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The Daily Jerk

0725071lee1.jpgI mean, what the hell else are you going to do in prison besides read the Bible and masturbate (not at the same time, mind you — that’s blasphemy)? It’s jail, man. Eat. Sleep. Crap. Masturbate. But noooooo. First they take away cigarettes, and now prisons are taking away masturbating.

At least that’s the way it seems out in Florida, where a 20-year-old man, Terry Lee Alexander was convicted of indecent exposure and sentenced to 60 days in prison after a female guard spotted him pleasuring himself.

The fun part of the case, though, is that during voir dire, the prospective jurors were apparently questioned about their own masturbation habits. All admitted that they had masturbated at one time. Then, during the trial, Alexander’s lawyer asked the female guard:

“Did other inmates start masturbating because of Mr. Alexander? Did you call a SWAT team?”

“I wish I had,” the deputy replied.

Ha! Of course, the guard has nothing against spit-shining the old water pump. She simply “objected to Alexander performing it so blatantly. She told the court that most inmates masturbated in bed, under the blankets.”

Of course, Alexander is in prison for auto theft and gun charges. So, we know that the resources of the court system haven’t been completely wasted, though this trial was ridiculously unnecessary, especially since Alexander’s 60-day sentence will be served concurrently. But that’s the efficient miracle of the jury system.