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Ah-one, ah ta-who, ah-threeghjtumgpu
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? We may never truly know.
How many chews does it take to get temporal mandibular joint dysfunction? Exactly three. Romero, Mich. resident Victoria McArthur is suing the parent company of Starburst, Mars Inc. Why you ask? Well, it seems that Starburst Fruit Chews are … Wait, are you ready for this? Maybe you should sit down. Comfy? Good. She’s suing because they’re too CHEWY. Oh! Are you OK? You took a bad spill there. Didn’t see that one comin’, did ya’?
McArthur claims to be having difficulty chewing, sleeping, and talking and is suing for the usual $25,000 for “permanent personal injuries” she suffered after her run-in with the conniving confection.
McArthur is said to be contemplating suing Evian water after she used the brand of bottled water to loosen the sticky substance, citing excessive moisture and lack of drymouth due to her parched thirst.
In related news, peanut butter is filing for divorce from chocolate citing “irreconcilable differences.” Custody hearings over Reeces and Pieces to begin soon.
Comments
This is the bullshit that is putting our country down the shitter.
Dum dum dum!
Posted by nexus 6 | June 28, 2007 1:20 PM
If peanut butter and Reeses divorce, I swear to God I'm going on a shooting spree. I love those fucking things.
That said - I'd like to smack Victoria McArthur right in her dysfunctional mandible for being such a money-grubbing moron.
Posted by TK | June 28, 2007 4:12 PM
I went to law school to become a lawyer to truly help people. That went down the toilet in a class when I was assigned to defend some jerkwad that got high on NyQuil, fell asleep behind the wheel of a school bus and ran into a building and then was pissed that he was fired. I actually won, but if it was a real case I never would have taken it. Why you may ask - it's because people have taken this litigation thing way too fucking far.
People sue about EVERYTHING. People that have legitimate cases have to wait years to get their cases heard because the court system is too busy dicking around with cases like "The Starburst was too chewy", "The chocolate covered pretzels were too chocolately", "I was shopping in your store and stubbed my toe on the shopping cart that I can't figure out how to use". The list goes on and on. That is what makes me hate lawyers.
When people find out I'm a lawyer, I either hear one of the billion lawyer jokes or about how lawyers all suck. And they get no argument from me. Don't get me wrong - there are commendable attorneys out there - I know it and they know it (I mean, come on - at the first sign of trouble, who is the first person you call after your friend that will help you move the body? Your lawyer.) - but you have to admit that they are seriously overshadowed by the morons like the one that thought the Starburst case was a great idea.
I thank God that I could get a job where I can use my legal education but don't actually have to practice law. Thanks for providing me the soapbox to stand on. I feel much better now.
Posted by Trained Shyster | June 28, 2007 5:45 PM
What's wrong with me? Why can't I have the balls to pull something like this and THEN look myself in the mirror the next day?
Posted by Meander | June 28, 2007 5:53 PM
To be fair to Ms. McArthur, Starbursts are too chewy. She's probably semi-retarded and/or a crackwhore who doesn't much need her jaw in her line of work, but I can't disagree with her there. And if she demanded in her settlement a promise from the Starburst manufacturers that they would bring back the hard candies, I might have to go to Michigan and work up some sort of class-actions suit because I'm pretty sure I was scarred for life when they took them off the shelves.
Posted by Geetch | June 28, 2007 9:29 PM
And I always thought chocolate and peanut butter would last, they seemed so happy together.
Posted by three elle | June 29, 2007 7:58 PM