal to fire a canon nearby a house.
It’s illegal to use a slide on snow or ice.
It might be considered an act of treason to put a postage stamp upside down if that stamp bears an image of a king or queen.
It’s illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas Day (a law which “almost half of those asked confessed to breaking”).
It’s illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament if you’re wearing a suit of armor.

But there are two others that are real winners. First, there’s the one that, far and away, garnered the most support for being the most ridiculous:

It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

And then there’s this one, which isn’t actually a ban, but arguably a civil right:

In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants.

Oh, Come On: Grow a Pair

20070618-100950-6811.jpgA music critic over at the Washington Post got a little miffed at all the unsolicited emailed press releases he kept getting from former D.C. mayor and known crack addict, Marion Barry. So, Pulitzer-Prize winning critic, Tim Page, sent this missive to a Barry aide:

Must we hear about it every time this crack addict attempts to rehabilitate himself with some new — and typically half-witted — political grandstanding? I’d be grateful if you would take me off your mailing list. I cannot think of anything the useless Marion Barry could do that would interest me in the slightest, up to and including overdose.

Awesome, right? I mean, Page is writing exactly what he thinks. Major ups for speaking your mind, Mr. Page.

However, you lose a ton of points for apologizing … and not just apologizing, but for saying that “It’s the stupidest thing I’ve done in 30 years in journalism.” Well, bullshit, Tim. That wasn’t stupid — that was honest. And maybe in the world of real journalism, honesty and stupidity go hand-in-hand (how else would one explain the mainstream media’s early Iraq War coverage), but I have to say that I appreciated it. And I hope the Post tells Barry, who is calling for Page’s head, to go fuck off. Barry is a half-wit crack addict — and besides, Page is a music critic. Not a political journalist. Hell, Page probably spends half his life discussing the music of half-wit crack addicts — there’s no reason he ought to temper his writing because he’s talking about a politician.

Don’t Tase Me, Bro — Self Infliction Edition


A police officer has been reprimanded for accidentally discharging a Taser, causing an injury — to the police officer.

Madison police released a report Monday on the July 31 incident, without revealing the officer’s name or gender. The department said the Taser accidentally discharged during a standard checkout procedure.

Barney Fife would be so proud.

Homeless Man and Sleepwalking Woman Go to White Castle

353px-White_Castle_logo.svg.pngThe defense lawyer for a homeless man being tried for rape is arguing that the victim consented to the sex. The catch: She was sleepwalking at the time.

Dexter Ford, 52, is charged with raping the 23-year-old woman early Thursday morning near Interstate 71 in Cincinnati.
Ford’s lawyer, Jeff Adams, said prosecutors told him the woman takes prescription medication and has a sleepwalking condition, a fact that will likely be the core part of Ford’s defense.
Adams has not said if Ford spoke to the woman and whether she consented to sex. Messages seeking comment were left with Adams on Saturday.
Two passing motorists reported seeing Ford on top of a woman near a White Castle restaurant on Taft Road near I-71, and called police from their cell phones, Cincinnati police said.
When police arrived, the woman was still asleep, according to police reports. She was taken to University Hospital for treatment.
“It goes to consent,” he said. “How is he to know she is sleepwalking, if it’s a dream ‘yes’ or a real ‘yes?’ “

Hmmm. Well, if it were a dream, she wouldn’t have been lying underneath a homeless man 30-years her senior outside of a White Castle. What the fuck, man? That’s your defense? What — is the defense lawyer sleepwalking through the trail, too? Sheesh.

The Daily Memo - 11/13/07

check.jpgMmmmm … jenkem. (The Legal Satyricon)

check.jpgA 12-year-old Illinois girl is being allowed back to school, with her record expunged, after being kicked out for having a maroon hair weave. (PJStar)

check.jpgWhat’s up with the Autoadmit lawsuit? (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgCongrats to Above the Law for being voted the best law blog (whether they actually are the best law blog is, of course, another thing entirely!). (Above the Law)

check.jpgA new bill in the House would keep federal funds from schools that don’t do a better job of policing internet piracy. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgGoogle’s being sued by Northeastern University for patent infringement. (Slashdot)

check.jpgThe FISA amendments and all the related crap are the latest example of how Congress “seems incapable of mustering any meaningful power against the Executive Branch.” (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgA school board is suing a student’s parents because the parents setup an online petition calling for the principal to be accountable to parents. (The Star)

Dude, why you gotta be a buzzkill?

burglary.jpgJose Guadalupe Flores was minding his own business when two masked men busted into his home and started ransacking the place. So he did what any worried homeowner would do — he called the authorities, and then he got the hell out of there. Trouble is, the two miscreants were there to steal Flores’ weed, eventually making off with 150 pounds (!) of mary jane. When Flores showed back up at his home, sheriff’s deputies were there, wrapping up the 15 pounds of leftover pot they found lying on the floor.

“The guy walked right up and said the drugs were his,” [Sheriff Lupe] Trevino said. “That’s not the smartest move.”

You think?

So now Flores is facing felony possession charges. Worse yet, he’s an illegal immigrant, so he’s stuck in jail until his trial, and he can surely kiss his time in Los Estados Unitos adios.

Thank god the children can’t find porn on the internet

adult-books.jpgIn Warren, Michigan, folks have been bothered by the existance of a local pron store which has been around since the 70s, the harmlessly named Bookworld (which sits on the more pornishly-named Van Dyke Avenue). But rather than employing the brutish tactics most podunk cities use to shut down the local porn joints, folks in Warren took a more sensible approach: “After weeks of hush-hush negotiations,” the city is just buying the store.

The city will shell out $295K for the store, although the current owners have to get rid of all the inventory and have agreed not to reopen anywhere else within the Warren city limits. Says one local parent: “Now, we don’t have to worry about the children being exposed to that environment.” One assumes the city will eventually rent the property out to a company like McDonalds, one that doesn’t harm our children in any way. Wholesome Big Macs for everyone!

(Bonus link: the owner of a porn shop in Staunton, Virginia has been indicted on eight counts of violating the state’s obscenity law. Staunton should take a lesson from Warren and just buy After Hours Video.)

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“Attorney at Blah”

typers.jpgCourtesy of Above the Law, we find an interesting article in in the Washington City Paper called, as this entry’s title suggests, Attorney at Blah”. The article is about the life of a contract attorney (temp work for lawyers), something more and more law school graduates are having to do as the market becomes inundated with new lawyers. The author, Arin Greenwood, sums up the life pretty succinctly:

For more and more law school graduates, this is the legal life: On a given day, they may plow through a few hundred documents—e-mails, PowerPoint presentations, memos, and anything else on a hard drive. Each document appears on their computer screen. They read it, then click one of the buttons on the screen that says “relevant” or “not relevant,” and then they look at the next document.

I’ve done a smattering of contract work (and thankfully, only a smattering), and it’s absolutely that droll and mind-numbing (although I will say that it served my other life as a TV critic well, as I was able to watch quite a bit of downloaded shows while clicking away on documents). However, it’s not all downside. It’s low key, and you pretty much never have to take your work home with you. Plus, the pay for contract attorneys isn’t bad, by any stretch — the going rate in Boston floats around $30 an hour, while in NYC and D.C. that number gets closer to $40 an hour, and some jobs offer overtime (sometimes even copious overtime). But there’s an absolute lack of job security and very little chance of meaningful promotion (although I have known folks to land full-time firm gigs from contract work). And I suspect your brain slowly rots over time. Also, it’s worth noting that Greenwood is wrong in suggesting that there’s never health insurance, as many of the agencies that place contract attorneys offer folks a health insurance plan that’s not much more in cost than what they’d pay at working at a firm, and certainly less than purchasing health insurance entirely on their own.

Greenwood also notes that temp attorneys “live for e-mails that have some spark of humanity in them, even if they are banal.” That’s definitely true — the highlight of my little time as a temp attorney was absolutely the day I discovered a long string of e-mails between a husband and wife who got in to an absolutely preposterous argument about some ridiculous thing that I can’t remember, and which ended with the wife bullying the husband into an apology and a promise of flowers and a fancy dinner. Typical woman! (Send your hate mail to misogynistpig@quizlaw.com.)

Anyway, the article is an interesting read, and if you’re thinking about going to law school, you would do well to check it out.

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Sam Donaldson: So Busted

_1446410_webby_300.jpgBig Head DC is reporting that, among the numbers listed on the escort records of the D.C. Madam, Jeane Palfrey, is none other than: Sam Donaldson, who is married.

Palfrey has told Big Head DC that she has communicated with Donaldson via telephone on at least one occasion. Once when she talked to Donaldson, she says, he was immediately panicked and asked how she got his number. Other times he left messages in her voice mail. Donaldson has not returned repeated requests for comment.

Wait — I thought Vulcans never lied? I wonder what the D.C. Madam thought of the Vulcan nerve pinch? Kinky.

And, in a related story, one of the prostitutes working for the D.C. Madam, Wendy Cortez, describes her affair with Senator David Vitter to Hustler. Apparently, Vitter didn’t like perfume and it was “missionary, get it and go.” If you’re interested, there are more details in the video below.

Hmm … Are We Going too Far?

Genarlow-Wilson.jpgWe’ve been huge supporters here at QuizLaw for the overturning of Genarlow Barlow’s prison sentence, and we were extremely happy to see that the George Supreme Court overturned the 10-year sentence on grounds that it was cruel and unusual. Clearly, a 10-year sentence for consensual sex is ridiculous.

But whoa now. Over the weekend, Genarlow Wilson was greeted with a standing ovation and was awarded with the NCAAP’s Staying the Course Youth Award. He was being celebrated as a hero — a model for youth. And now don’t get me wrong: I applaud the kid for fighting the sentence. That he stuck it out until the sentencing decision was reversed is admirable.

But a role model? Lest we forget why Wilson was convicted in the first place. Sure — the sex he had with an underage girl was consensual, buuut, he received oral sex and had vaginal intercourse with a drunk 15-year-old girl, on tape. Is that really someone we want to hold up as a role model for the yougins? What’s the message here? If you videotape yourself having sex with a drunk 15 year old you’ll be a hero if you reduce your sentence? Is that something we want to encourage?

In either respect, congrats to Genarlow, but dude: I hope when you accept these awards, you also admit that the only reason why you were put in this situation in the first place was because you fucked up. Big time.

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The Daily Memo - 11/12/07

check.jpgRIM is suing LG over some of its phones because it claims that no wireless device can use the words “black,” “berry” or “pearl.” (Gizmodo)

check.jpgThat’s a lot of cheesecake — the Cheesecake Factory has won $74 million in a lawsuit against a landlord which tried to block the restaurant chain from opening a nearby competitive location. (Blogging Stocks)

check.jpgBut that’s nothing! Merck has agreed to pay a staggering $4.85 billion to settle the state and federal Vioxx lawsuits. (FindLaw)

check.jpgSenator Tom Harkin (D-IA) says that “‘king’ Bush no longer honors right that dates to Middle Ages.” (The Raw Story)

check.jpgYard sales? In our town?! No ma’am!! (Star Tribune)

check.jpg“Briton David Throner was dedicated to his employer for 25 years and now after a two-year legal battle he owns the $4.9 million farm on which he worked.” (UPI)

check.jpgA Mobile, Alabama man has been charged with busting into an elementary school’s cafeteria and stealing $2.25 from the cash register. (al.com)

check.jpgNorway’s Supreme Court has tossed out the prison conviction of a man who tossed a layer cake at the Finance Minister, hitting him in the head. (Aftenposten)

Taking out a bounty on Dog

cartman-dog.jpgSurely y’all have heard of the trouble that Duane “Dog” Chapman got into recently, when his son sold a tape of a phone conversation where Dog dropped the n-bomb a couple of times. Well now the son’s girlfriend, Monique Shinnery, says she’s planning to sue the Dog for slander. On the tape, Dog says that he doesn’t want his son dating Shinnery because he likes to use the n-word and is afraid she’d tape him using it and sell it to the National Enquirer. Since then, Dog’s been making the requisite public apology tour, and the subject of Shinnery has necessarily come up.

Dog says he’s not happy about his son dating her, not because she’s black but because he thinks she could cause the kid trouble, especially given the fact that he’s currently on probation. Well Shinnery says this is slander and she isn’t having it:

I’m going to sue Dog Chapman. … I want justice. He has slandered me, stated that I have bad character and repeatedly lied about me on national television. If I’m ever going to hold my head up in public again, I need to stand up for what is right…. Dog Chapman knows nothing about my character. He doesn’t know me, and he has never met me. I have had threats from his fans. I have been hiding, afraid to go out. After Dog’s slander against me, my boss told me they might require that I take a drug test. I have never done drugs.

Well I’m not sure that being forced to take a drug test meets the damages threshold, but threats from fans might, just a little. In any event, Shinnery says that her lawsuit won’t be about racism, and not about the money, it’s “about defending my good name.” But, of course, it’s totally about the racism and the money — the race element is what will get a quick settlement or help her case at trial, and money is what she really wants at the end of the day.

Speaking of race and money, how come Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have been so quiet on this one?

(Bonus story link: The LA City Council has passed a resolution which bans the use of the n-word. City Councilman Bernard Parks says the use of the word implies that the speak is lazy and stupid. That is, that they’re like Dog the Bounty Hunter.)

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No high school students need read this site

lawrence-jhs.jpgThe folks over at Concurring Opinions pointed me towards a site that purports to rate the level of education necessary to read your blog. The levels include: Elementary School, Junior High, High School, College (Undergrad), College (Postgrad) and Genius. When I ran QuizLaw through the site, it came back with “Junior High School.” Ditto that for sister sites Pajiba and Webster’s Is My Bitch. I take minor umbrage with its rating of QuizLaw and Webster’s, as I think we’re at least a little smarter than that, but I take major umbrage with Pajiba’s rating, as I think, filthy humor aside, it really does take a bit of education to truly get what folks are talking about.

But whatever, if all we garner is Junior High, than so be it. It could be worse I guess, as we find good company with Volokh Conspiracy, Above the Law and the Gray Lady. And at least we earn the Junior High rating with our frequent dick jokes. I don’t see Volokh making dick jokes. Consider the gauntlet thrown, Eugene!

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We’d rather have the lead, honestly

rg_bindeez_wideweb__470x415%2C0.jpgFirst, Chinese toys were found to contain lead. Now these toys from a company in Melbourne, Australia (again?) have been discovered to contain a chemical that, when metabolized by the human body, turns into GHB.

The toy is produced by Melbourne company Moose and won this year’s toy of the year award at the Melbourne Toy and Hobby Fair. Bindeez consists of colourful craft beads that are joined together to create designs. They are sprayed with water to fix them.
The company yesterday ordered a nationwide recall of the Chinese-made product, saying a chemical had been substituted without the company’s knowledge. The toy contains beads that have been found to contain a chemical that the body metabolises into gamma-hydroxy butyrate (GHB), also known as “grievous bodily harm”. It should instead contain a non-toxic glue.

So now children get to choose between cancerous poison or date rape for playtime fun! It’s almost like they have gotten used to not caring about quality over profit over there. But that cannot be true, can it? Of course, with the kind of thing that passes for fun for some teenagers in Melbourne, these toys may be right up their alley.

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Baby it’s just douche, I’m thinking of

Courtesy of FindLaw comes the following headline:

State high court upholds ruling on ownership of Elvis memorabilia, including nasal douche

Elvis Presley and a nasal douche in one story? Life just doesn’t get better than this people. It just doesn’t.

Happy Monday morning y’all!

Can we get the related Douchebag Law, while we’re at it?

Man, if only Congress had the balls to pass laws like this:

And as a bonus Friday video, while this has nothing to do with the law whatsoever, it’s just funny as shit:

God bless you, Robot Chicken.

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God Bless Fox’s Hypocrisy

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Stop Your Bitching, Granny

old%20lady%20hair%20web.jpgIn Worthington, PA yesterday, some lady got a jury summons, and now she wants to get out of it.


An Armstrong County woman is hoping to get out of a jury summons she received on her birthday. Her 102nd birthday.
Lois Reed of Worthington got the county jury summons on her birthday Monday. It was mixed in with some birthday cards and other mail she received.

Frankly, Lois, that’s just bullshit. You’ve got a civic duty — a moral obligation to perform jury duty. You think being 102 is an excuse? Ha! If anything, you should feel even more inclined to serve — you’ve been sucking the teat of America for a 102 goddamn years. It’s time to give back, lady. And your lousy excuses — bunions, arthritis, kidney failure — just don’t cut it in the US of fucking A. How many years have you been on Social Security, huh? Probably five decades or so, right? And you can’t get off your old, wrinkly duff, pick up your goddamn walker, and mosey on over to the courthouse for a few days? That’s just lazy. And shows a complete lack of respect for your country. And God. Because God invented the United States (and push-up pops) and the man let you survive on this Earth for this long so you could finally fulfill your obligation instead of sitting around your geriatric-smelling house thumbing through birthday cards and reminiscing about Prohibition.

This is why people think Americans are pampered. And this kind of behavior — wanton disregard for the rules — is what has inspired the whores in our middle schools to go around hugging people in public.


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The Daily Memo - 11/9/07

check.jpgThe Senate has moved into the debate phase of Michael Mukasey’s confirmation hearins, but we all know that they don’t have the stones to stop his confirmation, so can’t we just get on with it already? (Law.com)

check.jpgOh, but wait! Congress actually has at least a piece of testicular fortitude, as it overrode a Bush veto for the first time in Bush’s looooong reign. (The Raw Story)

check.jpgCompleting our Congressional trifecta, Yahoo executives have been accused of lying to Congress. (TechRepublic)

check.jpgCalifornia has sued the EPA over car emission standards. (Nota Bene)

check.jpg“Inside on TV-ad law firm.” (Overlawyered)

check.jpgA NJ judge has been reprimanded for various ethical violation, although the state Supreme Court is fine with him issuing DUI fines not authorized by state law. (Law.com)

Russell Simmons Presents: The Taking-the-Rap Tour

russell-simmons.jpgFrom FindLaw:

A promoter could have staged a rap concert with all the superstars at Manhattan Criminal Court on Wednesday, in for cases from assault to weapons possession.
In each case, the rappers - Busta Rhymes, Ja Rule, Lil Wayne and Remy Ma - were simply given a new court date.
Rhymes, 35, is accused of kicking a fan, punching a former employee, driving drunk and driving with a suspended license.
Ja Rule, born Jeffrey Atkins, was told to come back Dec. 5. The 31-year-old rapper was arrested on weapons charges last July after police stopped his 2004 Maybach - a car that sells for up to $400,000 (€271,700) - and found a loaded .40-caliber handgun.
Lil Wayne, 24, was ordered to reappear in court Feb. 25. The performer, whose real name is Dwayne Carter, was arrested for illegal gun possession after he performed at the same concert in Manhattan as Ja Rule.
Grammy-nominated Remy Ma, 26, whose real name is Remy Smith, is charged with assault and witness tampering. She is accused of shooting an acquaintance over money and then trying to intimidate her. She was told to return Dec. 5.
Remy Ma, who has recorded songs with Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne, said she knew all the other rappers who were in court and considered them friends.

Someone beat me to the punch!

55dcb99231_conan11082007.jpgIn news that will confound you for a few seconds, then becomes kind of obvious once you think about it, Conan O’Brien has a stalker. And the stalker is a Massachusetts Catholic priest.

In a series of startling and strange notes obtained by the Herald this morning, the Massachusetts Catholic priest who allegedly stalked Conan O’Brien also targets tennis great John McEnroe and compares himself to the Virginia Tech serial killer.
The Manhattan District Court documents show Rev. David Ajemian, 46, who worked at a Stoneham Catholic church recently and is being held without bail, sent at least three threatening letters to O’Brien. In them he demands a “public confession” and calls McEnroe his “childhood nemesis.”
“This is your priest stalker again, the one who has been tracking you through space and time,” Ajemian allegedly wrote to O’Brien in February, signing the missive “Padre 009,” according to court documents.

You don’t think it had anything to do with this, do you?

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Uhm … yikes

rocky-lips.jpgA 49-year-old man from a Seattle suburb was making out with a lady friend on Monday night when things took an unexpected turn:

A woman bit off her ex-boyfriend’s lower lip as they were kissing in bed, likely disfiguring him permanently, authorities said.

She apparently spit the lip out afterwards, and when deputies arrived on the scene, they found “the man’s lip on the bedroom floor, covered with cat hair.” The hospital wasn’t able to reattach the lip, so unless he can get a “pussy lips” transplant like I saw them do on “Nip/Tuck,” this poor bastard sounds SOL.

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I Got Duped!

I knew I shouldn’t have trusted a guy with two cans attached to a quarter by a string to give me my free breast exam. Damn you, old man!

Crave Online: Funny Videos, Sexy Videos, Music Videos, Movie Trailers, and More!

Bill O’Reilly Edges Out Big Bird as “Gayest” Ever

story_26592.jpgIn a poll conducted by Out Magazine, which I assume is a magazine geared toward outdoorsman, readers have been asked to vote in the Gaybies to determine who is the gayest man “ever.” The results are so unsurprising as to not really merit attention, but it’s a slow news day, and sometimes obvious stories are all I can dig up. Anyway — duh — readers voted Bill O’Reilly the gayest person ever. And you know that outdoorsman know better than anyone else who is gay or not.

Last I looked, O’Reilly was polling at around 44 percent, far ahead of both Zac Efron and Big Bird, whose relationship with Mr. Snuffleupagus has always seemed slightly suspect (I understand the Big Bird and Mr. S often attend key parties with Bert and Ernie).

But, damnit — the other day, when I suggested that it’d be nice if a normal Republican in a decent, loving relationship with another man came out of the closet, Bill. O. is not who I had in mind. That dude is pervier than Crispin Glover at a whorehouse dungeon. He is just about the last man alive I’d want to be left in a room alone with a falafel.

The Daily Memo - 11/8/07

check.jpg“Retarded state legislative committee hearing: California edition.” (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgNext week, the Georgia Governor will be sponsoring a prayer service to get some rain. (AJC)

check.jpgA Washington lawmaker has been punished for making nasty comments to a female staffer, and while he doesn’t remember what he said, he says that he’s “sure it was very inappropriate, because I do that kind of thing.” Nice. (KOMO-TV)

check.jpgA pretty neat Google Earth layer provides a geographical representation of where Congress is spending federal funds. (Lifehacker)

check.jpgThe Sixth Circuit has upheld the dismissal of the so-called “Roe v. Wade for men,” ruling that the lawsuit was frivolous. (CNN)

check.jpgA former DuPont scientist was given 18 months in the federal pen for stealing trade secrets. (FindLaw)

It’s Time to Put an End to this Evil

genthumb.ashx.jpgNBC has picked up on a story we covered a couple of days ago, about the horrible, awful, vile teenage girl who is spreading hugs around the schoolyard like leprosy. I can’t believe “The Today,” show, of all programs, is giving her a voice. If you want to see what the devil looks like, her name is Megan Coulter, and you can witness her in the video below. But, I warn you: Don’t stare at her image too long — Satan will implant subliminal messages in your mind and, before you know it, you too will be doing the devil’s work: Throwing around hugs like venereal diseases. Disgusting.

Teens get detention for hugging
Teens get detention for hugging

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I’m Chris Hanson, and you’re a complete moron

hanson.jpgAdult men showing up someplace to piddle kids is disturbing on many levels. It’s all the more disturbing when that man is a former children’s services lawyer. But at least this douchebag is now in jail thanks to the fact that he’s a complete fucking idiot:

A former children’s services lawyer was in jail Thursday, a day after authorities allege he went to the Ohio Statehouse to meet someone he thought was a 15-year-old girl he had met online.
Hamilton Township detective Lt. Jeff Braley had posed as the girl and arranged the meeting. Barry Mentser was arrested in the Statehouse basement minutes after Braley testified two floors above in favor of a bill that would increase penalties for sexual offenders who prey upon underage children through the Internet.

Are you fucking kidding me? The guy testifies in support of increased penalties for kiddy piddlers, and then goes to try to piddle a kid in the statehouse? What, was it too long a walk to Chuckee Cheese? …Scumbag.

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Austrailian for “What the hell are you thinking?”

austrailia.jpgI thought the United States had the market cornered on judges that shouldn’t be involved in rape cases. But it seems the good folks in Melbourne, Australia decided to top us once again.

Eight teenagers (ages 15 to 17) were convicted for charges in connection with a sexual assault against a 17-year-old female. The boys, along with a number of others, lured the girl to a train station. The girl, thinking she was only meeting two of the boys, was attacked by the group of 11 and taken to a nearby park, where she was forced into oral sex, had her hair set on fire, and was spat and peed upon, all while one of the boys was filming the entire thing. Later, the video was released in the surrounding community as a DVD titled “[C-word] the Movie”.

Outrageous? Yes! Unconscionable? Indeed! So what was the appropriate punishment for such a horrible crime? Probation, of course! Oh, and rehab.

At a Children’s Court on Monday, a judge told the boys they treated the victim in a cruel and callous manner and described their behaviour as cowardly and brutal.

“It was a sustained attack by a pack of young men upon a vulnerable young woman,” he said.

He ordered all the boys - aged between 15 and 17 at the time of offending - to participate in a rehabilitation program for male adolescents about positive sexuality.

All except one of the boys had convictions recorded against them. The judge placed six of the boys on youth supervision orders for between 12 and 18 months and two of the boys were placed on probation for 12 months.

He said that if it was not for their guilty pleas and willingness to participate in rehabilitation they would have been at “significant risk” of serving time in youth detention.

The judge, who says that putting the boys in the program wasn’t the “easy option,” spoke wonders about the program, saying that is was quite effective at showing sexual offenders the errors of their ways and insuring they do not repeat.

Unless this “rehabilitation program” involves reenactments of their crimes featuring them as the victims and large, musclebound fellas with names like “Tripod Jim” making them wish that a croc was snacking on their entrails, then I cannot really see how effective this could be. But, I could be confusing the American idea of “rehabilitation” with the Australian one. Ours is now a joke, but theirs? Anyone who lives in a country that is mostly desert without blinking an eye should not be taken lightly.

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Toke or treat

funyuns.jpegEver heard of the State University College at Geneseo? Well it’s one of the SUNY schools, and it must be very proud of one of its students:

Joshua Balduf, 22, a student at the State University College at Geneseo in Livingston County, was charged with second-degree criminal sale of marijuana, a felony, first-degree unlawfully dealing with a child and first-degree endangering the welfare of a child, both misdemeanors, said Geneseo Police Chief Eric Osganian. He is slated to appear in Geneseo Village Court tonight for a felony hearing, according to the Livingston County Sheriff’s Office.
Four teens dressed in costume allegedly knocked on the door of 72 Court St., Apt. 1, around 8 p.m. on Oct. 31 and asked for candy. Balduf allegedly told the teens that he did not have any and turned them away, Osganian said.
About an hour later, the teens allegedly returned to the apartment. Balduf allegedly invited them inside, gave them some marijuana and smoked it with the teens, Osganian said. The teens were between ages 15 and 17.

Balduf is lucky this didn’t backfire on him (well, beyond the whole pending criminal charges thing). I mean, you get these kids high, and they’re going to want even more candy. And if he truly didn’t have any candy for them, well who knows what state of affairs they would’ve left his kitchen in. Know what I’m saying?

I think I’ve got the munchies now. …I need to go buy me some Funyuns.

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Common Sense Lesson #157

uncle-sam.jpgAgain and again, our Common Sense Lessons seem to return to the issue of drunk driving. This time, I’m not going to focus on a Michigan man who was busted for a DUI on a Saturday evening (although he’s especially an asshat for having his 12-year-old son in the car with him). No, this lesson focuses on the man’s wife. When he was pulled over and busted for blowing a 0.11, he asked his son to call his mom to come pick the pair up. Fair enough.

Of course, and you surely see where this is going, the mother showed up with the couple’s 9-year-old daughter in the car and was also arrested for DUI after blowing a 0.13 of her own! By now, I realize that many folks lack the common sense to know not to drive drunk, and especially not to drive drunk with their kids in the car. But I was still just a smidge surprised that wifey-poo lacked the common sense to know that she maybe shouldn’t be drunk when she goes to pick up her drunk driving husband from the cops. Live and learn, I guess.

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Well … At Least He’s not Gay. Right?

capt.29498abd9e494c589f892e901fce1f1e.klaudt_rape_trial_pr101.jpgWith all the sexual scandals plaguing Republicans, the activities of a former South Dakota congressman are considerably more reprehensible than hookers (David Vitt), male prostitutes (Richard Curtis), bathroom blowjobs (Larry Craig), or even hitting on teenage pages (Mark Foley). Indeed, former two-term state representative Ted Klaudt was convicted today of raping his two former foster daughters.

With a speculum.

Here’s the deplorable rundown: The boombalatty there to your left basically conned his former foster daughters into letting him molest them by manufacturing a scheme in which he told the girls that he wanted to harvest their eggs, which would net them a hefty profit. For whatever reason, the girls — one of whom was also a page — believed him and allowed him, on several occasions (as many as 10 for one girl) to take them out to a Motel 6, where he conducted the “necessary examinations.” Said examinations involved touching their breasts and inserting a speculum in their vaginae to retrieve bodily fluids (and allegedly eggs), which he never sent off, anyway. When the girls cried out in pain, Representative Degenerate gave them a beer and told them to toughen up. Nice guy.

During the trial, Klaudt never denied the accusations. Instead (get this!), his lawyer argued that, because the girls were of the age of consent to donate eggs, the procedures were voluntary and consensual. “This was a despicable, terrible scheme he was perpetrating on these girls, but it was not forcible rape,” the lawyer said during his closing arguments.

The jury appropriately told Klaudt and his lawyer to go fuck themselves, convicting Klaudt on all four counts of rape. I understand that there are charges involving three other girls also pending.

If the Iraq war doesn’t kill the G.O.P., the sex scandals just may.

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Get! Down! Boogie-oogie-oogie!

205580.jpgA dentist in Syracuse, NY is getting sued because of a botched tooth extraction. Why did it go bad? The dentist was too busy jamming to the oldies.

A dentist at Syracuse Community Health Center, dancing to the song “Car Wash” while he was extracting a patient’s tooth, lost the inch-long drill bit, which punctured her sinus cavity and came to rest by her eye socket, according to her lawsuit.
Fanning spent three days at the hospital, with a steady drip of intravenous morphine.
Since the October 2004 surgery, Fanning has suffered facial swelling, nerve damage and has chronic infections because of the bacteria that seeped into her sinus cavity, she said.

Well, it could have been worse. The dentist could have been dancing to, say, “Popozao” or something. That would have been adding aural salt to the wound, so to say.

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The Daily Memo - 11/7/07

check.jpgThe Senate Judiciary Committee has voted in favor of Michael Mukasey as our next attorney general, meaning the vote will now go to the full Senate. (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe latest update in a terrible story from my murderific hometown: a suspect in the recent killing of a Philly cop during a Dunkin’ Donuts robbery has been apprehended in Miami. (CNN)

check.jpg“Early reflections on the Roberts Court and legislative history.” (Concurring Opinions)

check.jpgBeeceuticals LLC, a Florida cosmetics company, has sued the folks behind Bee Movie over the film’s marketing slogan “Give Bees a Chance.” (FindLaw)

check.jpgSellin’ porn in your porn store? That’s a paddlin’. (The News Leader)

check.jpgBooooo … the city of Duncanville is cracking down on private swinger parties held in folks’ private homes because the city doesn’t like all this adult consensual sex stuff. (CBS11)

check.jpgWell sure, why should a convicted rapist have to serve more than 2 months of his 20 year sentence? (Boston Herald)

check.jpgMIT has sued Frank Gehry over alleged flaws in a building he designed for the school with “unconventional walls and radical angles.” (FindLaw)

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“Pathetic and desperate manipulation…”

I’m behind on lots of TV viewing because of a cross-country move, so I’ve only just come across Keith Olbermann’s special comment from Monday night’s edition of “Countdown with Keith Olberbmann.” In it, Keith goes after Bush. Shocking, I know. His attack this time is on the issues of waterboarding and torture, and he praises former assistant attorney general Daniel Levin for showing personal courage which ultimately “made you into a liar, Mr. Bush.” He also condemns the Senate Judiciary Committee for its likely approval of Michael Mukasey (and Mukasey was indeed voted for yesterday, sending the vote to the full Senate).

Anyway, check out the video for yourself (or go here to read the transcript, if you’re one of those high-fallutin reading types).

Special Comment: On waterboarding and torture
Special Comment: On waterboarding and torture

Let This Be a Lesson to Huggers Everywhere

loadimage.cfm.jpgYesterday, I wrote about a devilish 13-year-old girl who got her just desserts for her wicked ways — that harlot hugged a classmate. On school property. In public. (I know! Try to contain your gasps.) Well, after reading about that account, we can already feel the repercussions of that degenerate action — goddamn kids these days think they can get away with anything.

I mean, look what happened in the very same state, a short 250 mile stretch of I-55 away: 25 rapscallions at an Illinois high school had the nerve — the fucking nerve — to protest the Iraq War. Again, on school grounds. In flagrante! How dare those heathens, those depraved villains protest a government war on government grounds, lest they forget who is funding their little school. That’s right — the US of fucking A is paying for these ingrates to learn about important things. Important things on standardized tests! And what do these pissant reprobates do? They protest. I’m so mad I could spit maggots. Wriggly, fire-breathing maggots.

Of course, the “outraged” parents are claiming it was a peaceful protests, but we all know that there was violence inside their putrid hearts. And naturally, they argue it was their First Amendment right. Well, here’s a history lesson, boys and girls: There’s a war going on. A war to keep foreigners offa our soil. Soil we grow potatoes in. Potatoes we feed to our soldiers. And while there’s a war, your precious First Amendment don’t mean squat. During war time, you little shits, the Second Amendment trumps the First — you try to act up and exercise your right to “peaceably assemble,” and I’ll use my right to peaceably pull out my shotgun and disperse your little hippy-ass assembly.

Good thing them kids got what was coming to ‘em: Ten days suspension. Should’ve been the full year. If kids don’t appreciate what they got, you gotta take it away from ‘em. And then you gotta shoot ‘em. Right ‘tween the eyes. That’s the way my Daddy taught me. And if it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for commies.

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Kids constitute the darndest things

constitution.jpgIn Pittsfield, Massachusetts, Susan Barnes had her fourth grade class work on a classroom constitution. The class went off on its own direction, offering motions for “rights” to be included in the new constitution. The first motion, for “the right to more books in our class,” is an admirable one that was passed unanimously. The class also unanimously passed a motion that they should have the right to vote on “earned rewards,” something Barnes offers over time as the class does good things. And of course, the next motion was that one of the things they should have the right to vote for is “extra recess time.”

While the kids also approved of a right to having more computers in the classroom, a motion to give the kids a right to “more math and more work” was defeated. One imagines the nerd who put that motion on the table will be beat up at the first extra recess awarded to the class.

Of course, the real lesson here will come when the class learns that their teacher is a staunch Bush supporter, meaning she can freely ignore the constitution and its alleged “rights” and waterboard the kids who misbehave. The fourth grade just got a lot more interesting!

It’s Time to Put a Stop to These Menaces of Society

genthumb.ashx.jpgOut in Illinois, a 13-year-old school girl, Megan Coulter, had the fucking audacity — the terroristic gumption — to approach one of her classmates, in broad daylight, and give her a warm hug.

This has got to stop, people. I don’t even understand a how a school would let it get that far in the first place — a hug! On school grounds. We are so fucked as a society. I mean, if girls are running around and hugging their classmates without the slightest compunction, what’s next? High-fives? Secret handshakes? No sir, we have to nip. this. in. the. bud. before moral decay sets in and rots and festers like a gangrenous wound.

Fortunately, Megan Coulter — harlot — was given detention for two days for her actions. Personally, I don’t think that’s enough. She has to be made an example. She should be taken out back, behind the school, and shot between the eyes in front of the rest of her classmates. Nothing less than public execution will right the ways of the morally wicked.

Gah. I’m trembling, just thinking about the promiscuity of that little girl. Sick. Degenerate. Filth.

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Picture of the Day for Tuesday the 6th of November


It’s been awhile since I paid any attention to the sport of tennis, so I hadn’t even realized that Anna Kournikova had retired and made way to another ungodly attractive, blond Russian tennis star, Maria Sherapova (I understand that Sherapova, unlike Kournikova, is actually a decent tennis player to boot).

Anyway, I bring this up because of Marie Sherapova’s crotch, depicted in the above photo. It’s caused quite a stir. It seems she was taking a break from shooting a Canon commercial when the CEO of a giant Japanese advertising agency surreptitiously took the above photo, spread it around to his subordinates, and had a grand old time with it. (I’m not sure what the big deal is — there are better quality / higher-skin quotient images of Sherapova all over the Internet). Anyway, an employee of the advertising agency, Steve Biegel, complained about the CEO’s amateur photography and school-boy tittery, and apparently he was fired for it. Biegel is now suing; a spokesperson from the advertising agency says the claims are “outrageous” (man, doesn’t the defense of “outrageous” almost always suggest wrongdoing) and that the agency is considering counterclaims for libel and fraud.

So, no: It’s not that fascinating a case, but here’s my question: Who sits like that? Clearly, there are people with cameras in the area (she was shooting a commercial, after all), so what might possess a tennis star in an extremely short skirt to hike up her legs to enjoy a can on of Pringles like that?

It’s a good thing it’s not a dude sitting in that position — can you even fathom the amount of exposed brain? *Shudder*

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The Daily Memo - 11/6/07

check.jpgCongrats - you may not have lost weight, but now at least you’ve lost a lawsuit! (43(B)log)

check.jpgHell, I definitely consider anything relating to the Barenaked Ladies to constitute workplace harassment. (Above the Law)

check.jpgHow many “suck my dicks” does it take to get to the center? (Legal Antics)

check.jpgA group known as Public Knowledge is calling for copyright reform of a variety of things, such as fair use, secondary liability limitation, and frivolous takedown requests. (Yahoo! News)

check.jpgThe Pennsylvania Supreme Court says the time bar in legal malpractice cases is strict, so sue your lawyers sooner rather than later. (Law.com)

check.jpgWhen states attack! (WSBTV)

check.jpg“A federal agency has banned flag-folding recitations at U.S. veterans cemeteries” because the recitation, which explains the significance of the 13 folds of the flag, contains a religious reference. (UPI)

check.jpgNew Jersey voters will soon get to decide whether the state Constitution should keep referring to disabled folks as “insane” and “idiots.” Too … many … possible … jokes. (Newsday)

So does this make God an enabler?

54894OTws_w.jpgIn what has to be some supreme being (not naming names) playing one heck of a joke on mortals, Ireland’s Road Safety Authority is trying to get the blood-alcohol threshold lowered from 0.08 to 0.05. But that isn’t even the best part:

The job description for a Catholic priest doesn’t include a lot of perks — perhaps one reason that their numbers are shrinking rapidly across the Western world. In Ireland, though, the gig might be further complicated by a new proposal to lower the legal blood alcohol limit for drivers. Priests there are speaking out against the proposal because it could render them legally drunk after performing Mass.

That’s right. A country notorious for having some of the most hardy drinkers in the world is about to lower their BA threshold, and the main complainants are priests who will end up legally tipsy after performing their duties. And when taking into account that fewer priests means more of them will have to perform multiple sacraments and often have to drive increasingly long distances to do so, you can see why they are so apprehensive about the change.

Jesus juice. It’ll get ya drunk! You’ll be blessin’ fat girls in no time! You might even fight a sinner or two! Mmm-mmm, bitch!

Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

wayne-brady.jpgLast month, a Maryland judge issued an acquittal of a man charged with domestic violence and, understandably, some folks are a bit tweaked. Judge Paul Harris acquitted a man charged with second-degree assault for allegedly slapping his girlfriends across the face three times, because the girlfriend wouldn’t come to court to testify. Judge Harris said that he needed her testimony to know that there was a lack of consent. He said that to rule otherwise would be “[t]he state … stepping into the shoes of the victim when she obviously doesn’t care” and that this was “that big brother mentality of the state.” And the kicker quote from Judge Harris: “You have very rare cases; sadomasochists sometimes like to get beat up.”

Fine point, Judge Harris - sadomasochists do enjoy a bit of the rough stuff. But the documents charging the man with assault allege that a cop saw him approach his girlfriend’s car at a gas station, and that he reached into the driver’s-side door and laid down three bitch slaps. Does that really sound like some S&M shit to you? Really?

The reason folks are pissed about this is because the notion that a domestic assault case can’t proceed without the victim is a dangerous slippery slope. While victims are often encouraged to testify, the impact of domestic violence often leaves them in such a bad mental state that: (a) they are truly fearful of testifying with their abuser staring them down; or (b) they’ve become so deluded that they are embarrassed because they think it’s all their fault. So if Judge Harris’ position were to become more popular, you’d basically be encouraging guys to beat their women up more and harder, to the point that they’re totally cowed and afraid to go to court. Then the guys get off, and can keep beating their women. Is that really what you want, Judge Harris? Maybe someone needs to bitchslap you? (*note - QuizLaw no way endorses or encourages the bitchslapping of a judge, although telling a judge to “suck my dick” is pretty damn funny.)

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Fact: Most Men at One Time or Another Have Made Love to Another Dude

bathroom.jpgA huge hat tip to Wonkette for this find, but I just couldn’t let something this fantastic go unnoticed on an obscure, two-bit, dog-and-pony blog like theirs, not when QuizLaw can bring this nugget to the masses. In an article in The Columbian about Richard Curtis, the Republican legislator who paid a male prostitute to fuck him while Curtis wore women’s clothes, a woman named Reese Mackenzy left what must be the greatest comment ever written. Check it:

I’m so sick of the Demrat hypocrites hyping up this story. For God’s sake all Rep. Richard Curtis did is receive anal sex from another man. I live in his distict and we support his fight against the homosexual agenda. Most men at one time or another have made love to another dude (whether receptive anal as in Curtis’ case or offering another buddy oral as in Rep. bob Allen’s case). Big whoop. Both these men have a respectable history of protecting the sanctity of marriage and the assault on our culture by the Demrat homosexual agenda.
There is a big difference between men who have sex with other men for pleasure and still support the sanctity of family values and amoral Demrats who parade around like Barney Frank. Even Larry Craig has raised up wholesome kids and loves his wife, so who cares if he goes down on a guy in a toilet stall. It is about biblical values and raising non-pervert kids (like the Cheney’s) and the GOP is still #1 as far as integrity and values. You Demrats are so degenerate and gay that you have to slime people like Curtis with your alternative lifestyle choice.

That’s right, y’all. Who cares if a married guy goes down on another guy in a toilet stall? As long as you protect the sanctity of marriage, you’re all right in my book, too!

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West Allis, Wisconsin Has No Sense of Fun

tractor.JPGTheresa Crivello and Jim House love Halloween. Every year, they set up a fancy display (fancy by Wisconsin standards, anyway) outside of their house with hay, big pumpkins, and a big red tractor. The tractor was built by Allis Chalmers, a local company, and the one on display outside of Crivello and House’s home has been passed down by their families for generations and is apparently a popular thing around town. In fact:

“We’ve had people come from around the country to take pictures with it. That amazed us.”

But it’s not so popular with the city of West Allis. Even though the couple has displayed the tractor for years, they’ve now been hit with a letter telling them that it violates a local ordinance forbidding vehicles from being parked on the front lawn. So they have to remove from its current display, or likely face fines. Mayor Jeanette Bell says it’s a clear cut issue:

“Our ordinance is very clear about not parking vehicles on front lawns,” she said. “Our inspector doesn’t have the option of not enforcing that ordinance. In other words, he doesn’t have the option of looking the other way if the ordinance is being violated.”

However, the Mayor said that the Head of the Department of Building Inspections and Zoning has the discretion to give them a waiver on this, and Crivello is working on a letter asking for such a waiver.

But to play it safe, if you simply must have a photo of the shiny red tractor for yourself, I suggest you get yourself out to West Allis ASAP. Cause if they have to remove the tractor and you don’t get your photo, you just know you’ll be kicking yourself!

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The Daily Memo - 11/5/07

check.jpgTravis Henry will have his drug/suspension appeal heard on November 16, and since I own his backup (Selvin Young) in my fantasy league, here’s hoping for a quick ruling that he’s to be immediately suspended. (ESPN)

check.jpgSCOTUSblog’s got a preview of the Supremes’ Second Amendment case. (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgHoward Bashman teaches the Second Circuit that secret information shouldn’t be posted on the internet. (Law.com)

check.jpgMmmmmm … candy. (43(B)log)

check.jpgSo wait, lawyers shouldn’t forge a judges name? (Overlawyered)

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The Worst Come on … Ever.

anderson-insidesmall-110107.jpgA dentist out in California is getting strung up on something like 4,000 charges of sexual misconduct, stemming from inappropriate contact he had with at least 20 female patients, ranging in age from 23 to 61. Mark Anderson, who is married and has seven children, is facing a suspension of his license.

Apparently, Anderson was out of line in asking women about their skin and breasts and making comments about boob jobs, feeling up a 28-year-old at one point and saying, “They did a good job. You can’t even feel the bags.”

But here’s the highlight of the complaint:

At least 11 women told authorities that Anderson, 48, assured them the massages were part of their clinical treatment for abnormalities in the temporomandibular joint in the jaw.
“Respondent explained to E.G. that the muscles in the jaw are connected to the neck, and the neck is connected to the shoulders and chest,” the document claims, referring to a 23-year-old patient who visited Anderson in 2002 or 2003. “Then, Respondent massaged the contour of E.G.’s breasts for about a minute.”

Wow! This dentist managed to convince 11 women that copping a feel was part of their dental exams? But, look at the guy. If I were a woman, I’d never walk into that man’s office — there’s just something about that creepy-pedo smile that says, “I am going to molest you during your root canal.”

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Ah, Come On! What’s the Big Deal?

capt.a5.jpgOut in Virginia, a judge has been removed from his post for showing a little character on the bench. I don’t see what the big deal is, personally. In a child custody dispute, when asked to decide who would get custody on Christmas — either the mother or the father — Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court Judge James Michael Shull decided to flip a coin. Big deal — is that so egregious? Not that that was his only offense, mind you.

The pants-dropping incidents, the court said, “were even more egregious.”
The court said they occurred when a woman was seeking a protective order against a partner who she said had stabbed her in the leg. Shull knew the woman had a history of mental problems and insisted on seeing the wound, the court said.
The woman dropped her pants once to display the wound, then dropped them a second time after Shull left the bench for a closer look to determine whether the woman had received stitches.
A court bailiff testified before the commission that after the hearing, he asked Shull, “Did you see what that lady had on?” According to the bailiff, Shull replied: “Yeah, a black lacy thing … it looked good, didn’t it?”

Boo! Hiss! The man just wanted an eyeful of nethertrim. And he asked a second time so he could get a close-up. Can you blame the guy? She was mentally ill — he was simply abusing his state-given powers to take advantage of of an unwell woman. I mean, really — that’s what it’s for, right? If you can’t exploit your powers for a glance at skin, then there’s no point in becoming a judge at all, then. Well, I hope for Shull’s case that Hooter’s still allows him to judge this year’s buffalo-sauce t-shirt contest.

Get the Fuck Out of My Office!

20051002011500_pigeon.jpgA New York City councilman, James Odd, has found quite the novel solution for controlling the pigeon problem in New York City. He wants to give them birth control pills.

Councilman James Odd says OvoControl-P, a drug that renders pigeon eggs unhatchable, could help to thin out the pesky birds and thus the droppings they leave behind inside the terminals where they like to nest.
Oddo says the drug — which would be mixed into standard seed — has not yet been approved for pigeons by the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation. A similar product meant for geese was given the OK last month.

That’s genius, Mr. Odd. You think we could crush up some of those pills and slip them into starletard blow?

And speaking of Councilman Odd, I don’ know how I missed this, but the video below has to be the best public meltdown of a politician to never get national play. It’s brilliant.

(H/T Wonkette)

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No Wonder He’s So Mesmerized by Plinko

The new “Price is Right” host, Drew Carey, is not just an advocate for medical marijuana, he’s a buyer!

Good for Drew.

(Video After the Jump)

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The Daily Memo - 11/2/07

check.jpgWell of course I’m gonna link to a blawg that makes reference to Batman, especially Frank Miller’s “The Dark Knight Returns.” (43(B)log)

check.jpgThe son of my Eagles coach Andy Reid has been hit with a sentence of up to 23 months in the clink and the judge called Reid’s house “a drug emporium.” (SI)

check.jpgComcast is a bit pissed off at the FCC over its apartment ruling. (Gizmodo)

check.jpgMeanwhile, consumers have asked the FCC to fine Comcast over its bittorrent blocking. (Lawinfo)

check.jpgSounds like a perfectly good defense to me. (Legal Antics)

check.jpgJ.K. Rowling has filed a lawsuit against a publisher planning to release a book version of the Harry Potter Lexicon website. (FindLaw)

check.jpgA NY lawyer has been sued defamation by a client he was defending for embezzlement. (Law.com)

Just reading about this makes me a little quesy

cheese.jpgThe California Department of Food and Agriculture has seized 375 pounds of illegal cheese from a Southern California couple. They were selling the illegal cheese (which apparently includes varieties of panela, queso fresco and queso oxaca) at a farmers market in the Sacramento area. The so-called “bathtub” cheeses are illegal because they can cause “serious illness such as listeria, salmonella or E. coli.”

My favorite part of the story is that while the couple has been charged with the sale of illegal cheese, one of them was also hit with felony “cheese making” charges.

Is there any way we can get the Feds to bring up similar charges against Sandra Bullock?

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South Carolina Blows

12271555-12271558-slarge.jpgFrom Reuters:

It may be the shortest U.S. 2008 presidential campaign yet — comedian Stephen Colbert’s requests to be on the South Carolina Democratic and Republican primary ballots were rejected on Thursday.
Colbert, who has admitted he does not want to be president but just wanted to run for it in his native state of South Carolina, had filed for the Democratic ticket earlier on Thursday and paid the $2,500 filing fee.
Hours later, the party’s executive council voted 13-3 against allowing him on the ballot for the January 26 primary contest, party spokeswoman Keiana Page told Reuters. The eight other major Democratic candidates were accepted, she said.

Gutless cowards. A bunch of fucking buzz kills. South Carolina, you’re on notice. Gamecocks? Psh. More like … oh, nevermind.

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I Don’t Care Who You Are, You Oughtn’t Be Having ‘Thoughts’ About Your Daughter

0_61_jeffs_warren_112006.jpgOK, will someone please explain this to me?

Wait. First, some context: Warren Jeffs, a leader of a polygamous sect in Utah, was convicted of “rape as an accomplice” for arranging the marriage of cousins, aged 14 and 19. He goes to prison, decides to fast, loses 30 pounds, and then gets all kinds of wacky, renouncing his position as head of the sect, saying that God had spoken to him and “revealed him as a wicked man.” And then, in statement obtained from recently unsealed documents, Jeffs told his family that he’d been “immoral with his sister and daughter.”

Wait — what?! “‘Immoral’ with his sister and daughter?” What’s that supposed to mean? Well, maybe this will shed some light on the subject:

As for Jeffs’ “immoral” conduct, “I wouldn’t read too much into it,” [Ken] Driggs [a Georgia lawyer and polygamy expert] said.
“What that community may regard as immoral conduct is not necessarily what the outside world would consider immoral conduct. He could be talking about thoughts, or some affectionate or physical conduct,” Driggs said.

Now wait a second, buddy. First of all, these Mormon fundamentalist don’t believe that shacking up with multiple women is immoral, so I’m not sure where you get off saying that the “outside world” is the sexually loose party in this matter. And second: Why do you not believe that “thoughts, or some affectionate or physical conduct” with your sister and daughter constitutes immoral? Why is it that we shouldn’t’ read too much into it? I mean, I hate to be the touchy, narrow-minded guy, but maybe something as benign as thinking about your daughter in a sexual way might be considered immoral, even in the heathenistic outside world.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m the crazy one for not having “thought” about my sister, or engaged in “affectionate of physical conduct” with my daughter. Apparently, that’s not OK with the this religious sect, but it’s A-OK for the the world I’m living in. Right? That’s what you’re saying?

Whatever — it’s probably a moot point anyway; chances are, he diddled them both, which I assume we all think is immoral. Right?

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That’s handi-capable, motherf—-er!

S_wheelchair.jpgAnother entry for the “Don’t mess with Texas” logs:

Dallas police said a disabled man shot and killed a person who broke into his apartment early Friday morning.
Police said the man was able to get out of his wheelchair, struggle with the invader, take his gun away and shoot him.
The events at the Village Oaks Apartments in the 3500 block of East Overton Road were reported to police at 2:49 a.m.
The intruder was taken to Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas where he died.
The disabled man was not immediately identified by police, but he appeared to be in his mid-50s.

Wow. I guess after Jesus went all Old Testament on some folks, everyone is becoming more kick-ass these days. I mean, he took the guy’s gun and shot him with it. While in a wheelchair. That is awesome, no matter which way you turn it.

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The Daily Memo - 11/1/07

check.jpgBillionaire Warren Buffet is continuing to complain about the fact that his taxes are too low. (The Raw Story)

check.jpgThe DC pants lawsuit tool has officially lost his administrative law judge seat (so he won’t be needing those pants anymore, anyways!). (Above the Law)

check.jpgThe Philadelphia Bar Association has issued a statement coming out against the terrible rape ruling from a Philly judge earlier this month. (Law.com)

check.jpg“What does the Supreme Court really do?” (SCOTUSblog)

check.jpgThe U.K. may join the 18th Century by getting a national constitution, complete with a bill of rights. (Supreme Dicta)

check.jpgHow would you try to get $10 million from a supermarket? (GeekLawyer)

check.jpgWho might make good cabinet and staff members for President Colbert? (That Forum Place)

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“What, that’s not a perk of the job?”

parking-tickets.jpgDawn Michelle Nyberg used to be a clerk with a county Traffic Violations Bureau in Minnesota. As part of her job, Nyberg dealt with parking violations handed out to folks. Trouble is, she also dealt with parking violations she had been hit with. In fact, between 2005 and 2007 she had received 70-plus parking citations, using her job to “fix” them all. Sometimes she changed info in the computer databases so the citations couldn’t be tracked to her and other times she just vanished the citations from the computer system completely.

Nyberg resigned in June and is now facing quite a few charges, including theft, forgery and misconduct.

Seventy parking tickets in two years! I mean, what the hell?

Suck It, Fred Phelps. Suck It Long. And Suck It Hard.

fred_phelps.jpgThis may be the best legal news I’ve seen in months — maybe years. Maybe since motherfucking Roe v. Wade, which I wasn’t old enough to appreciate. This, however, I appreciate immensely. I’m writing this with a cavernous, tooth-to-tooth grin.

A jury has just awarded an $11 million judgment to a man who sued motherfucking Fred Phelps and the motherfucking Westboro Baptist Church for picketing his son’s funeral. You know their shtick: They stand outside military funerals with picket signs that say, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers,” and “God Hates Fags,” because they’re under the crazy-ass delusion that the Iraq war is America’s punishment for tolerating homosexuality. Well, this is your punishment, Fred Phelps, for being a blight on humanity, a scum-sucking, shit-eating cum stain on American society. You hateful little bitch.

The best part: The church can’t even afford $11 million, which may just mean it’ll have to shutter its doors. Good riddance, fuckstick. I hope you choke on a turd and die. If there’s anyone — anyone — that God actually hates, its you and your pissant little family. God bless the jury system — they screw a lot of things up, but I’m proud as hell of them today.

Damn, I hope someone finds it in their heart to stick a red-hot pocker up Phelps’ ass until he can feel it tickle his uvula. And then I hope they jam it through the roof of his mouth and puncture his goddamn skull. I don’t believe in the death penalty, but I believe in the long, agonizing torture and death of Fred Phelps. Amen and pass the ammunition.

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Viva La Vito!

capt.4efaea7439784a78a819be46fe3f163a.people_margera_ny203.jpg From Yahoo News:

The man known as “Don Vito” on MTV’s show “Viva La Bam” was convicted Wednesday of two counts of sexual assault on a child. Vincent Margera, 51, who was accused of groping three girls ages 12 to 14 during an autograph signing event last year at mall skate park in the Denver suburb of Lakewood, fell to the floor cursing and yelled, “Just kill me now.”
After Margera’s courtroom outburst, deputies restrained him and took him to jail, where he was being held without bail until his sentencing hearing, set for Dec. 20.